Your Voice Is Not Too Much: How to Stop Shrinking and Speak Fully

[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth. Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way. Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists. If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions. So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode. [00:00:53] Speaker B: Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad that you've joined us today. We have a question. Have you ever been told your voice was too much? And maybe more importantly, why did you believe them? Today we're talking about something so many of us have internalized that we're too loud, too emotional, too intense, and just, baby, too much. And what happens when that message doesn't just stay external, but becomes something you start telling yourself? [00:01:27] Speaker C: Yeah, man, it becomes a rudder on your ship. Right. [00:01:30] Speaker B: Because when you hear something often enough, you don't just hear it, you start adjusting to it. [00:01:36] Speaker C: Right? And you feel it. You feel it deeply, and then it internalizes. And then you're like, that's the true story. That must be true. [00:01:44] Speaker B: That must be the truth of so many people are saying it, or if I'm continuing to hear it, then there has to be something in it. So here we go. Just like I did in the last episode, coming out with a question. So, Carrot, what comes up for you when you hear your voice is too much? [00:02:02] Speaker C: Well, the early experiences I had with my voice of expressing my sensory sensitivities that I have to noise and light and large groups of people. Anytime I would express that or need to disconnect from that or go have quiet time, it was always met with a negative reaction. Like it was a problem. Like I had a problem being too sensitive. So I. I initially did use my voice to say, oh, this doesn't feel good to me. Oh, that light is too bright. And I would just get like, oh, this is just Karen being sensitive. And that didn't feel good. Now. Yeah. So I stopped saying it, but I still felt it. [00:02:50] Speaker B: Right. The experience was still true. [00:02:52] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:02:52] Speaker B: Something that comes up for me thinking through motherhood. And I know as a young mother still trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to do with these people when they would have very big reactions. And I remember using phrases like dramatic or things like that. And as I grew and as I evolved and as I settled into this identity of Motherhood and womanhood and girlhood. I realized that it only was dramatic because I was not modeled, like, what it looks like to be. To, like, have safety to fully express the range of emotions. Like, yes, you can use your voice. Yes, you can speak up. But, like, the range of emotions were not there. And like, that awareness about not wanting to silence or dampen my daughter's voices especially was just like, oh, we don't use those phrases. Or there's like this other phrase, like, boys don't cry or those limiting things. At the end of the day, the message is like, that is too much. And when it's not about the person in the experience, it's the capacity of the people around. It's like, oh, as a mother, how do I adjust my capacity to be able to handle this very big emotion and then help my child navigate through it versus trying to fit them into the box of what makes me comfortable? [00:04:10] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, Right. [00:04:11] Speaker B: That's what I think about. [00:04:11] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. That's really important and powerful because it is limiting to the person that is receiving that message. Right. [00:04:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:19] Speaker C: Yeah. And I love that, the way you said that about the full range of emotions, like, I sort of felt like I saw it like a rainbow or the color wheel, you know, and you're like, you are allowed to experience. [00:04:28] Speaker B: This is your spectrum. [00:04:29] Speaker C: Green and purple, you may not experience [00:04:32] Speaker B: red, orange, red, yellow, orange. Nope, that's too much. [00:04:35] Speaker C: It's like, wow, like, we are 360 degrees, man. It's all of it, you know, and being able to do that and express that, especially as a child. Right. So influenced by, you know, the people around us, being able to express all of that allows us to then be able to navigate it and regulate it. But if we can't even express it to begin with right, Then we're already, like, behind. [00:04:59] Speaker B: Like, yeah, we're in the canoe and [00:05:01] Speaker C: we've only got one ore. And we're like, going in, circling circle and circle and can't get through this. Yeah. [00:05:07] Speaker B: Yes. Because no one is born thinking that they're too much. It's a learned behavior, and