Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice.
We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad that you're here today for another episode of your odyssey. Unhinged. Karen is melting, which is odd because I don't feel like you normally melt.
[00:01:07] Speaker C: I'm just so excited and pumped that I'm just, like, so excited to be
[00:01:12] Speaker B: here and to spend time with our listeners. Today we get to do this.
[00:01:17] Speaker C: We get to hang out with the explorers and the people who are on the journey. I love them so much.
[00:01:23] Speaker B: And I'm thinking this has been, what, maybe.
Maybe a couple of weeks since we launched at the table.
[00:01:30] Speaker C: Yeah, a couple weeks.
[00:01:32] Speaker B: We have some really juicy and amazing things that were born out of that. Like Karen and I do.
It comes with the one. Yes. And we execute on the one. Yes. And then it explodes into a kaleidoscope of so many other things.
[00:01:45] Speaker C: Yeah. It's like one stem coming up, right? And then all of a sudden, bloop. There's like 84 zinnias. And. And you're like, what on earth just happened? It was one piece of green, and then boom.
[00:01:55] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:01:55] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:01:56] Speaker B: It's been a few weeks, and we had such a blast doing that. But I keep coming back to one of the core questions from that, and maybe that's what we can talk about for a little while today.
Sometimes when we are communicating with those people around us, the first thing that we say isn't always what we actually want to say. Sometimes our irritation or our defensiveness or withdrawals services. That's not actually the thing that we want to say. Sometimes there's a feeling or a story or a fear or a need that we are not addressing that shows up. So let's explore the reaction, the clarity, and then how we can get to connection. Because I know we have a lot to say about speaking from those places.
[00:02:41] Speaker C: I think you really hit on something with the need. Because that's the part, right? That's the part that is vulnerable and a little bit scared. Because if I have a need and I express it and it doesn't get met like, that feels dangerous. That feels scary. So I think that sometimes when all of the feelings are coming through, the first thing out of our mouth is a little bit of a, let me attack you so that you don't attack me. Because right now I need something and I'm feeling vulnerable. So you just come out with the side and you're in the Amazon jungle. You're just cutting down stuff. You're just cutting and cutting, and then you're like, oh, actually, what I would like to say is, yes, it's like,
[00:03:22] Speaker B: I don't know how many times, especially, like, early on in my marriage where we'll be like, in the middle of an argument, and then I like, something clicks and I'm like, the thing that we are arguing about isn't actually the thing that we're actually arguing about.
[00:03:34] Speaker C: Like, that's a beautiful moment, right?
[00:03:37] Speaker B: It's like, wait a minute. What are we talking about?
What.
What is even happening? And what helped me with that was switch. You hear it all the time, moving from the you statements to the I statements.
And it's, you don't listen with or you're not listening. And what is really underneath that is I want to know that what I'm saying and what I'm feeling actually matters to you. And there is a disconnect. And it's not even about the other person not listening. They are listening. Otherwise, how they gonna respond back to you if they're not listening? How does that even make sense? Or, oh, my gosh, as a mom with all of the invisible labor, emotional load, the managing all of the things, it's, why don't you help me versus, hey, I'm a little overwhelmed right now, and I don't want to carry this alone. Is way better than you don't never help. Why don't you do this? Why don't you do this? What do I need? And what am I actually saying when
[00:04:33] Speaker C: we speak out defensively or in an accusing way, like, you never. How come you don't. It's like we're expecting everyone around us to be mind readers. How about we just say the thing that we need? How I would love some help putting the dishes away so that xyz, whatever it is, and that I can stay a balanced human being who can be a good mother, spouse, balance, whatever for you.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Like, I just want to be balanced.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: I just want to be balanced. And this is what I need.
[00:05:02] Speaker B: This is what I need. But there's also one of my favorite deflections.
One of my favorite deflections Is. Was probably will continue to be is. When I say I'm fine.
Oh, like, like, like I'm fine. But the narrator is coming out and it's like, she absolutely is not fine. She's not.
[00:05:27] Speaker C: You're like, I'm fine. Narrator stage left.
She is not fine.
That's good. I'm fine.
Two falser words never spoke, right?
[00:05:40] Speaker B: Like, when you hear I'm fine, you,
[00:05:42] Speaker C: you know shit is not fine.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: I already know. It is absolutely the opposite of fine. Whatever the opposite of it. That's what it actually is. Because I'm fine is not it. And I find now that the truer thing, like saying the truer things, saying the most authentic thing, helps me move through the absolute, not fineness of the situation.
