You're Allowed to Take Up Space

[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth. Each week we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way. Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists. If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions. So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode. [00:00:53] Speaker B: Explorers, it's Tara. You're allowed to take up space coming in hot because someone finally gave you permission. But because you already do, the question isn't whether you take up space, it's how you take up space. So, Karen, when you hear is how what comes up for you? [00:01:18] Speaker C: I really think it's a choice that you either make consciously or unconsciously. Right. So if we default to what we're used to doing, showing up, and we haven't had a history of feeling connected to our power and feeling confident in ourselves and loving ourselves and who we are in the wholeness, and I think we'll do a disservice, right. To how we show up. So I think you make a choice. You make a choice to connect to yourself. You make a choice to love yourself, and then you move from that place. [00:01:56] Speaker B: Did I answer the question that so much? Yes, because you're saying the how is the choice? Like that's what it is, the how is the choice. [00:02:03] Speaker C: It's the choice. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. How do you feel about that? [00:02:07] Speaker B: I agree. It is definitely a choice in showing up. We've talked before about how so many of us have learned to shrink ourselves. So we learn how to shrink ourselves by managing other people's comfort, by softening and editing and making ourselves easier to hold, more palatable, more digestible or whatever. So sometimes that choice is a conscious choice and sometimes it's circumstantial. The choice was made for us and we didn't. We were making a choice when we didn't even know we were really making a choice. But yeah, the how is in the choosing. And once you have an awareness, which we hope by the end of this episode, our listeners will have an awareness about how they are choosing to take up space. [00:02:56] Speaker C: Right. We've said before, even not choosing is choosing. It's really important. The awareness is the key. Because if you're not even realizing how you're showing up or you're not paying attention to that. Right, Right. It's going to just go sideways. Probably most of the time. Right. It's a presentness, a presence and an accountability and a desire to really embrace all of who you are. And I think that when we do that, then there's a shift in our energy, because our showing up, our leading, is not just our physical being. Right. It's an energy that we project, and people can feel that. So. So if it's not united, if it's not coherent and aligned, then you can peacock all you want. It's not going to come through. I love that. [00:03:46] Speaker B: Because our presence by no means is neutral. We bring something to the emotional climate. Like when we walk into a room, we bring our energy, we bring our awareness, we bring our avoidance, we bring our truth or our silence. And whether we mean to or not, we are influencing what happens in that room. [00:04:08] Speaker C: Right, exactly. You're having influence, so you might as well be cognizant of the influence, be [00:04:13] Speaker B: intentional about the type of influence that you have in the room. So when we choose to hold back our opinion, like, the room tends to say, like, surface level. When we speak clearly, the room stabilizes. And this is for my anxious, avoidant listeners. It's like when we avoid tension, the tension doesn't disappear. Like, it stays in the room. Just because you sidestep the hole doesn't make the hole go away. Like, it's still there. [00:04:41] Speaker C: You're still potentially going to fall into that hole just because you're not looking at it. [00:04:45] Speaker B: I'm curious, either in clients or personal relationships, what you notice. Because I feel like people don't always realize their silence or their avoidance or is still shaping something. So I'm curious, in relationships, professional, personal, what you notice about the silence shaping things. [00:05:07] Speaker C: Yeah, I think whether we realize it or not, whatever we bring into the room does affect the wholeness, the energy. And we have, I believe, an obligation to ourselves and to the room, to the relationship, to the exchange, whatever it is, to be as authentic and as transparent and as present as possible. And so acknowledging, you know, even in this moment, I can't fully express how I feel or whatever it is, you know, or in this moment, I'm having big feelings and I'll need a few minutes to gather my thoughts, or I'll need a few days to get back to you. You know, setting those sorts of parameters and boundaries and being okay with being that type of an example, with being okay with not having all the answers or not being able to, in the moment, satisfy the question or the person's request or whatever. I think when we can get to a place of okayness with our imperfection and our ability to just be. Be vulnerable and truthful and transparent. I think that's the most beautiful energy to bring. As we say, like you're bringing energy. So if you're feeling a certain way, then acknowledge that if nothing else to yourself and just stay with it, be with it. We're leading by