Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed health care professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
Welcome explorers. It's Tara. In today's episode, Karen and I are navigating the complex and often sensitive topic of mother wounds.
Whether it's feelings of inadequacy, the struggle for approval, or simply navigating the complexities of maternal love, these wounds can profoundly impact our journey towards self acceptance and emotional well being.
[00:01:17] Speaker B: Who in some ways I am glad I didn't know the full impact of my deficiencies or not as a new mother with my own child, even though I knew what had happened in my own childhood.
Wow.
[00:01:35] Speaker A: As you listen, we encourage you to reflect on your maternal relationships, what you've learned and how you've grown from those connections. We can turn our mother wounds into sources of strength and understanding, supporting each other on this journey of growth and self discovery. So grab your favorite drink, open your heart and let's begin the conversation.
[00:01:56] Speaker B: Yeah, it's important to look at this as an exploration of those formative years and the people who did their best, whether that's biological mother or aunties and grandmothers, people who cared and tried to help mold and shape and balance out the wackiness of whatever else was happening. I think it's important to enter this conversation with a whole lot of compassion, grace and forgiveness.
[00:02:29] Speaker A: This is another episode we've waited for.
I think this might have even actually been born in the early days of the podcast. So that's two calendar years ago now. Yes, and we have been looking forward to it. Karen and I definitely wanted to approach it thoughtfully and with care because it is such a big, big and sensitive topic.
[00:02:50] Speaker B: Yeah, it's complex, right?
[00:02:51] Speaker A: Oh my goodness.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: Multi layered complex. The connection with mother is.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: I feel like, like we'll do a different mother exploration at some point.
[00:03:00] Speaker B: Oh, for sure.
[00:03:02] Speaker A: So for this episode, we recently watched Oprah's the life you want class that explored the mother wound.
She had Brooke Shields and Dr. Anita Phillips. During our conversation on this episode, we'll probably pull in some of our reflections from watching that.
Last year I was privileged to see Dr. Anita speak on the mother wound and foster healing and awareness. During a conference, we'll touch on all of that for this episode. We wanted to really do this thoughtfully.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: Right. Because it is so multifaceted and really quite. What's the word I want? Volatile?
[00:03:43] Speaker A: Or like the word that they use? Fraught.
[00:03:45] Speaker B: It's fraught with many feelings and remembrances and memories and resentment or frustration or anger and compassion. And some people, maybe they had the ultimate fulfilling mother.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: They won the mom card.
[00:04:03] Speaker B: They won the right. Everything just hit and everything was good.
[00:04:08] Speaker A: So what are mother wounds? If you are unfamiliar with this term, to paraphrase Bethany Webster's definition, mother wounds refer to the emotional pain and trauma that we inherit from our relationships with our mothers, often reflecting struggles and unresolved issues passed down through generations of women.
[00:04:29] Speaker B: So this is not you just looking at your mother, the woman who birthed you, or your adopted mother.
It's looking at everything that they were passed down and further back for many generations, century or more and more, beginning to unravel that and have compassion and forgiveness for yourself and for them and for the ancestry.
[00:04:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:52] Speaker B: It's like no one comes in unscathed, I guess. Right. And we do the healing.
[00:04:57] Speaker A: Yes. I first heard the term mother wound a few years ago in a conversation with my aunt, which really opened my eyes to the significance of these wounds that we carry. We know now on this side of healing or in this phase of healing, that our mothers do the best they can, what they got. And after hearing the term, and also this definition expanded a little bit about how it's passed down through generations. I think of, like, my mother and my grandmother, and then knowing what little I do about my grandmother's relationship with her mother. And they gave the best of what they could, nothing more, nothing less. And then I think about especially my grandmother raising my mother, who was the youngest of the family. My grandmother also had like 40 some foster kids over the course of.
[00:05:47] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: So when you think of the impact of mothering that many people, mothering one.
[00:05:57] Speaker B: Human child is enough to just take it to the end. Right. There's so much that goes into it, emotionally and physically and mentally, spiritually, energetically, all of the things. There's so much like, I couldn't imagine doing that for 40 some kids, even intermittently, for sure. It is not really a reflection about the person that we're calling mother. It's really a reflection of the generational trauma, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. The unacceptable things that mothers have done for generations, things that have been put upon them is Their job, their responsibility.