[00:06:01] Speaker C: Like, name it, right?
[00:06:03] Speaker B: But it's very hard when you have historically named things and then it just falls. It just bloop. You're like, did you see the thing that I put down?
[00:06:11] Speaker C: Like, it lights a match on an explosion that you did not even know was there. Right? I was just trying to say how I feel, and that happens.
[00:06:23] Speaker B: And because when you notice there is something that happens in my body when I use the default I'm fine that I have become keenly aware of, and it's like I feel the constriction happening.
[00:06:34] Speaker C: It's a constriction. Oh, my God. I was just going to say that. It's like, like I feel.
[00:06:38] Speaker B: It was like my throat closed up. My stomach, like, gets tight. All of the things. My shoulders, I can feel it happening. It's like. Hold on, wait a minute, pause. I'm not actually fine. This is actually what I'm doing. And I kid you not, like, y', all, I really feel it in my body. So I'm wondering, like, if our explorers has that experience. Like, when you are denying yourself, when you are speaking from defensiveness or the unmet need, what do you notice happening in your body?
[00:07:03] Speaker C: Yeah, There is so much brilliance. There's so much divinity in that moment. That glimpse of, oh, the whole center of my torso just caved in, like a black hole caving in on itself.
Just that feeling of like, you know, that's not true or that's not right. Can you then stay with it and get to the feeling, the truth, the words behind that, and say them to that person or even just say them to yourself out loud in the other room if you're not ready to say it to the person. Right. Can you stay with that feeling? I have been working with this myself too. The body is so Intelligent. We talk about it all the time. The body is so intelligent. Our feelings, our emotions, especially when we say certain words, are indicators of where we are relative to our authentic, congruent self. Right. So if we're feeling crappy, we're like, something is not right. We want to feel good. Right. We want to feel good. We want to feel grounded. We want to feel love. We want to feel expansive. We want to feel joy, we want to feel bliss. We want to feel just safety and nourishment. We want to feel all the things that feel good. So when we don't feel good, that is your first clue.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: I love that you said our feelings. That tells us something. I also feel like our reactions also contain information. Have a process.
[00:08:30] Speaker C: Are you going to share your process?
[00:08:31] Speaker B: I have a process, like, to get beneath the surface of the reaction or the feeling or whatever to just go a little bit deeper. And it's. It's four. Four. Three or four. I don't know. Do what you do. So it's looking, it's noticing what happened.
And then what is the story that you are telling yourself about what happened?
What did I feel?
And then what do I need? So for. It's four.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:00] Speaker B: So it may look like this person canceled our plans.
Okay, so a story that you could tell yourself, it's an event, it's an experience.
[00:09:12] Speaker C: It happens. That's the thing that happened.
[00:09:15] Speaker B: And the story that you could tell yourself is, I'm not that important to them.
That's a story based on the cancellation of plans. And then you're like, okay, so what do I feel when these plans were canceled and I'm telling myself the story that I'm not that important to them. I feel hurt and I'm disappointed.
Okay, let's. Let's keep going. Well, what is it that you actually need? I need reassurance. I need consideration. I need clarity.
[00:09:41] Speaker C: Yeah, I love that process that reflects Byron, Katie's book where she talks about the four questions. And I think that kind of initially it's going to feel like forensics. Right. Like, initially, it's going to feel like tweezers trying to pull something out of something really big.
Yes. Initially it's going to be a little bit. Maybe work. Right. A little bit. Like, stick with it. As you were saying, you were on the second question, you're like, stay with it.
[00:10:08] Speaker B: Because we go deeper.
[00:10:11] Speaker C: We do. We're like, and I'm out.
[00:10:13] Speaker B: Tell ourselves a story about it. And then we just run with the story. We just keep going. It's like all right, this thing happened. They said this, and now this is the story that I've made up about them, right?
Wait a minute. There's another layer. Like, what are you feeling? Oh, I feel. And then what do I need? We stop halfway through. If you take a cake out when it's halfway bacon, ain't nobody going to enjoy it.
[00:10:34] Speaker C: And salmonella on top of it.
[00:10:36] Speaker B: We. I don't want to talk salmon. I can't even. I don't want to talk about salmonella because I feel like they don't want us to eat anything. We now have to have large plots of land to even eat a dag on jalapeno or a frozen blueberry because it's salmonella everywhere.
