Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome, explorers. It's Tara. Karen and I are beyond excited to have you here for this second episode in our Charm Social wellness series.
[00:00:13] Speaker B: Thanks for joining us.
[00:00:14] Speaker A: Yay. This series is looking at the five essential elements of healthy relationships. Connection, honesty, acceptance, respect, and mindfulness.
Today we're getting frank about honesty.
So get comfortable and let's get started.
[00:00:33] Speaker B: I love it. This is such an important topic. I think sometimes a tendency is to hide, to not be honest. And even the absence of honesty is not necessarily a lie, but there's also the absence of communicating information accurately.
That's still not honest.
[00:00:50] Speaker A: Honesty is the cornerstone of any strong, healthy relationship.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: Gots to be real folks. Got to be real people.
[00:01:01] Speaker A: And I want to chat a little bit about three layers or dimensions of honesty, because honesty, as Karen just alluded to, is multifaceted. So the layers that I want to look at are transparency, sincerity, and truthfulness.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. I was thinking about transparency and integrity.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: Yes, yes.
Let's talk about transparency as a layer of honesty.
This aspect emphasizes openness, where we share our thoughts and feelings without concealment.
[00:01:39] Speaker B: How many of y' all have done that, like, just wholeheartedly been like, and I'm naked emotionally?
[00:01:44] Speaker A: It doesn't feel good when you get that naked. Especially the first time you like, oh, wait, you see all of me. Like, everything.
Don't look at that part over there. In this transparency, this layer allows us to understand who we are in our perspectives and our intentions more clearly.
[00:02:09] Speaker B: Not just where you're coming from, but what you're thinking about it.
[00:02:11] Speaker A: Like, exactly, exactly.
[00:02:14] Speaker B: Love that.
[00:02:15] Speaker A: And then there's sincerity, which involves expressing our genuine emotions and our intentions about our interactions. We are communicating sincerely when we create an atmosphere of authenticity.
And that sincerity makes it easier for other people to relate to us and feel secure in our relationships.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: That's related to acceptance, right?
[00:02:39] Speaker A: I mean, very much.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: Which is our next topic. Feel. Having someone feel safe enough to share honestly and to be transparent.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And then I know you might be thinking like, being honest and being truthful are the same thing.
I suppose they could be synonyms, but there's something like a different dimension in truthfulness. That is we are committed to telling the truth. You can be honest without being truthful.
This truthfulness balances our honesty with kindness.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: In my mind, for some reason, I'm flipping it the opposite way. I'm like, honesty, a more multi layered, deeply complex, rich tapestry. And truthfulness feels almost like it might be harsh. It might be harsh. It might be a little cutting. You're like, I'm just telling you the truth.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: Oh my gosh. I don't like that phrase at all. I'm just saying it's true. Yeah, it's true, isn't it?
[00:03:39] Speaker B: What is true anyway? If we're looking at it, it's all perspective.
[00:03:43] Speaker A: There is a kindness. Like if we think, what is it? Is it true? Is it necessary? It kind. Let's see what I want to say. Because it is so complex.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: Because truthfulness, I guess, really can be sort of an abstract concept.
[00:03:57] Speaker A: What you just said, like, what is true?
[00:03:58] Speaker B: Right. Like you're committing to what is true for you and also what feels of transparency and integrity and all of those things together creates that, that tapestry of honesty, of approaching life and relationships honestly.
[00:04:17] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:04:17] Speaker B: Yeah. So truthfulness being a factor or component.
[00:04:20] Speaker A: Right.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: Of honesty, being committed to being as impartial. Right. As you can to get as close to the truth of a situation.
[00:04:32] Speaker A: Yes. We came back around, we pulled it all the way together.
[00:04:34] Speaker B: I was like, I know there's. I know there is.
[00:04:36] Speaker A: If we keep talking, it's going to come to us. So we have the transparency, the sincerity and truthfulness. And when these factors of honesty are present, present, we can navigate challenges that show up in our lives gracefully because we know our intentions are rooted in care and integrity.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: I do think it boils down to honesty. How you see the world or situation and also how you communicate that or deliver that right. And it doesn't have to be harsh. It just can be like, this is, this is my perception or my belief. These are my values, whatever it comes down to.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: Because sometimes people ask for honesty or say that they're being brutally honest, but that's mean. You're just using that as an excuse to show up as a big bad meanie. Like you're just a meaning. You're just, you're just being mean. And that's, that's not right.
[00:05:32] Speaker B: People couch other things in I'm just being honesty because it sounds like it sounds high vibration. It sounds.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: I'm just being honest.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Yeah, it sounds like you're doing the correct and reverent thing.
But what they say is like, wow, that doesn't feel.
[00:05:50] Speaker A: That. Did not. Didn't like it. There was no care at all in that.
