Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoy today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So, Explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad you joined us.
Explorer, how are you doing today? And I don't mean the polite, right? I'm fine. Answer. No, I mean, how are you really? If nobody's asked you that this week, let this be your permission to unclench your jaw, roll your shoulders back, and actually feel your own body for a second. Breathe with us. You're here and that matters.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: Taking that moment to just check in with yourself. I love that you just did that for the Explorers, because it's really everything.
Just like getting back into your body, taking a breath, and feeling like, okay, I'm okay. I'm grounded. I'm here now what so good is Emotional Wellness Month?
[00:01:43] Speaker A: So all month, we're leaning into the real, necessary conversations about our emotional lives.
And today we're starting with emotional intelligence. But not the corporate boardroom kind of EI that gets tossed around in leadership training.
[00:01:59] Speaker B: Thank goodness.
[00:02:00] Speaker A: We're talking about what emotional intelligence actually looks like in real life. Navigating relationships, work, family, and the weight of other people's expectations.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: And being connected to your own emotional intelligence. Like, are you aware of how you are feeling in this moment? I mean, there are many moments where I'm like, I don't. I don't know how I feel, or I don't even stop to consider that I may be feeling something in my body.
[00:02:29] Speaker A: This isn't about perfect control. It's about that honest connection. Connection that Karen was just talking about, first with ourselves and then with the people around us. This is a phrase that is tossed around a lot. And I don't know if we fully dive into the meaning of it. And it is, you can't heal what you won't feel.
That's the heart of emotional intelligence.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: You can't heal what you won't feel. If you're so afraid of the feeling or what you think it means or what it says about you or your relationship or your condition, then, like, if you can't look at it, how can you. How can you fix anything? Or if I'm, like, looking straight ahead, but the screwdriver's behind me, and I'm like, well, I don't know. I can't really. I'm just gonna print. There's, like, holes in the wall.
Yeah. You gotta look at it. Sometimes it seems scary, but you gotta look at it.
[00:03:19] Speaker A: Most of us were raised to suppress instead of express.
[00:03:24] Speaker B: Yes, indeed.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: Be polite. Don't make a scene. Keep smiling.
And so what happens? Then we get really good at performing while we are quietly unraveling on the inside.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
We took a moment for that.
[00:03:44] Speaker A: Yeah. I used to tell myself I was just tired or stressed.
I was angry or grieving or hurt.
[00:03:54] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:03:55] Speaker A: The truth is, ignoring those emotions didn't make them go away. It just made them louder in other parts of my life.
[00:04:02] Speaker B: Right. And it also stresses out your body, too. Like, you're like, oh, why do I have that headache? And why are my shoulders. Because I'm pissed off and I cannot say it or tell anybody or work through it.
[00:04:14] Speaker A: Yes. The first step to building real emotional intelligence is simply saying, I feel sad, I feel anxious, I feel disappointed. This might be a good time to bring out your feelings wheel.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: Like, there are over a hundred nuanced feelings, even just getting to maybe the top 20 of the biggest categories. Right. Every psychotherapy office has one of these wheels. You look at anger, and then it breaks it down into frustration, rage, all the different aspects, those basic emotions. I include myself in this. There have been moments where I could not name the emotion. I could not say I feel even if someone asked me, how. How are you? How are you feeling? Are you angry? What's happening? I'm like, there's so many blockades up. Is this what anger feels like? Is this frustration? Is this grief? Is this sadness?
What is this thing? I'm feeling? All of the nuances. So just getting in touch with whatever's going on in your life and the feeling you have about it, give yourself a little time to explore.
Say it out loud. Just talk about your feelings to yourself. Well, I feel this thing in the pit of my stomach, and it feels like a rock. What color is it? Well, it's like.
It's pretty dark. It's pretty dark.
Yeah. No, it doesn't want to move.
Yep, that's anger. Yeah.
[00:05:44] Speaker A: Whatever it is.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: You know what I mean? Excuse me. Excavate it. Allow yourself to explore what feeling might be closest to on that little feeling wheel and print one out and start to feel what Those different emotions feel like in your body. So that when you get those physical cues, you get better and better at it. Right. It's like strengthening any muscle.
Oh, that's sadness. Oh, I feel hurt. I'm so disappointed.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: Yeah, and like you said, we're just identifying it, this point, so we're not judging it, we're not fixing it. We're not trying to explain it away. We are letting ourselves feel it, which is the doorway to healing it.
[00:06:24] Speaker B: And there's a big difference, I have learned in the last few years, between noticing it, feeling it, and just letting yourself feel it and not do the things. And that by do the things, I mean begin to try to explain it away or figure out why. Just like sitting with that feeling, just you and the feeling in your little body.