[00:10:51] Speaker C: I don't listen to the news, so I don't know, but any listen to
[00:10:54] Speaker B: the news, but everything is recalled, okay?
Literally every. Don't eat anything, everything call. But we so often stop at what happened in the story.
[00:11:03] Speaker C: You know what's so funny about that? Those first two steps are externalized, right? Those are out there.
The next two steps are what's happening in here. And sometimes we don't want to look in there because there might be spider webs in there, but that is so beautiful. Moving from question two to question three is just so important.
Stay with it. Stay with yourself. You're worth it, right, explorers, you are worth it. Stick with it. See what's underneath it. Look under the rock, See what's there. I promise you it is not going to kill you. I promise you. It is smaller than you think it is, but notice it or it will get real big.
[00:11:48] Speaker B: Ooh. And just noticing it and going past step two to step three, it doesn't mean when we follow the process consciously, unconsciously or whatever that we are going to still get at it. Like you said, it's going to be. It's going to be icky and it's going to be a little uncomfortable to dig into. From question two to question three. But if you stay with it, you invite a certain level of compassion, not just for the other person, but to yourself too, because you're not like judging yourself for your very big reaction to the story. You're like, oh, what do I need? And it's also allowing you to know yourself better. What we said in the last episode, you are getting to you. You are getting to the belonging of yourself instead of staying stuck at external. Who am I? What do I need? What do I feel? Okay, move from there.
[00:12:34] Speaker C: Two to three gives you the gift of deeper self awareness.
If you can go from two to three. You are going to give yourself the most beautiful birthday gift. You're just going to give yourself such an I love you, I see you, I notice you.
[00:12:48] Speaker B: It's okay, you know, really, it is really important. And it also, the external to internal shifts our narrative to like, you're not just trying to be understood anymore or you're not just trying to impose your will on the other person. It's like, how can one I understand myself, so then maybe I can communicate to another person so they can better understand me. It flips it on its head. Yes.
[00:13:12] Speaker C: And you have the ability to give yourself what you need.
Right. Because you can do that.
You can acknowledge and give yourself what
[00:13:21] Speaker B: you need and do that. You can actually give your.
[00:13:23] Speaker C: You actually for the one that it's nice if you then get that from the external experience or outside conditions or that person. Beautiful, wonderful. If that's the extra validation. But it's really you giving it to you.
That's the shift. Right. I think the thing is, I feel like this whole month these episodes are going to be about creativity in some way. Like creativity and freedom.
You get to love yourself back into wholeness. You get to nurture yourself and have compassion for yourself.
That self that you left behind so many years ago. Not on purpose. You didn't do it on purpose. It's just sort of what happens when we're not aware of how much we're letting the outside affect how we live our lives and the choices that. How I live my life and the choices that I make. Right? Yeah. Like, and once you start to become a little aware, baby steps, you know, you're like, oh my gosh, I can actually recreate and reframe this entire thing.
[00:14:32] Speaker B: Yeah. See, you know, one of my favorites, my favorite reflection questions is like changing the narrative. Like, let's look at that through another lens.
[00:14:39] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:14:40] Speaker B: How that what we've been talking about is brought this question to mind, is like, why is it so easy for us to identify or to point out where someone else did something wrong? So the external versus identifying what we need, like why is why Is why
[00:14:57] Speaker C: because we are human.
[00:14:59] Speaker B: Why is that so easy? Like, why is that the default?
[00:15:04] Speaker C: I mean, I think we're unconscious at times and subconsciously trained to look outside ourselves. Because it feels safer, Right. To blame someone else or to say you don't ever. It just feels safer at some point in our lives helps us make sense of it. Especially if we're really little and we can't really.
Brain not fully developed prefrontal cortex not functioning up to speed. There are stories and things that I think we tell ourselves or that happen subconsciously to help us make sense of it.
And that can stay your entire life unless you do something, go back and reframe it and look at it, just do a little bit of, ooh, get the magnifying us and be like, oh, that's not actually what happened, is it?
[00:15:52] Speaker B: And then I think also there's this layer of societal conditioning, the story of don't rock the boat. So in order to not do that, like, I can't go too deep into to what I need and what would make this or make me feel better in this situation, because that's going to make somebody else uncomfortable. And there's like this line that we feel like we have to straddle or not erase. Expressing a need sometimes feels like you're making a demand.
What? Like, like, say that again.
Expressing a need sometimes feels like you're making a demand. And if you've been conditioned to, you know, people please or acquiesce and shrink and do all of the things that make yourself smaller when you say what you need is going to feel like a demand.