So there are misconceptions about honesty where sometimes we get this idea that honesty requires full disclosure. Like you gotta tell everybody everything. That's every thought that ever popped in your head, every feeling you've ever felt and everything that you've ever done in every experience.
[00:06:14] Speaker B: Holy moly.
It does not mean that, my friends. No, it does not. In fact, that feels painful.
[00:06:22] Speaker A: That's a lot to the people that you're doing that to yourself. Honesty involves being transparent in meaningful ways. But you don't gotta share everything.
[00:06:33] Speaker B: Part of the beauty of our journey, our evolution and the journey inward even, is it's an inside job. Like, you don't have to share how you got to Brazil every step of the way to know that you got there, you're in Brazil, you're honestly in Brazil.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: Great.
Yeah. It was like. Honesty can coexist with discretion.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: Discretion. I was supposed to do that.
[00:06:57] Speaker A: Help us to report it's possible to be truthful without oversharing or invading someone's privacy.
[00:07:05] Speaker B: Yes. Honesty living in tandem with discretion.
[00:07:10] Speaker A: Discretion.
Please do not share every thought, feeling, and experience. Nobody want this.
Really?
If I'm being honest, nobody want it.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: Exactly. And of course, as we were saying in last week's episode about connection, honesty with yourself.
How about let's start there before you go shoveling around the word honesty with other people, giving them feedback a. About things they might not have asked about. And, baby, when you haven't looked in your own kitchen.
Hold on a minute.
How about a little honest survey of what's happening inside?
[00:07:46] Speaker A: Right, Right. So there's also this idea that honesty is always easy. It's just a simple choice to live honestly.
[00:07:58] Speaker B: Humans are so much more complicated than.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: That, especially when the things that we're communicating have the potential to hurt someone's feelings or create conflict. We gotta be thoughtful about how we navigate those. We have to tap into some emotional intelligence before we just.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: Right. The empathy, sincerity, the genuine care that that conversation must be born of.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: Here are some conversation questions about honesty. We talk about misconceptions with honesty. The interplay of transparency, sincerity, and truthfulness. So what do you think holds us back from being honest?
Is it a fear of rejection or vulnerability? Something else? What is the thing that gets in our way the most?
[00:08:44] Speaker B: I think sometimes it's a fear of loss. Right. Fear of losing that relationship or that friendship or disappointing someone.
And sometimes it's also like, we. We don't maybe how to be honest? Like. Yeah, I think that's part of it too. Right. Yeah. How do I do this? How do I do this with love?
Share my feelings about something or an observation?
What if it's not welcome? What if I end up offending the person and then the relationship? If it's something that's really important to you, if the relationship can't withstand that.
[00:09:16] Speaker A: Then you got other Things that you need to consider besides whether or not you're being honest.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: It sounds like it's not valued.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: Sometimes there's a certain level of uncertainty that comes in, especially when we're sharing big things in these relationships.
And when you said we don't practice it, I think there's this lack of confidence or an insecurity because we don't do it enough or we feel that people don't share their complete feelings with us all the time, so we don't have the opportunities to validate.
When we are insecure and lack that self confidence, we'll hold back. If I share too much or if I'm too vulnerable, then that uncertainty comes into it and it's like, well, they're going to respond this way when you don't actually know that.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: You don't know until you communicate it. There's an element of trust that's involved in honesty.
[00:10:08] Speaker A: Yeah, right. Yeah. Like it's one of the key components. Like if, if we build these honest relationships, then we can have that trust and build authenticity. I know for me in my life, one of the things I struggle with is an idea of perfectionism. I have to maintain this certain image, and if anything threatens that image, then I keep that to myself. There is definitely the perfectionism that comes in, but I can, with certain, be truthful and open about the things I'm struggling with.
So.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: And it's interesting because in that moment, you're being honest with yourself.
How that, like how you're like, huh? I mean, I am struggle with that.
[00:10:47] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:49] Speaker A: So in thinking about honesty and prepping for this episode, I was like, how does honesty contribute to our self love and our acceptance of ourselves and aligning authentically?
And I was like, what does it sound like? What does it feel like? The first thing that popped in my mind was the cognitive dissonance where my actions or the things that I say don't align with how I truly feel.
So in order to build the self love and the acceptance and authenticity, I have to reduce the internal core myself.
[00:11:24] Speaker B: Right. You got to close that gap.
[00:11:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: Because in internally looking inward, if you're saying and doing things that don't feel aligned with you, you're not being honest not only with yourself, but with everyone around you, everyone you're encountering. That cognitive dissonance is a great red flag. It's like, wait a minute. Yeah, it's not aligned. Ultimately, alignment with yourself authentically, your truthful self.
That's honesty showing up as who you truly are, who you know yourself. To be.
[00:11:58] Speaker A: And then there's this level of how being honest about our needs and our limits helps us do the self care and stand in our boundaries.