And, like, there's. I don't know any superwoman. Actual superwoman. Right.
[00:06:40] Speaker A: So met her yet?
[00:06:43] Speaker B: I look to my. Like, even just looking back at. Just as close as my mother's mother, and I'm like, oh, my God. She had an alcoholic father who was a tyrant in their family.
And she was just, like, she was. Just had to follow the rules. She would have been physically beaten.
Oh, my God. Just. I can't even. Like, there's so many aspects of it. And, like, that's who raised my mother and eight other children. I'm already exhausted for her, like, even before she had any kids.
[00:07:12] Speaker A: Right.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: You know, oh, my goodness. And then it's expected, like, well, of course you're gonna have kids. And, you know, like, that's a sign of your worth, of your devotion to your religion. And there's just these hoops that women seemingly have had to jump through.
And then they get to us and we're like, wait a minute. And it's not okay for us. And we are refusing to accept that way of being.
And also we are subject to it.
[00:07:39] Speaker A: Yes. We're a product of that. So understanding these wounds allows us to confront our past or the past of the past, heal and foster more authentic connections with ourselves and with others. Like, part of that authenticity, that connection, is healing the past, the trauma, the pain that has been carried through the line. So it'll stop with you.
[00:08:00] Speaker B: Exactly. Right. And I had actually never heard this term before you brought it up and said, we're. This is the episode we're going to do. And, you know, it's not even. I mean, it. There is something about the mother. Right. But it's kind of just about getting needs met or not, ultimately. And I don't know, in some ways, like, we're putting it on the mother, but really, it's the whole system. Fathers are involved in it, too.
[00:08:22] Speaker A: They are father wounds as well.
[00:08:24] Speaker B: Exactly. But the whole point is to. And we're going to talk about this more in detail, but going back into your own experience and going back and rescuing and loving and holding and creating safety for that little child, and that's our job, is to go back and do that so that we can bring her upright.
[00:08:45] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely.
And Karen said this a little bit earlier, but I also want to remind explorers that mother wounds aren't limited to biological mothers, but include anyone who's had a maternal role in your life.
[00:09:02] Speaker B: Right. Because you mentioned you had several aunties.
[00:09:05] Speaker A: And teachers and these people that poured into me.
[00:09:09] Speaker B: Absolutely. Right.
[00:09:11] Speaker A: Okay.
So here we are. We're gonna dig into the emotional impact a little bit.
A little bit. Because we've been digging, we've excavated a lot.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: Museum of artifacts.
[00:09:24] Speaker A: The experience of mother wounds profoundly impacts our psychological and emotional states.
These wounds play a significant role in shaping our self esteem, personal identity and our relationships. I know some people may be thinking, like, well, how can something that happened when I was a child impact my life as an adult baby? It does.
[00:09:46] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: Every day. Okay.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: How can it not? Is how I want to counter that conversation.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: Yeah. Many of us find that the echoes of our unresolved mama drama manifests and feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness which strains our sense of self. Like, if you feel inadequate or unworthy of love.
[00:10:10] Speaker B: Right.
[00:10:11] Speaker A: That first love relationship.
[00:10:13] Speaker B: First love. That primaries primal survival. Like. Like I am counting on you.
Like to keep me alive in all the ways. Yeah.
[00:10:24] Speaker A: Counting on you.
[00:10:24] Speaker B: And if you're not getting something from that, that's gonna. It's gonna leave a mark.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: Yes. And what does that mark look like? Common emotions tied to our mother wounds include shame, guilt, sadness and anger. Shame surfaces as the belief that we're not good enough or we're unworthy of love and acceptance.
[00:10:45] Speaker B: That is right out of the gate. That's pre talking, baby. Right? You soak that stuff up early.
[00:10:51] Speaker A: Soaking it up. I've said before, my daughters, I birthed both of them, but they grew up in very different wombs.
I was two very different people.