I mean, it kind of is.
Because if you are expressing your boundaries and standing on them, enforcing them, that is like, if you're going to be in relationship with me, and that could be you talking to yourself, if you are going to be in relationship with yourself, there are certain things that you will and won't do and.
[00:16:58] Speaker C: And there's nothing wrong with that. You are responsible for you. You get to say what it is you need and who you want in your life and how you see your life unfolding and what feels safe and what doesn't. You get to. You get to choose.
[00:17:14] Speaker B: You do. You really do.
[00:17:15] Speaker C: And when you first start stating your needs, that is so true. Feels like, can I even ask. Can I even say this? Like, can I even ask for this? Because there was like 30 years that I did.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: I mean, I literally just went through this micro, micro process this morning when I text you and said I needed more time. I needed time. Because historically I would have, like, can you. But, baby, this is what I need. Then what do I do? Then I'm scrambling and I'm stressed out and it's gonna be a mess. Okay, Very clearly, Exactly, very clearly stating a need.
Spoiler alert. You may actually get what you need.
Imagine giving yourself what you need and also allowing someone else to support you in that. Imagine it.
[00:18:02] Speaker C: Do you know how good I felt that you sent Me that message, knowing that I'd be like, yeah, let me know how I can help. Like, whatever's going on, I'm here. Me getting to support you in that way was like, ah, it felt so delicious because so often I feel in our history that I've been looking to you for that support. And here was like this little glimmer of like, oh, I get to support my sister. I get to support this person that I think so highly of that I love so dearly. And it was the smallest little request. Like, it was. You know what I mean? It was like, I don't want to diminish it, but it was like. It was like nothing.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: I was like, very fast processing because we were going to start at a certain time. I needed more time.
[00:18:47] Speaker C: And.
[00:18:47] Speaker B: And the time was still within the time that we were going to start. So I don't even know why in the world. It was a quick spiral of. How do I word this? Can I can. You can. No, I need this because of this. And that's it. That's all. Now literally put my phone on silence so I could focus on the thing. So I don't even know what you said back, but I was like, I still need this.
[00:19:04] Speaker C: I love it. I love that you said, I need this.
[00:19:07] Speaker B: I need this. And it's those little practices, right? Those little practices, those slight tweaks in how you approach your needs.
Because otherwise it would have been an unmet need, and then that would have again, created its own.
Probably would have been an avalanche.
[00:19:25] Speaker C: This episode would have been shite, honestly.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:19:30] Speaker C: It would have been poopy poop.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: It would have been poopy poop. And I don't want to get poopy.
[00:19:34] Speaker C: On behalf of all the explorers and myself, thank you for asking for what you need, because look at the magic that happened.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: My pleasure. All right.
[00:19:42] Speaker C: That's right there. That example is just such a. Just a. Just gold in real time.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Now this time cry, because I'll be like, can you see the magic?
[00:19:53] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Right? You see what, like, that happened and that the other parties involved had no idea was going. Like, they were part of this sort of this universe's dance of, like, this is what's happening so that we can see how we flow. And you can ask for what you need, you can get what you need, and the other person gets what they need in the moment. And, oh, it's just such a beautiful
[00:20:14] Speaker B: dance, the bravery, meeting yourself honestly first and what that does, what that changes and what that shifts in Your. All of your relationships. Oh, my goodness. Can't. Could we have an even better relationship with ourselves? Yes. Could we have a better relationship with other people? Yes. How. How does that happen? By being honest with ourselves and everybody else. So anyway, the song is so good.
Honest by Kendall Inskeep.
[00:20:48] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify.
[00:20:57] Speaker C: It's all juice.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: This is all the juice part of the.
[00:21:00] Speaker C: This is all the real.
[00:21:02] Speaker B: Listen. I am sitting there dancing to Dang on Honest and then my light turns off and like, I was like, well, that's weird. Let me turn my light back on. I ain't even think anything else of it other than that my light turned off and I just turned my light back on. Baby. We ain't halfway through the song and then something said, come around and look. And I was like, the whole. The whole Internet just disappeared. It kicked everything.
[00:21:27] Speaker C: Your power went out or something.
[00:21:28] Speaker B: What did my power out?
[00:21:30] Speaker C: Did power go out?
[00:21:31] Speaker B: It is possible that my power actually went out, which is why the light cut off, but I don't.