example. Whether we know it or not, intentional [00:06:45] Speaker B: or unintentional is still happening. [00:06:47] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:06:47] Speaker B: Yeah. I also feel like a lot of conversations about taking up space. Space stop at the visibility portion of taking up space. Like say more. [00:06:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:06:59] Speaker B: We hear the messages that we need to be seen. We need to speak up. And there is this therapist and coach that I love. Her definition of capacity. It is therapist and coach Raquel Hopkins definition. And it says that capacity is the developed ability to consistently handle, produce and navigate life's responsibilities, conflicts and challenges without breaking. So it's more than just being visible. It is about increasing your capacity. And that's not in the fluffy. Like [00:07:40] Speaker C: I can do it all. [00:07:42] Speaker B: Yes, I'm a superhero and I did this, this and this. Okay, but how did you handle it? Did you handle it well? Did you handle it gracefully? Did you handle it truthfully? Were you authentic or were you just performing? And the questions that come up when I think about the difference between visibility and capacity is like, can you stay present when attention is on you? Maybe this past eight, nine months of my life, some growthy growth, I can be visible. And I talk about like being visible but also at the same time hiding who I am because it's just easier to go along and get along. Like, you know, I don't require too much. You know, if I'm just here, then everything is fine. Like, yeah, you see me, but you don't have to take too much of me on. Like I make this easier for everyone. Like I'm self sufficient. I got it. The seed of hyper independence that comes from being visible but not necessarily being taught what it means to have capacity in that visibility. And then the question of can you hold disagreement without retreating? And as a formerly anxious, avoidant attachment style person is like my default would be no, this is, this is crazy. This is wild. This is not going. We're not seeing eye to eye. And then I'm going to back up. Like then I'm out. Stonewall, silent treatment. Like I'll be present but I'm not here. I am present but not accounted for it. Yes, yes. And then also the question of can you speak without over explaining. [00:09:17] Speaker C: That's a good one. [00:09:18] Speaker B: Because as beautiful human beings, we want to be seen and heard and known. But part of the cultural conditioning, at least for me, was like, explaining my reasons why I feel the way I feel or why I think the way I think. And, like, giving people an explanation when they need an asshort. [00:09:37] Speaker C: Right. Like, you're on trial. [00:09:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:40] Speaker C: You're like, I have all of my [00:09:41] Speaker B: arguments and exhibits lined up. Oh, yeah. Your argument is also handled. [00:09:46] Speaker C: Yeah, all of it. I will talk to the jury all day long. [00:09:50] Speaker B: Yes, I got it. And it just like, comes to this awareness for me that taking up space without capacity feels like exposure. That's why it's so uncomfortable, because everything within us is like, no, protect yourself, hide yourself. Like, if you pop up, then they gonna hit you down. Like, no, this. We're taking up space. We don't have the capacity to be in this space. And now we just out here and everything and every one will actually get us versus taking up space with capacity and how that looks and becomes and evolves into actual leadership. Or like you said a little bit earlier, like, we become the example. [00:10:24] Speaker C: You are leading me beautifully to the next thing I wanted to say, which is when you step into that place and you are starting to panic because you are being naked. Naked and vulnerable and visible. Right. That is so closely tied to the importance of nervous system regulation. So because what's happening in your body physiologically is all out sirens blowing, all out panic on the nervous system level. Now, you may be presenting a particular opinion or something, but inside, what's happening, that is really what's being sent out energetically. [00:11:09] Speaker B: Right. [00:11:10] Speaker C: And so it's so important to honor how we're feeling and what we want to say, and also notice that we create that inner safety, that nervous system safety for ourselves. And the more that we practice things that help us, putting our hand on our heart in that moment and just thinking, like, what do you need? Like, you're safe. Just telling yourself, like, it's okay to show up in this way. You're safe. I'm God. You know, I think that in that moment, your nervous system and your inner child is just like, okay, okay, we can do this. We can do this. Okay. We can say what we actually feel and not worry about getting hit or getting punished or getting shamed or whatever it is. And because that stuff bubbles up, man, that stuff is still in there if we haven't sort of done the archeological dig, Right? Yes. [00:12:03] Speaker B: And that nervous system regulation shifts our questioning or our thought process from. From like, can I be visible? Can I speak up to, can I stay in this visibility? Can I be all of me and be okay with whether the people get it or the people don't get it? And there is like, which