[00:12:12] Speaker B: Oh yeah, that's a big one for me. When I first realized that I wasn't like other people and I needed more downtime and me time as an introvert, but also as neurodivergent, my tendency was to say, what's wrong with me? Why am I like that? But then as I get more honest with myself and I'm more aligned with how I am wired and who I am, I don't ask those questions anymore. I just accept. I hold the boundaries, I give myself what I need and the people that I'm peopling with are going to understand that.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: Yeah, you do not want me to.
[00:12:52] Speaker B: Show up in the other way.
Be like, I wish she would just go home. Why should she just not have shown up?
[00:12:59] Speaker A: Yeah. There is something about when we are living honestly that just reinforces our sense of worth and value. And we're like, this is me.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: Like we're all just like a special recipe. Right. There's no such thing as perfect. There's no such thing as right or wrong. It just is.
And loving and accepting yourself as you are. I'm not saying we can't strive to improve. Do better, be better.
[00:13:23] Speaker A: You should.
[00:13:24] Speaker B: Right? But you have to start somewhere with a basic, like, you're doing all right, kid. I love you. And embracing all the parts of you and all the messy bits and. And then moving into relationship from that place.
[00:13:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
Okay, so we don't all want to.
[00:13:43] Speaker B: Look at all the parts. I must say.
[00:13:44] Speaker A: All right.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: I mean, I get it.
[00:13:46] Speaker A: We talked about that Shadowland where.
Put it back, close the door. Don't look at it. But that's, but it's also me. There is darkness and light.
[00:13:57] Speaker B: Those are the best bits though. I'm telling you from personal experience. Can't you say like going into the darkness, looking into that, being uncomfortable and like it feeling like a little unpleasant, there's something so beautiful there that waits on the other side of that for you.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: And this, this, this idea of honesty in terms of social wellness, what I found in this journey is that what I consider darkness. It's not even, it's not even darkness at all. And I'm like, I was hiding this piece of myself for the fear, for the image. And it's like, why?
It's not darkness.
[00:14:35] Speaker B: It's just part of the whole.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: It's just part of the whole. It's the whole beautiful picture Yeah.
[00:14:40] Speaker B: I love that.
[00:14:40] Speaker A: You're like, why would I hide these pieces of myself?
[00:14:43] Speaker B: Like, the depth, some would argue the most beautiful pieces.
Yeah.
[00:14:48] Speaker A: Okay.
Know where that came from. Okay. So how do we. How do we. How do we. How do we. Honesty. How do we show up? How do we bring some of that honesty? How do we practice it in our lives?
[00:15:02] Speaker B: God. For I think first and foremost, it's like, in the form of compassion and grace.
Like, can we please give ourselves a break?
Can we please.
Let's talk to ourselves kindly. Can we please know that we have untold strength and power and brilliance in us if we just let ourselves be who we are? There's just such beauty in the various recipes and diversities and fingerprints and the ways we show up and influence the world by who we are.
Compassion and grace.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: Yeah, compassion and grace.
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Send that to others, you know?
[00:15:47] Speaker A: And I feel like the compassion and grace complements the honesty also by remembering that we can be honest and kind and respectful. We don't have to go into these crucial conversations and be like, well, you always do this, and you always say that if it's about you.
[00:16:09] Speaker B: I was just ramping up to that. I was like, well, I'm not sure where she's going with this. I'm definitely about to chime in about.
[00:16:15] Speaker A: I.
[00:16:17] Speaker B: No one asked you about someone else's experience. If there's something someone else is doing or saying or being that affects and you have feelings about it, that's one thing. No one asked you to rate someone else. No one asked you to be the Olympic judge of life.
[00:16:34] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: No one asked you to criticize and give feedback. How about just go into that bathroom.
[00:16:40] Speaker A: Mirror, say, worry about yourself.
So worry about yourself.
[00:16:47] Speaker B: Yeah. So there's a difference between bringing forth the you did this, you did that, and when this happened, I felt, own your feelings and own your reactions and own the responsibility for your experience.
And I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just trying to say that, to me, is the deepest form of honesty right there.
[00:17:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Own your stuff and remember that you ain't got to share all of your stuff because nobody wants that.
Oh. And then also, like, when we stand in our truth, we know our worth, we know our value. We're accepting ourselves. We're being truthful with ourselves.
When we show up like that, that creates an environment where other people are empowered to do the same. Like, oh, this is a safe space for those honest conversations.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: Yes, exactly.
[00:17:34] Speaker A: This is a place where judgment is not welcome. This is a place where I don't have to agree with everything that you said. And I can still be in community with you. I can still connect with you. We can still be human together.
[00:17:49] Speaker B: That honest, accepting, compassionate energy that ripples out from you and people know it and sense it before you even open your mouth.
If that's what you're practicing, you know, if that's what you're focusing on. Yeah, yeah.
