The Lie of Too Much — Taking Up Space Without Apology

[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth. Each week we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way. Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists. If you enjoy enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions. So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode. Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, Karen and I are so glad that you pressed play. Let's start with a breath, maybe even a little shoulder drop, because today we're telling the truth about a lie. So many of us carry the lie of too much. [00:01:22] Speaker B: That's all I got. Because we're gonna get into it. [00:01:25] Speaker A: Yes, this episode is very much an expansion of our you're not too much, you're becoming episode. It's for every person who's ever been told you're too loud, too emotional, too sensitive, too ambitious to everything. It's not really about volume or emotion. It's about power. It's about the discomfort your fullness can create in spaces designed to keep you small. [00:01:51] Speaker B: Who says? Are you saying that it's too much for you? Okay, well, that's just because you're a small container. [00:01:59] Speaker A: Today, we're confronting that lie again. We're reclaiming our right to take up space with clarity, compassion, and zero apology. [00:02:09] Speaker B: To be all of who we are. Yes. [00:02:14] Speaker A: Okay, so let's start at the beginning. Too much lie. Origin story, if you will. Where did we learn this idea that we were too much? For many of us, it started young, very early. Not always with the harsh words, but subtle cues. A raised eyebrow, a quiet correction, a look that said tone it down. [00:02:41] Speaker B: A judgment. A silent judgment. [00:02:44] Speaker A: Maybe you were the kid who felt deeply, spoke boldly, asked too many questions, and got labeled as dramatic, defiant, attention seeking. Or check. Maybe you learned early on that your excitement needed to be softened, your grief needed to be hidden, your anger needed to be swallowed. [00:03:06] Speaker B: Boy, so much happens, right? So much happens. 0 to 10. [00:03:11] Speaker A: And sometimes we inherit these messages through culture, religion, gender norms. Messages like be nice, be quiet, don't make a scene. [00:03:24] Speaker B: Yeah, that's the generational messages, right? Messaging. Yeah. [00:03:27] Speaker A: We notice what parts of us got celebrated and what parts made other people uncomfortable. [00:03:34] Speaker B: Made other people uncomfortable. [00:03:37] Speaker A: And our response was to begin to edit ourselves. We shrank our joy, softened our truth, diluted our presence just to stay Included, just to stay safe. [00:03:49] Speaker B: Censored our thoughts and feelings. [00:03:52] Speaker A: And over time, we don't just hide those parts, we start to believe that they were wrong to begin with. That's how the lie of too much took root. Not just in our behavior, but in our identity. [00:04:07] Speaker B: Yeah. Once we start buying into it, once we start believing it, who are we to not believe it? People obviously know what they're talking about. If I want to be in the tribe, this is what we do. [00:04:17] Speaker A: Mm. [00:04:18] Speaker B: And you do the thing. [00:04:20] Speaker A: The thing. Staying quiet to keep the peace. To over function, to feel worthy. Abandon our needs, to avoid rocking the boat. Stop crying in front of other people. Stop naming our anger. Stop dreaming out loud. And we tell ourselves it's not that big a deal. I'll handle it. I'll figure it out. [00:04:39] Speaker B: Like, when you say those words, I picture all of our three year old selves, three or four year old selves just dancing in the rain, making mud pies, doing all the things and just having absolute, unadulterated, uninterrupted joy. That is our inherent nature. That is our birthright. Not this trimmed down, toned up, covered up, squished small kind of thing. That big celebration of life is inherently who we are. [00:05:16] Speaker A: Yeah. And messages of, like, it's not that big a deal. We pretend or we've learned that that's strength, when in actuality it's self abandonment. [00:05:26] Speaker B: Like, if we tell ourselves not that big of a deal, that doesn't hurt my feelings. And I'll do the thing that's we're literally abandoning ourselves in that moment. [00:05:37] Speaker A: Yeah. And to be clear, this isn't about blame. It's about awareness. Because until we name the story, we can't rewrite it. So here's a reflection point. What parts of you have you quieted to be accepted? [00:05:54] Speaker B: What parts have you tamped down, diluted, swallowed, shushed, put aside? What are the things that you notice, remember, or don't