[00:21:37] Speaker C: We just went right into our Spotify where I put the songs and I just like, well, I'll just listen to it here. She's probably listen to it there. We're going to listen to it together. Cuz I freaking love the song. Love it. If I'm being honest, I'm not being honest.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: Was beautiful. Like freaking serious right now.
[00:21:53] Speaker C: Are we serious right now?
[00:21:54] Speaker B: But my power did possibly go out. I don't know. The only light I have on in here is the light. And my computer has its own power. If it's not connected to power. It's possible.
[00:22:03] Speaker C: It's possible.
[00:22:04] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:22:04] Speaker C: I love that you have like a little bubble of like, oh, there, a bubble. You're in your power bubble. You're like, I don't know what's happening.
[00:22:10] Speaker B: I got death. I don't know what's going on. Somebody could have yelled, hey, the power. I don't know.
[00:22:15] Speaker C: Oh no.
It could be freaking out. Who knows? Nobody knows.
[00:22:19] Speaker B: Could be and still be. But yes, the song was beautiful. So whatever happened, it was too much energy. Yeah, it was a beautiful song. I loved dancing to it and just listening to the lyrics, if I'm being honest. I tell you, I'm whole, but I'm still healing. I tell you, I thought I was this way, but I'm still fighting through the fire or whatever.
[00:22:38] Speaker C: And then you open the door and see my garden of weeds. I was like, like, oh, don't Even.
[00:22:46] Speaker B: Don't even say that. Because what. That's exactly what we do. Because we don't go past the first two and we're just looking external. Everything is, I'm fine. Favorite lie ever. And it's what I'm not actually. What if I actually told you that I wasn't fine and allowed you to support me to your capacity? What? What?
[00:23:07] Speaker C: What?
[00:23:09] Speaker B: Because I've. I've. That is also another realization that I've had is I was asking people for things beyond their capacity and that wasn't fair to any of us. But anyway, I have a question that gets to our honest internal, external expression of things.
And the question is, what is something that you've gotten better at asking for or saying out loud, I need help.
[00:23:37] Speaker C: I mean, it's right there. It could be a teeny tiny allowance of space. It could be, I need some healthy food and can you just make something for me or bring something? It could be, I need a hug.
Whatever it is, this is what I need. It's feeling the feeling and the need and then saying it to someone I trust.
[00:24:00] Speaker B: And I found too, the more practice I am in saying what I need, it also feeds my practice of being able to ask people what they need. Like seeing something, noticing it, and then like, well, what do you need? Instead of just trying to fix and solve or gloss over it, it's. But what do you actually need? Then deciding for myself to support them in that need, the more I practice saying what I need, identifying what I need, and saying what I need allows me to do that for other people.
[00:24:29] Speaker C: That's such a beautiful thing to note because we do give others permission when we give ourselves permission, right? We don't have to say a word just by living it. Exampling, right? But then in that moment when you've gotten what you need, your cup is full, you could turn and say, what do you need? That is an opening for that person to not only trust you, but to actually reflect. What do I need? Do they want to just listen? Do I want them to give me advice? Do I want them to solve the damn thing? Because they can and I can't. Whatever it is. What do you need? What a beautiful doorway that is.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: I have a quote from educator and author Peter Drucker.
[00:25:15] Speaker C: Wait, was this a. Was this a preown or was this
[00:25:18] Speaker B: a Listen, this is the song and the quote have been pre found and profoundly fit pre Go.
[00:25:25] Speaker C: Love it.
[00:25:27] Speaker B: The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't.
[00:25:32] Speaker C: Said this up. Oh, my God. Are you serious right now.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: I am.
And I am in disbelief, unbelief, but also full of belief. Because this is how it is.
[00:25:45] Speaker C: Goosebumping again.
Wow, wow wow. I want to hear it one more time. Let me hear that quote.
[00:25:53] Speaker B: The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.
[00:25:59] Speaker C: Just such a beautiful so that is it. That.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: That is it. Until next time. Explorer, may your conversations internally and externally bring you a little closer to hearing what isn't said with people you love and with yourself first and foremost.
[00:26:18] Speaker C: Yes, through this episode and through all your days, Explorers, may you experience coherence within yourself, with the people in your life and with the universe at large.
We love you so much. Thanks for joining us. Take good care.
[00:26:38] Speaker D: Thank you to Queenies in Downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. Each week.
[00:26:47] Speaker C: We'd like to give a shout out
[00:26:49] Speaker D: to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in Downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia. Accompany.