leads to increasing capacity. Yes. I mean, absolutely. [00:12:27] Speaker C: Like, that's what you. That's the missing piece between like showing up and being able to show up and be present. Is that. [00:12:34] Speaker B: And let it be okay. Because like, I invite you to think about a moment where you felt stretched or uncomfortable and notice how you responded. Notice what happened in your body and gently ask yourself what would help you stay present. Like the moment when you were like, oh, I'm feeling this thing. And then you retreat or you shrink or you do whatever conditioning that you have grown into and notice how you respond and ask yourself what would help me stay present for just five breaths longer the next time the situation comes up? Because like we said earlier, that awareness is how you shift capacity. And it's our favorite thing, that pause in between, right? That, that noticing that builds your capacity. One decision, one conversation, one moment at a time, right? [00:13:24] Speaker C: It's that presence, that awareness when you're in that, when you begin to feel that thing in your body. Because it will show up in your body somewhere when you feel it. Just like, let that be. Let that be the light, let that be the alarm. Let that be like, okay, wait a minute. Some big things are happening because that's how we rewire, right? That's how we rewire the pathways in our brain. That's how we rewire our responses. How we show up in the future is by noticing it and allowing it, being with it, acknowledging it and staying present. [00:13:56] Speaker B: Mic, drop, drop, mic, Karen. Like drop the mic, Karen. Oh my goodness. [00:14:02] Speaker C: I believe I won't speak for you. I believe that I am absolutely in the middle of this, these practices. I'm. I'm continually exploring this, what I'm going to say, discomfort. It does, it's like you're in the conversation, you're in the moment and somebody says something and then you're like, if you're thinking about, if you're feeling, you're like, what is happening in my body? So you have almost this out of body experience. Like I'm in this conversation, but that thing made me feel like I am, am six years old. Like, what is happening? And so you sort of start to notice and you sort of start living [00:14:40] Speaker B: both of these experiences same time. [00:14:42] Speaker C: But if you can pause, right? And just be like, either put your hand on your heart or your belly, wherever, especially you're feeling it oftentimes for me, it's right in the center of my abdomen. It's like this feeling of, like, it's not quite panic, but there's a weightiness to it. And I'm getting so much better at noticing it and describing it, working with the somatic therapist that I'm working with. Because those are all clues, right? So if you're feeling a tightness in your chest or your voice just starts to all of a sudden, like, conk out, right? You know, you're clearing your throat, that those are all nervous system clues. Those are all like, hey, we've experienced this before. And our automatic response is this. Like, yeah, you can do that, or you can sit with this and be a little bit uncomfortable and allow it to flow and allow it to relax into the awareness and the acknowledgement of. Of that feeling and let it. Let it be. [00:15:42] Speaker B: So I love that. But it is absolutely a continual process of the noticing and choosing. Noticing and choosing. And that's not saying, like, I know I don't get it right 100% of the time or where. It's just like, I noticed. And sometimes little. Whatever. The primitive version of your brain is the one that just. [00:16:06] Speaker C: The amygdala that's, like, ready to just. [00:16:07] Speaker B: Sometimes that just goes. And the program fires. And I'm like, we don't do that anymore. Like, why did we say that? What did we just do? Why did that just happen that way? But giving myself that compassion and that grace to be like, okay, well, next time we're gonna get a little bit better. Resetting the program, doing the same. I'm listening to a record. We've talked about the grooves of, like, how we respond and how we've been conditioned to respond. Like, the record continues playing. It's like, I'm gonna pick up the needle, put it back. We're not doing that. That's not how we're moving in this space. And I. I don't wanna say enjoy, but I embrace the. The constant opportunity to choose differently. Even if it's not. Like, I would want it to be more, you know, four leaf clovers, sunshine, rainbows, mermaids and things like that. And sometimes it's coming out like bar and like a old medieval mace swinging around. It's like, okay, we're gonna. We're gonna. But, like, the embracing the opportunity to choose differently, to show up and prove to yourself that you have the capacity to handle this situation in a different way. And that just that awareness, that positive reinforcement of, like, handling it differently is the next time it's like, oh, we got that. We're definitely picking the needle up. Like, we ain't playing this record. Take the record off. We're not even doing that one. Yeah, yeah. [00:17:32] Speaker C: Because the grooves are so deep. And. And for us, for explorers, anybody, any human being, like, we all have some of that really subconscious and unconscious programming stuff that we didn't even necessarily agree to, but we thought we needed to survive. And that will come