even remember? Putting aside, shelving. Yeah. [00:06:15] Speaker A: So we've named where the lie of too much started. What happens next? What happened when the lie began to grow? We adapted. We became manageable. We learned to perform the version of ourselves that feels easier for other people to receive. We shrank our bigness, not just physically or emotionally, but also energetically. [00:06:39] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, we just started adopting a false self. And then another false self. Yes, another false self. [00:06:47] Speaker A: It looks like smiling when you want to scream, saying you're fine when you're anything but fine used to be the default answer for everything. How you doing? I'm Fine. [00:06:55] Speaker B: I'm fine. [00:06:56] Speaker A: Good. We're okay. [00:06:57] Speaker B: How are you? [00:06:58] Speaker A: Same lie. Repeat it back to you. [00:07:00] Speaker B: I'm fine. [00:07:00] Speaker A: You good? [00:07:01] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm good. Okay, great. Both good, right? [00:07:04] Speaker A: Everyone's good. No one is good. It looks like apologizing for taking up serious space before you even take up said space. [00:07:11] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, we've done it ourselves. Can you recall a moment when you walked into a room or when you saw someone else walk into room and like, the energy was. I'm so sorry, did I interrupt? You're like, already apologizing for what you walking in for? You existing even, right? Even been being in that space. The apology of self weighs in our body. It shows in how we carry ourselves. Oh, yeah. [00:07:41] Speaker A: We turn our emotions into performance. We edit our joy, mute our grief, polish our presence. Not because we're fake, but because we're well trained. [00:07:50] Speaker B: Because that's what we learn how to do. And we do it so well. Students, I got this. [00:07:57] Speaker A: Yeah. And here's the thing. It works until it doesn't. [00:08:02] Speaker B: Yeah, Right. It helps you pass by, helps you get through periods until it just absolutely is clearly not working. [00:08:13] Speaker A: Because being the strong one gets you praise, but it also gets you overlooked. Being agreeable keeps the peace, but at the cost of your truth. Being low maintenance makes you likable, but also lonely. And when we're constantly performing palatable, we start to forget what our unfiltered selves even feel like. We confuse emotional repression with maturity. We confuse approval with belonging. And we confuse quiet with peace. None of those things, Max. So I was like, well, what is this thing? What is the name for this thing? And this dance? This. It's what I'm. What I'm calling the mask of manageability. [00:09:05] Speaker B: Yeah, that feels right. The mask of manageability. Other people can manage being around me. And I can manage to be like the other people want me to. [00:09:14] Speaker A: Yes. And we surround ourselves with people who like us, but they don't see us because they've only met the edited version, not the real version. [00:09:23] Speaker B: Ooh, sister. [00:09:29] Speaker A: And maybe the scariest part of it all is that after enough time, we start to forget who the real me, the real you, even is. [00:09:40] Speaker B: I had a moment, maybe 10, 11 years ago. Might have been slightly longer actually. Cuz I don't think my son was born yet. Where I pulled up to my house in my car and I distinctly remember saying to myself, who lives here? And I mean that in every sense of that. Who lives here? Do I live here? Who am I? I wasn't just thinking about the house. I was thinking about who lives here. [00:10:09] Speaker A: Where am I? [00:10:10] Speaker B: Where have I gone? I can just be back in that moment. It was powerful. [00:10:16] Speaker A: So, explorers, here's the truth that we want to speak over you today. Being manageable isn't the same as being whole. You don't need to shrink to be worthy. You don't need to water yourself down to be received. Here's our gentle invitation. Take off the mask. Bit by bit, layer by layer. You don't have to show up polished. You just have to show up present. Because that's where the healing begins. [00:10:45] Speaker B: And you are the first person that you need to unmask for you can create that internal safety for yourself and be kind and gentle with yourself and just start to peel back the layers. [00:10:56] Speaker A: Of the mask layer by layer, bit by bit. [00:10:59] Speaker B: There's no timeline, there's no rush. But if you feel in your gut as you're listening to this, if you feel in your gut, yeah. That something about that is pinging me and you feel like, yeah, I wonder. I wonder where that person went. I wonder who I am. I wonder how