Hold hands, whatever you want to. Give it a face, give it a name, talk to it. Just be with that feeling. Process that feeling. Explore that feeling without fixing it or anything.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: So here's the thing. Emotional intelligence. We've identified it. We feel it. But this emotional intelligence, emotional why?
[00:07:10] Speaker B: I know.
[00:07:14] Speaker A: Doesn't mean that we don't get triggered. It means that we notice when we do, and then we choose how to respond.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Oh, yes, that is so. Well said, my sister Tara. Yes, we're not ever going to be above the triggers and the big feelings, but getting good at noticing it when it's happening, in the moment it's happening.
Do you know how hard I've worked to do that? To be like, wait, I can identify it within five minutes, you know? Now I can identify it within two minutes. It used to be days and weeks.
Why do I.
Oh, yeah. So like that alone.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: So let's go through a few examples of how we can own our triggers without shame. Take this example of the irritation when your partner forgets to follow through on something small.
On the surface, it looks like you're mad about the thing itself, but underneath, it's about feeling unsupported or unseen.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: Right.
Like, if they loved me, they would have done the thing.
I don't care that they didn't actually take the recycling out.
But I did ask and they did say, and now I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm. Yeah.
[00:08:39] Speaker A: Or maybe you're in traffic or standing in a long checkout line and you feel anger rising. The real issue isn't the red light or the slow cashier. It's the urgency you've been carrying, the lack of margin you've been giving yourself.
Oh.
[00:09:04] Speaker B: I felt that viscerally when you said it yes. Especially as a young parent. You have so many things to do and there's so much to take care of. These people cannot possibly know how urgent it is that I get out of this line right now to get to my next thing. Right. There's no sense of space.
That feeling of urgency is because your life is over packed and you're overstimulated.
It's not about the circumstance, but it is a great clue.
It is a great clue.
[00:09:37] Speaker A: I think I've talked about this previously. I know, Karen, in our personal conversations about Fred Rogers and that bit of takeaway about allowing and giving yourself the margin. Like, I know as a recovering calendar packer super doer, I'm like, I don't have to have this thing back to. Back to back. Yesterday I took it nap because I got the time. I took a nap. I was like, all right, good.
[00:10:01] Speaker B: I got.
[00:10:01] Speaker A: I'm going to do these things, but I also.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: You want to do that.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: I was like, I could keep napping, but going to the next thing. I have that space.
[00:10:09] Speaker B: Yes. To do. So intentionally creating space in your calendar.
[00:10:12] Speaker A: I haven't been to bar in forever and I knew I wanted to, like, have that space beforehand early. Like, hey, girl. Oh, my gosh. I've been talking about this all week. I'm so happy to be here.
[00:10:22] Speaker B: Right. And just allow and not be rushing at the last minute, laying out your mat or whatever you do at bar. Rushing is terrible.
[00:10:28] Speaker A: And I have been like, it feels great.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: And I've been like a late, late. Like, I've just been that for many years because that is just how my family rolled. It was so unorganized. And I think no one had executive functioning skill. I surely struggle with it still. Like today I woke up this morning and I was like, Tara's going to have to executive function for me because I just can't today. And yeah, so lateness was always a thing and I became aware that I don't like it, the feeling. And now I build extra time in if I have to be somewhere. Well, today is not a good example. I was late for the recording, but I did go back to bed this morning because I was just feeling like I needed it. It's interesting because my daughter, because her dad and I were always late to things, she is never late to anything and gets so angry if she is late to something. Like, she has taken it to the opposite Nth degree. I love you if you're listening. And maybe she can ease back a little bit, still build in the cushion, but also allow for grace and for life to happen.
Yeah, exactly.
[00:11:35] Speaker A: And then there's the example of shutting down in hard conversations.
Sorry.
[00:11:43] Speaker B: I'm sorry.
[00:11:43] Speaker A: Not sorry. This is.
Oh. Not because the other person is wrong, but because conflict used to feel unsafe.
[00:11:52] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: Remembers that. And it goes into protection mode.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: For all of you that can't see me right now. I'm already crying.
That's how deep that is.
Wow.
God.
So was so my mode of being.
Whoo.
Well, thanks for that, Tara. Appreciate that. Yeah, that felt good. Like I was connecting to that feeling. And just like I was really there in that moment when my eyes started watering before you even finished the sentence. Like it was that immediate. Wow.
[00:12:34] Speaker A: The surface trigger is rarely the full story.