up. That programming will come up, and we're gonna see it all the time. And the more aware you get it, that you can notice it and practice it, like you said, and just be like, sometimes you're just gonna default. Like, especially, like, let's say you're tired, [00:18:01] Speaker B: you haven't had enough water sleep like [00:18:04] Speaker C: that you're gonna default. Right? So it's so important to have the skills and the awareness, but also to recognize when you need those things, when you need the sleep, when you need to take care of yourself so that you don't fall into that automatic reaction mode. Right? [00:18:19] Speaker B: Mm. Yeah. [00:18:21] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:21] Speaker B: That was beautiful. [00:18:22] Speaker C: Good opportunities. [00:18:24] Speaker B: So what I'm hearing, what I'm noticing in this episode, is that sometimes explora the moment isn't about doing more, being more. It's about recognizing what's true for you. As I have a song from Frozen 2. It is show Yourself by Idina Menzel. [00:18:47] Speaker C: Love her so much. [00:18:52] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify. [00:19:01] Speaker C: Do you know how much I love that much fun? You are the one you've been waiting for. [00:19:08] Speaker B: Listen. That line right there. The whole time, listening to the song, is she talking about someone outside of herself? Like, who is it? But listening to it from the perspective of myself, I'm saying these things to myself, like, hey, I've been waiting on you. Like, what in the world? What's happening? But that line right there, you are the one that you've been waiting for is. Is the whole. The whole entire heartbeat of this episode. [00:19:35] Speaker C: Yeah, that's the whole enchilada right there. Show yourself. I think that's a great phrase for those moments where your body and nervous system wants to, like, back off and hide and disconnect. Like, I think those are the moments that you put your hand on your heart and you just say, you're safe. [00:19:53] Speaker D: You're safe. [00:19:53] Speaker B: Safe. [00:19:54] Speaker C: Show yourself. [00:19:55] Speaker D: You're safe. [00:19:55] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh, I love it. Yeah. It's like, oh. Oh, my goodness. But she said, come home, come home, come home. [00:20:03] Speaker C: She said, come home. I know. [00:20:04] Speaker B: I heard her, like, just go, okay. All Right. Huh? [00:20:07] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. That just took us on a real adventure. It was, like, from the very beginning, all the way through the. Yeah, I could picture her going into, like, the ice caves. [00:20:15] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. It was a great adventure. I really did feel like I got on a boat in Arendelle and went somewhere. [00:20:21] Speaker C: Yeah, totally. It really does a good job of that. As it was getting bigger and bigger, I was thinking, can this song get any bigger? And then it would get bigger. And I was like, what is happening? What ride are we on? Yeah. Yeah. [00:20:33] Speaker B: So that. Can it get any bigger? Like, that is definitely speaking to our capacity. Like, can we grow our capacity? And. Yeah, you actually can. You actually can. [00:20:43] Speaker C: You actually. You are bigger than you can even begin to imagine. Right? [00:20:48] Speaker B: I love it. That was great. Okay. [00:20:49] Speaker C: That was killer. [00:20:52] Speaker B: Time for the question of the day. What are you carrying into the rooms you're part of right now? [00:21:01] Speaker C: I realize that I've been carrying a lot of fear and doubt. [00:21:04] Speaker B: Ooh. [00:21:07] Speaker C: Yes, that is correct. Yeah, I've been carrying that, and I'm choosing to lay it down. I've carried it, really, most of my life. That fear and doubt of being able to show myself, of being fully and completely myself and choosing how I just want to be in this world. And so I'm working on releasing the fear and doubt. [00:21:31] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am. Yes, ma'. [00:21:33] Speaker C: Am. Yes, I. [00:21:34] Speaker B: And right now, in this season, I have noticed myself bringing a groundedness. Part of that is based on the identity shift of, like, everything has to happen now. The urgency, the, oh, my goodness, I have to do it and has to happen now to clarity, which allows me to show up grounded. This is. This is going to be funny. And it may get cut, but whatever. So I accidentally joined the. [00:22:04] Speaker C: It's going to be good. [00:22:05] Speaker B: I accidentally joined a new leadership team at my church around being, like, a marketplace leader. And I say accidentally, because I think I told you, Karen, like, after the thing, I was like, I thought I checked the box, but unchecked the box, but I don't know. We about to find out. So anyway, went to this meeting on Thursday, and it's like, and this is the leadership team. And I was like, oh, oh, I did. I. I did that. [00:22:31] Speaker C: I did not uncheck that box. [00:22:33] Speaker B: That did happen. And I. Historically, in that space, I know that I would have shown up and probably not spoken up in that meeting, realizing, like, the. The impact that is possible because I'm like, this is like marketplace leaders. So people, you know, that are high level executives, like CEOs, CEOs, but it's also exactly