it's learned through how people respond to you and what you observed and what's welcomed or celebrated and what wasn't, what actually creates connection and safety and what creates distance and risk. And over time, we start to associate the full range, the capacity, the bigness of our voice with risk. And just this idea of being too much or too. Too full in the range of emotions or expression is often just someone else's limit. [00:05:46] Speaker C: Yeah. Their limited Capacity, Their limited understanding. Right. Their limited receptor. Their limited heart even. Right. [00:05:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:56] Speaker C: Close down heart, you know, so. [00:05:58] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:58] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:59] Speaker B: And as we've learned, this behavior, this silencing, it'll show up in our lives when we over explain, when we apologize for our feelings, when we soften what we want to say, when we soften our truth mid sentence. Some of that is like our own projections. As a result of the learned behavior, we become easier to hold, easier to manage, easier to contain, but harder to know. [00:06:29] Speaker C: We're more palatable, we're easier to swallow, but that's diluted for sure. And it's not true. It's not the full picture. It's not the real. [00:06:36] Speaker B: So then it like becomes the question, what if your voice and you were not too much, but it's just that these spaces couldn't hold you? [00:06:45] Speaker C: Like, I love that twist on it. Like, what if it has nothing to do with you? It's just the spaces you're in that just don't. They're not able to hold and support you and love you. Like. [00:06:56] Speaker B: Right. [00:06:56] Speaker C: That's a huge awareness and realization for people who are in their adult selves going, oh, damn, that was my choice [00:07:03] Speaker B: as you were talking about that, like the, the. What is it? Koi and like goldfish, like they grow to the size of their container. [00:07:09] Speaker C: So. [00:07:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:09] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:07:10] Speaker B: If you are in a small container, you stay confined. You shrink yourself to fit what's available to you. And then you start to question whether or not your depth is actually discernment. You question your emotional awareness and your intensity. Like, is this big feeling or this big voice that I have, is this actually true? [00:07:30] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:07:31] Speaker B: Or, yeah. [00:07:32] Speaker C: Or, or. [00:07:35] Speaker B: Or you start to believe that your voice isn't too much. And we don't know how that awareness comes for everyone. But I know for me it's in the practice of other people believing and seeing things in me that I had forgotten. And then like learning to use it and letting it show up. Wobbly, unsure. Un. [00:07:55] Speaker C: What is. [00:07:56] Speaker B: What is the word I'm looking for? Unrefined. Yeah, just pure, raw, out the earth. [00:08:02] Speaker C: Like no sandpaper polish. [00:08:07] Speaker B: Because it's this awareness that your. Your voice and you are not meant for small containers. [00:08:14] Speaker C: Exactly. And we're not meant to. Nor are we perfect. And so to sort of judge and criticize and limit ourselves and as we walk into the room and as we feel something and then don't say it. Right. That's such a disservice to you and all of humanity, in my opinion. [00:08:31] Speaker B: Yeah, okay, but we're also not saying, like, just come in here and say everything and be obnoxious and be rude. [00:08:37] Speaker C: We are not encouraging. [00:08:38] Speaker B: Remember when I just said about the depth and discernment? Like, your depth being discernment. There is a layer of discernment. There is. My grandma would say all the time, it's not what you say, but how you say it. It's not what we're asking you. [00:08:50] Speaker C: We're not saying come in fully loaded and just start spraying fire everywhere. [00:08:53] Speaker B: Like, no, that is not kind. That is not kind. But we are asking that you embrace and allow yourself to be fully heard asking yourself the question, what does it look like to stop shrinking and be more honest and reclaim your voice? And what that looks like is different for everyone else. So for you, it might be. You're not editing your reactions. You are letting yourself be seen in real time. I'm looking at myself in the mirror like I'm a former. Not. I wouldn't say perfectionist, but I'm learning and trusting and building the safe spaces, the spaces that will hold me versus trying to shrink myself down or cut off whatever piece to fit into the space. [00:09:41] Speaker C: And to the others. Yeah. [00:09:43] Speaker B: Not everyone will get it. And I think that's kind of the point. [00:09:46] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. For