Emotional intelligence is noticing the spark, the forgotten task, the traffic jam, the tense conversation, and being curious about the fire underneath. That's where our growth happens.
Psychologist and author Daniel Goldman, who literally wrote the book Emotional Intelligence, put it this way.
Emotional intelligence begins to develop when you can look at your feelings and say, what's going on, going on here? Owning your triggers isn't weakness. It's wisdom. It's saying, I know this sets me off and I'm choosing to handle it differently this time.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: I'm wondering why I'm not going to immediately go into the emotional reaction the way I usually do, to process it or avoid it, but I'm going to sit with it and wonder what is, as you were saying, under the surface? What's happening to cause this feeling? We do have control over our reactions and our responses. We take a breath and we decide and we choose also.
There are probably many triggers that we did not have control over. Looking at it, just to go back and heal it, to become aware of it. And the feeling like, oh, man, I do that because this happened when I was so little. I felt so out of control.
I mean, these things happen like they are just immediate responses, knee jerk responses. And once you start to dive into looking at the feeling and then also the trigger, that's when you can really start to pull together that healing, the healing journey.
I am feeling a lot. Thank you, Sarah. I'm feeling so many things.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Here's the reframe. Emotional intelligence isn't about staying calm, just to keep the peak.
It's about staying connected to yourself.
[00:14:25] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I can't. You guys.
[00:14:30] Speaker A: Most of us were conditioned to perform, to smile, to please, to fix, to smooth things over.
But real connection requires honesty.
Sometimes that honesty feels messy.
Sometimes it sounds like, I'm hurt right now.
Instead of pretending everything's fine.
[00:14:51] Speaker B: But that's what we do, right? That's what we do. We pretend. We mask. We show up and keep moving the ball forward, even when we feel like crawling into a fetal position.
Like, we just show up and do it instead of stopping and just allowing yourself that time and space to have and notice and feel that feeling.
Because someone's expecting something from you, right? I don't have time to stop and feel this feeling. Well, you don't have time to not stop and feel the feeling.
[00:15:23] Speaker A: In our opinion, what Karen said is the simple tool. So before reacting, pause and ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right now? This one question can shift everything from arguments with a partner to how you show up in the world. And when we practice this, we model something powerful for the people around us. Our kids, our teens, our communities.
It shows that strength doesn't come from suppression. It comes from connection.
[00:15:52] Speaker B: That connection word that you keep saying, I'm like. When you said that first phrase, I was like, oh. It's literally that is everything.
Connection with self enough to love and notice what's going on for self so that you can ascertain what stimulated that. What's happening in my life, who said what, who did what that caused that to come up.
That connection to self is. I mean, it's everything in terms of awareness, Right? That is the thing.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: Yeah. Researcher and storyteller Renee Brown, love her decades studying vulnerability and human connection and shame around feelings. Connection is why we're here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
Thanks, Bernee.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: Thanks, Bernee. Connection on every level. And yeah, and you have it already with your people that really know you and see you and love you. Like, even if you don't feel connected to what you're feeling in the moment, there are people around you who know and see it and can even help you.
Tara's done this for me. I've had other people do this for me. Like, saying, I see your face. What's going on for you right now? Or they'll see my body cues change, and they'll know that something's going on almost even before I do. Well, probably, yeah. Historically, a lot of times before I did. Right. And honing that skill so that that timeline lessens so you can actually.
If someone prompts you, you actually can stop and notice and name the feeling within a reasonable amount of time, which is beautiful.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: You know, everything we've been talking about today really comes back to letting yourself feel, to stop pushing emotions down and start letting them move through you.
So before we keep going, I want to give you a moment to pause and to let go. Music do what it does best. Touch the places words cannot. Today's song is Feel Away by her.
Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Since we're talking about connecting to your feelings. I just slow danced with myself.
This is a perfect song. I mean, that is a vibe I was holding. My inner child, the one who felt like she was constantly suppressing and being under the radar. I was just like, it's okay. I'm here. It was so comforting because I was feeling so many feelings as we were talking about all this, she just kept coming up like, well, I never got to do that. Well, you never let me do that. And I was like, who?
Wow.
So we just had a moment, she and I.
Oh, it was great.
Thanks, Tara.
That was a great song pick.
[00:18:57] Speaker A: Yes.
Let it be a reminder that our emotions aren't meant to be ignored. They're meant to be felt.
And let's get into our question of the day.
What emotion have you been avoiding lately and what might happen if you actually let yourself feel it?
Why is she shaking her head at me? It's not even at me. She like her head. My. My on her is. Yeah, it's giving. Girl, leave me alone for the rest of this episode.