[00:11:00] Speaker B: I feel the same way about mine.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: Guilt may arise from the internalized messages that suggest that our needs are selfish or that any pursuit of happiness is a betrayal to our mothers because they were so unhappy.
[00:11:15] Speaker B: Like in their mothers and their mothers. It's almost like there's a gold star for that martyr mother.
[00:11:22] Speaker A: Martyrdom, Mother martyrdom.
[00:11:23] Speaker B: Yeah. And like, how much can you sacrifice of yourself? Well, then that equals good mother.
When it couldn't be more the opposite. How much can you fill your cup, take care of yourself so that you are pouring into people a very positive way.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: Sadness often blankets our experiences as we long for the nurturing and emotional support that we may not have received as children.
[00:11:47] Speaker B: Deep sadness.
[00:11:49] Speaker A: That longing.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. That feeling of longing. I know. We're going to talk about it.
[00:11:54] Speaker A: You can talk about it now.
[00:11:55] Speaker B: That's. That's where we go in and we.
Boy, this is where visualization and meditation is so helpful. We go back and we find that child in whatever age where. Oh, yeah, that's where I started feeling disconnected. That's where I felt Unloved or. That's where no one paid attention to me. You really like viscerally, you're in the room with that little child and you're talking to them so reassuringly and so lovingly and with such support and kindness. And you hugging them and you're telling them, I will not leave you. I will not disappoint you. I am here for you. I'm always going to be here for you. It's that kind of diving in that ultimately heals that wound. The external people involved in our lives are not physically anymore. Can't do that work.
That's our work to do.
[00:12:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
And then there's anger.
Anger also emerges, either directed inward or outward or. And outward.
[00:13:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: As frustrations about our unmet emotional needs boil to the surface.
I've seen this play out countless times.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: I have too. In your family, in your.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: I can think of some really very immediate visceral.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: Big examples.
[00:13:19] Speaker B: Big examples of this. Yeah.
[00:13:22] Speaker A: Acknowledging our emotions is the first step in the journey towards healing.
Recognizing and validating these feelings allows us to understand the impact on our daily life and our relationships.
By bringing these emotions into the light, we can begin to unpack their origins and start to heal.
[00:13:41] Speaker B: We don't have to stay there. We don't have to hold on to it. We're stuck in those emotions or those patterns and we can free ourselves, we can liberate ourselves from that. It requires looking inward, stillness and awareness and noticing and doing the things right.
[00:13:55] Speaker A: Then by doing those things, we can redefine our identity in a more positive and nurturing light.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Right. Because honestly, in the beginning, when we come into this world, we are light. We are light in the purest, most beautiful, innocent sense. We are like a blank slate. We are just pure light. We didn't ask to take on X, Y and Z from generational trauma. We didn't ask to be the sixth kid out of six where there's just no time. We didn't ask for those things yet. Those are the realities and the circumstances. And you know, what are you going to do about it?
[00:14:32] Speaker A: What are you going to do about it? All right, so we can go deeper now into these pathways.
Pathways to healing. In our journey towards healing, one of the most profound steps we can take is engaging in inner child work and reparenting techniques.
Dr. Anita emphasizes, @ a certain point, the little girl or little boy that is wounded by our moms becomes accessible only to us.
[00:15:00] Speaker B: Oh, Dr. Anita.
[00:15:03] Speaker A: At a certain point, she or he is your responsibility.
[00:15:07] Speaker B: That hit me so hard. I Was like, oh, my God, it's so true.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:12] Speaker B: Like she was saying, no amount of I'm sorry from that person is gonna touch it because that little child is your respons.
[00:15:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
Yes.
[00:15:22] Speaker B: Take a moment with that.
[00:15:24] Speaker A: This highlights the importance of acknowledging and nurturing our inner child.
Those parts of us that are still seeking love, connection, value, safety, affirmation.
[00:15:38] Speaker B: I hear that term thrown around in a disrespectful way now. Right. People are like, oh, your inner child.
[00:15:43] Speaker A: Like, your inner child is showing.
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Exactly. You're missing the mark on that. I don't love that. It has become, you know, a phrase to say that doesn't really connect to.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: What I think terms are like that now, like inner child, gaslighting triggered trauma bond. Like that.