our listeners, I think an important question or reflection to have or to ask is, what are the parts of me that I have buried? Just sort of think about that. What are these parts? Why did I bury them? Can I resurrect them? Can I be okay with them? Can I find a place where I can sort of be all of myself? Right. And share my wholeness? [00:10:10] Speaker B: And if you can't find that place, you build that place. [00:10:13] Speaker C: Yeah. You be that place and then you build that place. [00:10:17] Speaker B: Yeah. That's a big part of our journey with your Odyssey is that awareness of creating the spaces that we wish we would have had when we needed them. The reclamation, the reintegration, that process, and having those conversations that open up and give permission for other people to do the same thing. Because at the end of the day, beautiful explorer, you're not too much. I just hope and believe that you are done being less. [00:10:49] Speaker C: And that safe space is, you know, that larger aquarium for the koi. Right. Like that. Safe space is something that we feel passionate about creating for sure. And we love to hold that space and support others as they are reclaiming their voice. And I think it's something that we're both passionate about. Both of us have similar but different experiences about disconnecting from our voice. And now that we are feeling more whole and empowered and connected to our voice, we want everyone to have that experience and to be able to know that joy and to feel that wholeness. I think that's really important. [00:11:30] Speaker B: Yeah, it is really important. I thought I had more questions. I don't, because I feel like this is the cherry on top. All of the episodes in this month's arc, maybe we can do a brief. Your voice is not too much. And what those layers of voice look like when we talk about, especially the power of your voice, like what the too muchness of your three voices actually looks like. [00:11:58] Speaker C: I think having people, anyone listening, like, just getting into a comfortable position to the first step, in my opinion, is getting quiet. You know, stilling your mind as best you can and just focusing inward, connecting to your breath and just sort of slow down your breathing and notice your breathing. [00:12:23] Speaker B: Right. [00:12:24] Speaker C: Because until we get quiet enough internally with ourselves, it's going to be a little tricky. It's going to be a little hard to connect and access what. What our true voice is and what our authentic expression is, what our, you know, soul is telling us, leading us to, guiding us to. So I think just like stopping and noticing that first, getting into that space so that your. Your energy, your soul can align and become coherent with your physical voice and just providing that loving, quiet stillness where you can realize for yourself that you are loved and that you are whole and that you are worthy and that you are important. And you can flood yourself with those messages of self love, those love messages that you send, perhaps to your bestie or to your children or to your pet or to any cause that you care about. Like all that love that pours out of you, let it pour into you. Let it help you know that you are safe and that you are loved and that anything that you are here or feel called to express, that aligns with that soul, that inner voice, that metaphysical voice, that is what you're here to express. Yeah. And I think that's really the beginning [00:13:55] Speaker B: of all of it. [00:13:55] Speaker C: Because when we get into that quiet space and love ourselves and tell ourselves we love ourselves, you know, give yourself a hug if that feels good, whenever we create that safety, then we can start to look around and see what's in there and see what's true for us and see where maybe we have forgotten some things about us, hidden some of our gifts because we were nervous to use them or thought they might not be accepted or appreciated. And we can do all of that for ourselves internally. Right. Once we love and accept Ourselves deeply and completely as we are in this moment. We can move forward from that place of compassion and deep self acceptance and self love. And then we start to step slowly into our voice. [00:14:46] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that you started with getting quiet, like getting still. I know from personal experience and I feel like I have arrived at this space in this season now because I did embrace the quietness. I know I've mentioned in a conversation, like when my therapist suggested, like I do a silent drive. And I was like, what? No, nothing. Just me and me and the road and the road. White noise. Like, why would I do that? [00:15:10] Speaker C: That isn't like, that's my favorite thing to do. [00:15:13] Speaker B: That's when I'm listening, jamming out to my music. But when I did it, all of the noise