much I've buried. Then, yeah, it's time to take a look. [00:11:21] Speaker A: All right, so we are beginning to take off the mask. What do we do when the mask starts to come off? When we are taking it off piece by piece, chip by chip, after we realize that we've been contorting ourselves and into this acceptable version for everyone else, what happens then? What do we do? We begin to take up space. Not aggressively, not defensively, but truthfully. [00:11:46] Speaker B: Yeah. We begin to sense who we are and the power associated with who we are. The real knowing of who we are. It's just a slight shift in, ah, I remember I do have power and I get to treat myself that way and present that way. [00:12:06] Speaker A: Yeah. One of my favorite aspects of taking up space without apology is letting my joy be loud, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. [00:12:17] Speaker B: Oh, man. I love to hear you laugh at a party when you are throwing a party. And you are just like, laughing so good. [00:12:26] Speaker A: Yes. [00:12:27] Speaker B: And you do not know. Don't tamp it down. I love that. [00:12:31] Speaker A: I also want to be clear with explorers that this isn't about entitlement or ego. It's really, truly about alignment. It's about returning to the self you were before the world told you to shrink. [00:12:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:47] Speaker A: And taking up space might look like we're speaking up in meetings. We're wearing what makes us feel. Feel powerful. I love a good swishy, flowy skirt shirt. Yep. Thing. It's just like. And a little not too high heels because I'm. Pandemic messed me up. I'm like child shoes. First of all. [00:13:06] Speaker B: First of all, any shoes. Second of all, I don't think so. [00:13:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:13:10] Speaker B: Heck, I could never do them. So I'm impressed that you could. It didn't take a pandemic for me to be like, oh, hell no. No, I like to be comfortable. [00:13:18] Speaker A: Yes. Taking up space might look like sharing your story, even when it's messy. It might look like asking for what you need without apology. [00:13:28] Speaker B: Oh, don't ever start a sentence with I'm sorry. No, you're not. Don't be. You don't have to be. You deserve whatever you're about to ask for. You deserve it. [00:13:39] Speaker A: And some days, taking up space will feel awkward. Scary. Wobbly. [00:13:45] Speaker B: Wobbly is a good word for it. [00:13:47] Speaker A: You'll wonder if you're being too much and you will be tempted to retreat. [00:13:56] Speaker B: Is that what fight or flight's all about? It's like, wait a minute. This doesn't feel good. I'm a little uncomfortable. Run. [00:14:02] Speaker A: Yes. But let this be your reminder. You were never too much. You were never the problem. You were powerful and unfiltered. [00:14:14] Speaker B: And that is a beautiful thing. [00:14:17] Speaker A: Because becoming this future version of you who's bold, clear, rooted and free doesn't arrive through people pleasing. They arrive through truth telling. [00:14:27] Speaker B: Through real, through truth. And you know what's so interesting? Because we talk about becoming all the time and it is. But that becoming we talk about is of returning. It's a remembering, remembering. Putting your member parts back together. It's a rejoining. Putting the puzzle pieces back where they were meant to be. The becoming is unraveling. The returning. It's the original. It's the ogu. That's who you were meant to be. That's how you came into this world. Be that. [00:15:00] Speaker A: Yes, be that. [00:15:02] Speaker B: Remembering that. Some really beautiful ways to help ourselves remember that. Like go get some finger paints out. Give yourself permission to just get your hands all covered in finger paint and feel the color. Get primal and organic in whatever way that you can to tap back into that pre domesticated, wild, true version of yourself. [00:15:28] Speaker A: I love that. So, yes. [00:15:32] Speaker B: Yes. [00:15:32] Speaker A: So start small. Start with the finger painting. Start with coloring. Get you a coloring book. Start with writing. Start wherever it feels real. In one breath and one boundary. One bold decision. [00:15:44] Speaker B: Yes. [00:15:46] Speaker A: What did he say? Gentle reminder. [00:15:48] Speaker B: Gentle reminder. [00:15:49] Speaker A: You're not here to be palatable. You're here to be present. [00:15:53] Speaker B: We say it all the Time. I'm not for everybody. [00:15:55] Speaker A: That's okay. I'm good with it. [00:15:57] Speaker B: As long as you're for you, that's your job. Be for you. Because you in the most powerful, authentic sense of you is going to create the most impact and the most positive