[00:16:00] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: We not using them. Right. I need us to get it together like that. That does not. But I don't think that word means what you think it means. But what I'm hearing you say is there is such a sacredness and a beauty and a value to properly addressing our inner child.
[00:16:15] Speaker B: Right, Exactly. To holding that inner child. To connect with your inner child and give him or her what she or he needed in those moments or needs in those moments. Even now, if we think about it as time being relative or not even existing, then that inner child exists, needs you to go and give it some hugs and talk to it real nicely.
[00:16:36] Speaker A: Right. Because if you don't talk to her, deal with her, she or he may pop up. And you'd be like, you know what?
That was the wounded one. In this master class that we took, Oprah reminded us that you can never, as an adult get from your mother what you needed to receive as a child.
Like, I paused the video and, like, made sure I click clack to type this exactly like she said it. Because, like, you said, like, we'll get the apology or we'll give the apology. And it's like, well, I said I'm sorry.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: And that feels valid and important and weighty to them.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:09] Speaker B: And feels. Thank you.
[00:17:11] Speaker A: Okay. Of course, my little rebel brain just went to the extreme. Well, we're never apologizing then. That was a tantrum. That was me acting out. That was.
Well, if it don't matter, why am I doing it?
[00:17:21] Speaker B: That's hilarious.
[00:17:23] Speaker A: What just happened for me in this moment, even though we've talked about this already?
[00:17:26] Speaker B: Oh, my God. You're like, wait a minute. That didn't seem right. I'm like, well, then I'm not gonna do it if it's not gonna help. I'm not gonna do it.
[00:17:32] Speaker A: Just kidding. Still do it.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: You did. I saw your 5 year old self do that.
[00:17:36] Speaker A: Wow. I gotta say I'm sorry.
[00:17:38] Speaker B: Oh, you made that face. That.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:17:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:43] Speaker A: But this realization that we as an adult can never get from my mother what we needed to receive as a child is pivotal because it encourages us to shift our focus from longing for what we miss to proactively providing that love and care for ourselves.
[00:18:00] Speaker B: And that is the key, my friends, right there.
[00:18:03] Speaker A: This.
[00:18:03] Speaker B: None of it can come from outside of you. So anything that happened, I'm not excusing behaviors and things that happen to you. I'm not excusing abuse. I'm not excusing any of it. But that child and that experience is your responsibility now.
Full stop. Full stop. Your responsibility. Yeah, you can walk around blaming people and talking crap about what happened to you, or you can fix it for yourself. You can choose to heal.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: Choosing to heal.
When we choose to heal, we.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Oh, I got a little heated right there. I was like, I'm not yelling at everybody explorers. I'm just, I feel very passionately about.
[00:18:46] Speaker A: Them that when we choose to heal, we practice compassion not only for ourselves, but those relationships with our mothers. And understanding their struggles, the trauma and the things that they've carried through their lives fosters empathy and forgiveness. When you think about your mother as a person and not this superhero or the image or the idea, which is fake, by the way, that's not real. It's not a perfect mom. Who did?
[00:19:16] Speaker B: Nope, don't know her.
[00:19:17] Speaker A: Mary Magdalene. Who? That was the prostitute. Jesus's mama.
[00:19:20] Speaker B: The other Mary.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: The other Mary, like who? Who? Are we still in all? No, she wasn't all. And they were still talking about her and she was Jesus mama like, Right. Get it together. Okay.
[00:19:30] Speaker B: It's so true. There's this ideal, this fantasy, that figure.
First of all, it's not realistic, it's not real. And second of all, they've also been hurt, they've also been neglected. They've also not had needs met. Like, it's not a dig or directed painfully at you because of you. There's so many reasons, there's so many details that go into it.
[00:19:56] Speaker A: Oh, the article that I read about another pathway to healing is switching from.
Switching from a noun to a verb. So transforming mother into to mother.
And in that we separate ourselves from the ideal image, the fake perfect moms. And then we actively mother ourselves.