[00:18:06] Speaker A: We got three options for these songs. 1, 2, or 3?
[00:18:09] Speaker B: 3.
[00:18:09] Speaker A: Be Honest by Jason Mraz featuring Inara George.
[00:18:16] Speaker B: That was just a sweet track that I have not heard before.
First of all, big fan of his. Anyway, all I ask is that you're honest with me. And really, that's where it all begins, right? Just be honest. Be all. Be all of who you are. Share all of who you are, and we can work through anything.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:34] Speaker B: Just be honest with me.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: Ooh, that was great.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: That was. I feel like I just did an hour of meditation in another place.
[00:18:42] Speaker A: Yeah, just be honest. Okay, I'm ready. I think.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: Do you have a.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: This question? I'm like, I don't get question.
[00:18:51] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:18:51] Speaker A: Okay, here we go. Today's qotd.
What learned about the importance of honesty that you wish you had known earlier.
Exactly. That's how I feel. I'm like, I mean, why did I not answer this already?
[00:19:05] Speaker B: I mean, like, like, high level, like, it's so important to be honest with yourself and therefore others about who you are. Like, what you bring, what you desire, all of your unique eccentricities. It's so important because it's going to end up backfiring.
Like, if you aren't honest with yourself and others about who you are. Or maybe you don't even know that you're not being honest. Like, maybe you don't even know who you are or you're disconnected is you have to be real careful with that.
[00:19:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: Because that's going to backfire, of course.
[00:19:42] Speaker A: Like, the way that my brain works. Because when you said, if we're not honest with ourselves and with others, it'll backfire, my brain went straight to Scooby Doo.
[00:19:51] Speaker B: Oh, that's funny. That's hilarious.
[00:19:53] Speaker A: Like, we could have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids. Like, that's what happens. Like, when we are not honest, when we are not truthful, eventually they gonna pull the sheet up and realize that, oh, it was blah, blah, blah the whole time.
[00:20:06] Speaker B: It will catch up with you.
[00:20:07] Speaker A: It will catch up with you. And one way or another, because it's exhausting to wear the Mask to be the disguise 100% of the time, to the point where you don't even remember who you actually are.
[00:20:20] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: Y'. All.
[00:20:22] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am.
[00:20:23] Speaker A: If you are at this stage of your life when you're having those questions about yourself and who you are, I ask you very seriously to sit down with yourself. What are your values? What are your non negotiables? What are the things that you want? Who do you want to be? And lean into that. Don't worry about what they look like, what vacation they went on, how big their house is, what car they're driving, because at the end of the day, you are going to have to be you and nobody else. That's like when you come home at.
[00:20:50] Speaker B: Night, you come home to you.
[00:20:52] Speaker A: What is it? Wherever I go, that's where I am.
[00:20:53] Speaker B: Exactly. Wherever you go, there you are.
[00:20:55] Speaker A: There I am again. And when we are more secure in our relationship with ourselves and we are more honest with ourselves, I feel like that changes the trajectory of your life for sure.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: It's an absolute game changer when you get into honest relationship with yourself. Who there is nothing like it. It's so beautiful.
[00:21:21] Speaker A: Yeah. So I guess the lesson is the power of being honest. How that changes your life with yourself, how that changes your relationship with others. How honestly changes how you show up in the world. Mm.
[00:21:36] Speaker B: Honesty changes how you show up in the world. Love it.
[00:21:39] Speaker A: Okay, so I found a quote by James Faust. He was a religious leader, lawyer, and politician.
[00:21:45] Speaker B: Bless a funny trio.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: I don't want to listen to what he got to say now. He was all three of them. What?
[00:21:51] Speaker B: I'm actually in some part of my mind, I'm like, yep, that tracks those things. Feel like there's something in common. I'm not saying it's necessarily good.
[00:21:59] Speaker A: James said that honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.
[00:22:11] Speaker B: Okay, I can get behind that.
[00:22:13] Speaker A: Thank you, James.
[00:22:14] Speaker B: I thought I was gonna say truth being.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: Well, the telling. Living and loving is being. Yeah, yeah. It's more than just not being deceitful or untruthful. It is about that real, true connection with ourselves. So we can then extend that connection to others. It's the foundation for trust, understanding, and growth when you know where you are and where you want to go. Now I got something to work with or show up as that person. So maybe at some point during this week, you'll take a moment and reflect on how honesty has played or not played a role in your relationships and.
[00:22:53] Speaker B: Maybe even take a tally of areas that you might become more honest or transparent with yourself and others.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: Okay, explorers, thank you so much for joining us on this episode on honesty and transparency and sincerity. And we could not be more grateful for you spending this time with us today. So until next time, be courageous in your truth telling and nurture the connections that you have in your life.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: I love it. This was beautiful. Thanks for being here with us, friends. We'll see you next time. Take good care.