and all of the distractions stopped and things were clearer. Like there's clarity, like connections that I was trying to force or an idea that I was trying to. Like I was pulling and grasping at it fully just showed up and it's like, oh, well, this and this and this and this and this and this. And I've embraced it. I don't even know how long it's been. It seems like it's been forever now, but I know it's not really been that long. But just having that quiet and that focus to. In order to have the clarity and the clearness of soul, to actually express what I want to express, like, that shifted a lot of things for me. So I love that that's where we start. It's not in the. Well, you should do this and start. No, stop. [00:15:57] Speaker C: It's not in the action. It's not in the doing. It's in the being. For sure. [00:16:00] Speaker B: It's in the being. So inviting us to just be and to rest and to be still and quiet in that moment. Like, I'm a believer. [00:16:11] Speaker C: Yeah, right. [00:16:12] Speaker B: And it works. It really does. [00:16:14] Speaker C: It might feel awkward for you to just sort of sit for a few minutes and kind of just be open and silent and curious, but it will. You will get answers. You will get direction. Like, yes, I've. It's never not happened. You just need to trust that everything that you need is within you. Just trust that everything that you need is within you. And you move from that place of quiet, maybe even tentative curiosity. Like, do I really know? Do I have all of the tools? Do I know what my purpose is in this world? Do I know what next small action to take or what thing to say or who to connect with? Yeah, you do. I promise you. [00:16:58] Speaker B: Yep. It's already there. All right, I have a song, but thank you for that. I have a song that feels like this kind of reclamation, this kind of anthem about the moment when you stop trying to fit into the spaces that were never meant to contain you and start defining yourself for yourself. This song is I Am Not My Hair by India Ari. [00:17:28] Speaker C: Love her. [00:17:28] Speaker B: She the beast. [00:17:33] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify. [00:17:42] Speaker C: I just got down so hard. I don't think I've danced that hard in, like, at least weeks. For sure. [00:17:49] Speaker B: I'm doing, like. Like a shuffle thing. [00:17:51] Speaker C: And oh, yeah, the groom is so good. Oh, man, I was going down to the ground. I all kinds of stuff. That was great. I am not my hair. I'm not my skin. I am not your expectation. I am the soul within. We were literally just saying that. [00:18:10] Speaker B: I am not your expectations. That speaks to when people are trying to limit your expression to their capacity. And I'm more than that. I am not content with playing it small. I'm not content in shrinking or editing myself to make you more comfortable. I like making you more comfortable. Makes me more uncomfortable. And that's just. [00:18:33] Speaker C: No, then that doesn't serve any longer. I'm gonna color outside the lines. [00:18:39] Speaker B: I'm gonna get my own coloring book because I don't like it. [00:18:43] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:44] Speaker B: In an episode a while ago about, like, the parts of ourselves that are too much, and today's question is specifically when we talk about our voice, and being told that our voice is too much is kind of an extension of that, a deepening of that, if you will. And it's, where are. Or where were you still editing yourself to be more palatable? [00:19:10] Speaker C: I had an example come up immediately. Okay, it's my son's birthday. And so, you know, being divorced, sometimes it's like, is there two celebrations? Is there one? So we all were getting together at his favorite hibachi restaurant. I'm there. My two kids are there. My ex husband and his wife and one of her sons is there. And I found myself wanting to explain that I wasn't going. Like, everybody else was going hibachi, and I wanted sushi. And I found myself really feeling like I had to explain my position on it. And I. I mean, I don't even know. Like, I was like, this is what I want. And then I was like. Like I said it. And then I felt like I was backpedaling and trying to apologize for it or why that's, you know. And at some point, to his credit, my ex Husband said, just get what you want. It's. That's. There's no. Nothing else needed after that. So I was censoring it. I was judging myself and making myself feel weird because I wasn't doing what everybody else was doing. [00:20:17] Speaker B: Yes. Like, no one asked you why you wanted what you wanted. It was just that learned behavior of if this is different, then I need to tell them why I want something [00:20:28] Speaker C: different or it's not even allowed. Like, yeah, it was a meal, for crying out loud. It was like a birthday. Like, and I still felt it. I felt this desire to explain