like those people. And like, me as, like, oh, I'm just a little old business owner. Like, and I just got here as a business owner. Like, I just did this. Historically, that would have been like, girl, you only been a business owner for half a piece of a second. But now, from this place, this groundedness, I know that each and every room that I'm in, I belong in that room. My voice matters in that room. I will speak up in that room. I'm sharing my voice because it carries weight, because I know what I'm talking about. Because I have shown up in these roles with leadership. I mean, for goodness sakes, I'm a mama. So I'm leading people. I've been leading people, like, and because it's important. [00:23:37] Speaker C: And your voice matters in those groups. [00:23:39] Speaker B: And I was like, high five me. Pat myself on the back, and it's like, challenge accepted. Let's go. Let's do this. We're in here because we're supposed to be in here. And we will make the impact that we're supposed to make because we're supposed to be here. And you can absolutely do this. No one is asking for you to have, like, this depth and breadth. No. Speak from what you know, sis. That's it. That's all. [00:24:02] Speaker C: Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You belong. [00:24:04] Speaker B: I belong in every room, at every table that I find myself, and that is the groundedness that I stand on now. Not even that long ago, I'd have been like, I'm gonna let other people that know the things say the stuff. [00:24:16] Speaker C: Well, you know what's really funny is I thought you were going to speak up, that you were interested, but that you actually aren't ready at this time. Like, I thought you were going to use your voice to say, oh, you know what? I did actually check that box. But I thought I unchecked it. And it's cool. I'm interested in the future, but just not. [00:24:33] Speaker B: That would have been the over explaining me, like, oh, well, there's a reason. However that happened, I'm not here to question or justify or be like, well, no. Okay, we here, and this is what we're doing. [00:24:45] Speaker C: Yourself. Yep. [00:24:48] Speaker B: Explore. Ask yourself in those spaces, in those conversations, in those rooms, in those relationships, like, are you carrying clarity or are you carrying this hesitation? Are you grounded or are you scanning the room for approval? And it's like, are you present or are you protecting? Because something will change when you choose to just be 10% more present than you used to be. Five seconds of pausing when you would have just like retreated or reacted versus responding. Your answer to today's QOTD and whatever comes up will shift how you approach the next conversation room or relationship. [00:25:33] Speaker C: Yeah. And our answers were polar opposite. You brought in the newfound presence and feeling of clarity and strength and worth. And I, on the other end of the spectrum, am noticing, oh, shit, I really subconsciously bring in fear and doubt. There's a pretty clear message and information that I am getting and have gotten. And that fear and doubt only clogs the line. And so I am choosing to be all in on the flow. And that feeling of there's a reason that this is coming through, that this opportunity presents itself. [00:26:11] Speaker B: Yep. That's how we both have landed at the same. There's a reason in here. [00:26:15] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:15] Speaker B: There's a reason. [00:26:16] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:16] Speaker B: And lean into it. All right, today's quote is from one of our. At this point, she might be one of the most quoted. [00:26:22] Speaker C: She might be the most. She might. [00:26:24] Speaker B: She might be somebody do the tally for us. [00:26:26] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:27] Speaker B: But today's quote is from Brene Brown. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. [00:26:41] Speaker C: Show yourself, baby. You are the one you've been waiting for. [00:26:46] Speaker B: Explore, Karen. And I want to remind you, you are allowed to take up space. The truth is that taking up space isn't just about visibility. It is also about your capacity. Who are you when you're in the room? What are you carrying in the spaces that you're a part of? How are you showing up? [00:27:10] Speaker C: What can you release? What can you lean into? Yeah. [00:27:15] Speaker B: So, yes, until next time, explorer, stay with yourself a little longer than you normally would and trust the space you take up is already yours. [00:27:27] Speaker C: Yeah. That feeling of that reconnection, when it happens, even bit by bit, little spark by little spark, there is nothing like that feeling of coming home to yourself. [00:27:39] Speaker B: It's. [00:27:40] Speaker C: It is. It is really, to me, that is nirvana. That is heaven. That is the goal. That is the. That is the place we want to be. So, explorers, yeah, hang with that for a little while and just know that we love you, we see you, you are worth all of the movement, especially from yourself. And we'll see you next time. Take good care. [00:28:04] Speaker D: Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. Each week. We'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority, minority owned coffee shop in downtown Durham. Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.