ripple outward because you are giving other people permission around you to unmask, to be unfiltered, to return from false self to authentic self. [00:16:23] Speaker A: All right. [00:16:25] Speaker B: We'Re gonna dance. [00:16:26] Speaker A: We are absolutely gonna go into a song break. So let's take a moment, breathe a little deeper, loosen our shoulders, shake it. [00:16:35] Speaker B: Out a little bit. Shake it out. Shake your real self right out onto the floor. [00:16:40] Speaker A: Be like, hello. This isn't about being loud for the sake of being loud. This is about being honest, clear presentation, and brave. So whether you're walking into a meeting, setting a boundary, or just telling the truth to yourself, this song is an invitation to stop shrinking and start showing up. The song is Brave by Sara Bareilles. [00:17:04] Speaker B: Oh, it's one of my favorites. [00:17:07] Speaker A: Let's dance. [00:17:08] Speaker B: Let's dance. [00:17:13] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify. [00:17:21] Speaker B: Special place in my heart. [00:17:24] Speaker A: That song got a special place in your heart. [00:17:26] Speaker B: That whole line about the history of silence really comes down to, we are the ones that hold the key to liberation. We need to value and love ourselves and see our worth enough to take that first step, to speak up, speak out, to show up as who we really are. Those messages get put upon us, but we let them. So at some point, when we say no more, then we have the key. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Say what you want to say and let the words fall out. I want to see you be brave. An invitation to stop editing yourselves. [00:18:05] Speaker B: Like, yeah. [00:18:08] Speaker A: And you don't have to shout to be heard. All you have to do is be brave and be willing to speak. And like Karen said earlier, more than anything else, you have to be willing to believe in yourself, to show up as you. Right. [00:18:24] Speaker B: Be willing to be you. [00:18:26] Speaker A: All right, explorers. [00:18:27] Speaker B: Cause we love you. Show up, show out. [00:18:31] Speaker A: Yes. I feel like I need another breath. Like, good. [00:18:34] Speaker B: Ooh. [00:18:36] Speaker A: We've named a lie. We've peeled back the mass. And we've taken one small step toward reclaiming our voice. We have ushered in an invitation to be brave, to do and be and become and take up space. So here's the question of the day, a question to sit with. Let it live in your journal and your body and your prayers, wherever you take it in your bold conversation with a trusted friend. And today's question is what would it look like to stop apologizing for who you are and start honoring who you are instead? [00:19:13] Speaker B: Imagine. Visualize right out. What does that look like? Who is that person? Like, maybe just write down a couple traits. That's what I did. Super confident. [00:19:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:25] Speaker B: That person is really grounded. That person is, you know. [00:19:29] Speaker A: Yeah. So I wrote down three things, like three traits. Values, beliefs of what it looks like to honor who I am. And the first one, embracing authenticity. Me and authenticity. We deep. We deep. We deep. So that means embracing your unique qualities and characteristics without feeling the need to justify or change them for someone else. I love to celebrate my individuality. I don't do well in downplaying it. [00:20:05] Speaker B: No, you got the whole parade. [00:20:08] Speaker A: I don't really do well. So, yeah, that was the first trait. The next is resilience. Specifically resilience against criticism. I'm more resilient and less influenced by other people's opinions when. Which allows me to stay true to who I am even in the most challenging situations, which just feeds back to the authenticity piece of it. And a really big one for me is about intention. Living with intention. So I continue to make choices that align with my values and beliefs, which leads to a more intentional and fulfilling experience supported by authenticity and resilience. [00:20:48] Speaker B: You're making these choices according to the values of who you actually are. [00:20:52] Speaker A: Yes. [00:20:53] Speaker B: And so then that just supports who you actually are. Yeah. That's beautiful. When you said resilience, what came up for me is a sense of humor. When I see critics, I see sensors in a different light. I almost see them as small children who don't know any better. I was like, oh, that's so funny that you think that or that you want me to do that or be that. And it has nothing to do with me. [00:21:26] Speaker A: This conversation would have done very well for me a year ago. Not everyone gets the same level of access to these layers of means like some people. All you can handle is superficial. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:21:38] Speaker A: That doesn't make me any less who I am. That doesn't mean I show up. But all I got in this relationship, like, this is all you can handle. This is all I'm gonna give you. I can't be giving you deep seven layered dip version of me because you will not be able to handle it. [00:21:53] Speaker B: And I gotta throwing that thing up in three minutes. [00:21:55] Speaker A: Not gonna sit well with you. [00:21:57] Speaker B: Not gonna be good for anybody. [00:21:58] Speaker A: Gonna sit well with you. Then it's like what? When you said you're looking at them like small children, whatever popped in my is like oh, God, my. Bless your heart. Like the Southern bless your heart came in my mind when you said that. Oh. [00:22:12] Speaker B: Oh, bless your heart. You're clueless. You have no idea who you're talking to and who I am. So of course you would think that or say that I'm just gonna cut you some slack and walk away. [00:22:24] Speaker A: Yeah, that's it. That's all I got. [00:22:26] Speaker B: I'm gonna say, cool. Cool. I'm gonna walk away for sure. [00:22:31] Speaker A: What would shift in our lives if we. We let go of managing everyone else's comfort and started tending to our own truths? [00:22:38] Speaker B: My job is not to make you feel comfortable or at ease about anything about me. That is your thing. My job is just to be me to the best of my ability, as authentically and purposefully as I can. [00:22:53] Speaker A: That's it. That's it. That's all. Would you speak up more? Would you take up space in that room? Would you say no without the after explanation? [00:23:03] Speaker B: Would you start a sentence without the words? I'm sorry. [00:23:07] Speaker A: You don't have to answer it all today. Let that question live in your body. Let it echo. Let it lead. Let it open a new path. [00:23:16] Speaker B: Let it just simmer in there. Let it percolate a little bit. See what that might bring up for you. [00:23:22] Speaker A: Because in the right spaces, in the right ownership, your voice isn't too much, your presence isn't too much, and your truth isn't too much. Okay? [00:23:33] Speaker B: And all these things we're talking about are breadcrumbs. [00:23:35] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:36] Speaker B: Little breadcrumbs. Maybe this one's for you, maybe that one there. And all of a sudden you're like. [00:23:40] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, there I am. I know who lives here now. [00:23:48] Speaker B: Okay. [00:23:49] Speaker A: All right, so I found a quote from. From author and poet Bianca Sparcino. Yes. I wrote down phonetically because, you know, I am. I'm like. This is from the book called the Strength in Our Scars. And it's. It's a lengthy one, but it. It. It lands. Let it land. Let it remind you of what's true. You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others. Stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no. Own your mood, your feelings, your plans, your path, your success. [00:24:45] Speaker B: Own all that. Own it. It's yours. The experience that you're having in this lifetime is yours. And for better or for worse, if you're not holding the reins. If you're not the conductor of the orchestra, then you know you're going to be, I don't know, playing third chair flute. [00:25:06] Speaker A: Maybe piccolo. Whatever it is, it's not. [00:25:08] Speaker B: You're not. You're not at the helm there. You're letting other energies and people and thoughts and instruments take a hold of your composition. [00:25:18] Speaker A: You were never too much. You were simply never meant to stay small. It's okay if not everyone understands your fullness, what matters is that you do. If this episode stirred something in you, share it, talk it out, cry it out, celebrate it. And if you're feeling bold, tell someone I'm done shrinking. Please subscribe, leave a review and meet us back here next week because we're just getting started. Until next time. Remember, your story isn't too loud, too deep, or too much. It's yours. [00:25:53] Speaker B: I want to encourage people to start following us on your odyssey life on Instagram as well, because there are some gems there, my friends, and a lot of humor and a lot of good stuff. Until next time, keep being you, the magnificent, bold, brilliant, true you that you are. We love you so much. Take good care. Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. [00:26:26] Speaker A: Each week. [00:26:29] Speaker B: We'D like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in Downtown Durham. Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company. Ram.