why I just eat what you want to eat. There's nothing to explain. There's no. There's. [00:20:44] Speaker B: Yeah, that's what you want. [00:20:45] Speaker C: But that's my example. That's the first thing that popped in my head. And how about you? Go ahead. [00:20:50] Speaker B: It's. It's definitely the overexposure explaining, like, the residual effects of, like, having to explain why. Why you're different. I find myself doing that, like, over explaining in responses to just general text message, someone, like, share something. And then I'm like, I start responding back to it. And I'm like, hold up. Why am I giving all this detail? Like, my answer is my answer or the direction is the direction, and I don't have to do that. Recently, someone shared something that was big for them to share one. I was just like, oh, you know, feel safe enough with me. And then I started by saying, I'm sorry if you feel. And then I was like, no, I don't want to apologize for someone's feelings. Like, I don't want to pre apologize because that's not what the. Exactly. So I was like, it's like, delete, delete, delete, delete. Start over. Let's. Okay, Tara, reread us. Where do you feel is an appropriate response? Where you're not over explaining where you're not over explaining for someone else, but you are speaking from what you know to be true and your experience and go from that place. And it was like, oh, well, this. This is a lot easier. I do find myself over explaining. And then like, wait a minute. [00:22:02] Speaker C: Pulling it back. [00:22:02] Speaker B: There it goes again. They're like, they're redoing it again. But again, you don't have to do that. It. And it shows up so much, but it's moving from a different awareness. Like, I don't move from that place and I don't share it. Now if someone asks, like, why or whatever, then I'll go from there, but it's not to the point where, like, I have to justify, approve that just what I know to be true is true. I'm like, I'm not doing that. That learned behavior, that methodology, that way of interacting, that way of communicating is very easy to do. It's almost like the first response and then I got to give myself that minute to be like, hold on. What do we actually want to say? [00:22:38] Speaker C: You're like, wait a minute. You feel it. [00:22:40] Speaker B: Wait. [00:22:40] Speaker C: Helps me. I put my hand on my heart and I'm like, wait. What do I really feel? [00:22:43] Speaker B: Hold on. Yeah. So explore for you. That may be like, you soften your tone or you hold something back before the people even have a chance to receive it. I've seen it show up as I launch coaching offers and saying the price and then feeling like I need to explain why the price, like, justify why the price is the price. Instead of just. [00:23:04] Speaker C: It's just. That's what it costs. [00:23:06] Speaker B: That's what it is. [00:23:07] Speaker C: That's what it costs my time. [00:23:08] Speaker B: That's the value. That is the value attached to this service. [00:23:11] Speaker C: Yes, exactly. Yeah. [00:23:14] Speaker B: All right, beautiful. [00:23:15] Speaker C: Thanks for sharing. [00:23:16] Speaker B: Yeah. I have a quote from author, activist and entrepreneur Glennon Doyle. You will be too much for some people. Those aren't your people. Maybe it's not you, maybe it's them. There are people for whom you're too much will be exactly enough. Don't become less. Find those who want more. Don't unmuch yourself. [00:23:44] Speaker C: Goosey bumping. [00:23:46] Speaker B: Yes. Don't unmut yourself. [00:23:47] Speaker C: Don't unmut yourself. Oh, man. Find the people who can want more, who can embrace all of you and love what you have to offer, love what you bring. Yeah. [00:23:58] Speaker B: Yes. [00:23:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:24:00] Speaker B: Those are your people. Yeah. Like those are your people. You were never meant to shrink yourself, to be easier to hold, easier to contain, easier to manage. That's not what you came here for. [00:24:11] Speaker C: No. You came here to be true and authentic and to share what it is that only you can share in only the way that you can share it. [00:24:19] Speaker B: Yeah. So until next time, Explorer, take up the space your voice was always meant to feel. [00:24:27] Speaker C: Create safety for yourself and lean into your voice. That is your truth. We love you so much. Thanks for being on this journey with us explorers. Until next time, take good care. [00:24:42] Speaker D: Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. Each week. [00:24:51] Speaker C: We'd like to give a shout out [00:24:52] Speaker D: to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 [00:24:55] Speaker C: Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned, minority, [00:25:00] Speaker D: owned coffee shop in downtown Durham. Brought to you by Durham based, 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.