[00:19:38] Speaker B: Jeez. I feel like I'm on a hot.
You go first, sister. I'm like, wow.
[00:19:48] Speaker A: Sadness. I've been avoiding the feeling. I've been avoiding feeling the grief of losing the people that I've lost this year. Like, three funeral, y'.
[00:19:59] Speaker B: All.
[00:19:59] Speaker A: Y' all gonna hear me talk about it, because my brain is just like.
[00:20:01] Speaker B: How is it not one, not two.
[00:20:03] Speaker A: Three funerals this year have pushed me to think more about legacy and impact and how our lives ripple out long after we're gone. I was driving the other day, and I thought about a text stream with one of the people who passed away. There was always so much joy and love and support that she gave me. That's how her legacy moves forward through me. If I let myself feel the sadness, I remember the words, ways that their lives shape mine. And that's how I heal. That's how I process. That's how I move through it. So, yeah, I've been avoiding it, like, in big, big moments. But when the memories of this person pop up, I lean into it, process. I feel it. I can't keep running from it.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: No. And that's the interesting thing about grief and losing somebody. Like the death of a Loved one, friend, etc, is that you want to live the legacy of how they impacted your life.
You're also really sad that they're not physically in your life anymore in the way that you've known them to be. And that hurts. That's hard. That's sad. Like, that is one of the saddest things ever. And I guess the juxtaposition, right. We talk all the time about how you can have more than one emotion happening at one time. And it's all valid, it's all related.
[00:21:27] Speaker A: All right, friends, there's some big emotions.
[00:21:29] Speaker B: Big feelings flowing through you.
Yeah, well, mine was sadness also, for so many reasons. I think part of it is related to my mom and her brain changes.
And it's complicated because there was such a unhealthy, codependent relationship there when I was younger, when my dad died. And so now I'm really struggling with how to show up and how to be there without with also taking care of myself, which is not necessarily related to the sadness. But I am having big feelings about the changes that are happening, and I feel a sadness for my child self. There was so much that happened and that felt layered onto me and felt like such a disconnect. I disconnected for so long.
I have grief about that. The wishing I had spoken up or woken up earlier, whatever. The thing is, I wouldn't be where I am right now if the time was any different. I love and appreciate that. And also I feel so sad for her because she just wanted to dance around and have fun and be seen and heard and just be joyful and ended up being really none of those things for a very long time.
Well, there's the Debbie Downer moment.
No, but it's real feelings, you know, like, I'm okay expressing it because I finally can feel it. And I know in five minutes I'm going to be better because I just went there and felt that, you know, I'm not going to carry this for days.
I'm just noticing and feeling that feeling in this moment. Like there's just a great sadness there.
[00:23:17] Speaker A: All right, explorers, we invite you to take a second with today's question of the day. It's an invitation to pause, notice, and lean into honesty with yourself. And that's really what emotional intelligence is about. Shining a light on what we'd rather keep hidden and choosing to meet it with curiosity instead of shame.
[00:23:38] Speaker B: I think that feeling we're talking about is deeper when you ask yourself, what am I feeling? And then you start getting like, well, I'm tired and this and that, keep going, keep digging what's beneath that. And then if you get to that feeling like just allowing yourself some grace and some time to just sit with.
[00:23:55] Speaker A: Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Yun. Put it this way, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
[00:24:09] Speaker B: Just hang up the phone. Just hang up the phone right now. Carl Jung we have so much, so many memories and impulses, triggers, feelings, things that are unconsciously directing our life stories and limiting beliefs and things that we took on that other people was their thing. And if we don't see start unpacking it, then we're just going to be literally on autopilot and never feeling connected to ourselves and to the dance that we want to dance.
[00:24:38] Speaker A: So that's the journey we're on together.
Not performing, not pretending, but learning to see ourselves clearly, feel deeply and choose differently. When we stop suppressing and start feeling, we reclaim authorship of our own story.
[00:24:55] Speaker B: That's me snapping.
[00:24:56] Speaker A: Amen Explorer. Thank you for pressing play today, for being part of this conversation and for daring to do this inner work.
If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend, leave a review or tag us on Instagram at your Odyssey life so we can keep this conversation going.
Next week. We're breaking up with Success Superwoman once and for all. You don't want to miss it. Until then, stay honest, stay connected and give yourself grace.
[00:25:27] Speaker B: Yes, explorers, allow yourself to fully feel the feelings that you've been running from so that they do not control your life and your story any longer. We love you so much. Thanks for being here. Take good care.
Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. Each week we'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.