So we fulfill those needs that may not have been met when we were a child and create the environment and Become the mother that we need now and that we needed then.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: The mother in action. Right. It's not about one person. It's about the action of mothering, which anyone can do for themselves at any moment with the awareness and the tools. Yes, absolutely. It's an active process.
[00:20:45] Speaker A: Mothering is an active process.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:49] Speaker A: And this mother wound healing process, connecting with others who have faced similar challenges or. Or not. Karen and I did not have similar challenges, but we still built an awareness about what we did, receive an appreciation for what our mothers were able to give us.
And, like, that builds some of the nurturing that young Tara and young Karen needed. And be like, okay, you might have been alone then, but you're not alone now. And also you're responsible.
[00:21:20] Speaker B: Like, I see how that affected you or the desire or whatever.
And I also acknowledge and honor that it's now on you or me. And just supporting each other through that. With that.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: Yeah. And then even in the act of mothering our children ourselves, like, when you hear the stories of things that other mothers have gone through with their toddlers, teenagers, or whatever, and you're like, oh, yeah, okay, okay, solidarity. Let's go, mamas.
[00:21:50] Speaker B: There's nothing that thrills me more when women are in conversation and talk the truth about how complicated and taxing mothering is. Right.
[00:22:00] Speaker A: And I think for me, especially for one of my best friends, even before she welcomed her first child, I gave her the nitty gritty of that whole process. I'm like, they not gonna tell you this, but your mucus plug gonna fall out and it's gonna be nasty.
My mama didn't tell me. I know your mama didn't tell you. And also, this is disgusting, but having those very real conversations and those women in my life growing up that give you the real talk about your body changes or navigating relationships, the mothering that comes as we navigate perimenopause and all of the. When I talk with my girlfriends now, this is real life. And in sharing community with each other, we are continuing to heal and nudge and encourage each other on our journeys.
[00:22:46] Speaker B: In some ways, we fill some of that mothering aspect for each other. Even though we know the responsibility is down to us to go rescue and love that inner child, there are aspects of it that we can do and give to each other.
[00:22:58] Speaker A: And also remember, community is actually how we were created. Is that so part of your healing?
[00:23:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:05] Speaker A: What is the quote that we had? Healing is yours alone, but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone.
[00:23:11] Speaker B: You don't Just do it alone. I love that.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:13] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:23:15] Speaker A: All right, y' all. We went on a whole journey trying to find a song for this episode.
[00:23:20] Speaker B: You should have seen it.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: You actually should not have. Y' all would have tuned out, because it was. We.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: It was like, a solid 12 songs, none of them.
[00:23:28] Speaker A: So I was distraught because I was like, we're not gonna have a song for this episode. And it's a Mother wounds episode, and we are mothers. How are we not having a song for this episode?
All of that to say. We settled on a very moving song from a mother to her child, which is kind of a foreshadowing of the quote for this episode. And this episode's song is I hope you dance by Leanne Womack.
[00:23:55] Speaker B: And what I love about it is it's looking forward in such a positive way.
[00:24:03] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO podcast playlist on Spotify.
I hope everyone is encouraged by embracing life and the possibilities of choosing to dance when we have the option of sitting it out.
There is a magical knowing when we choose that path of least resistance. I'm like, yes, rebel. If everybody's going that way or saying, you should do this or be that.
[00:24:40] Speaker B: I want to look in the other direction. Yeah.
[00:24:43] Speaker A: Do what's true for you.
[00:24:45] Speaker B: Yeah. There's such liberation in that.
Just knowing we have choice and listening to what our heart really is telling us or really wants and taking risks and making mistakes, because that is what life is here for. To learn and grow, change and evolve. If you're just sitting in the corner, not dancing, not taking risks, and not connecting, I don't know. It just feels so.
[00:25:16] Speaker A: To all the children, everyone. Everyone is someone's child. We really do hope that you dance, that you never lose your sense of wonder.
Stay open, stay loving.
I feel like I'm about to wrap the episode up, but I can't because we gotta do the qltd, so I'm. Stop.
[00:25:35] Speaker B: I know, I know. And there's that idea, too, of in the song about when one door closes, one door opens. Just trusting that if something is not meant for you or it's not serving you any longer, it's not helping you grow. It's not helping you expand into all of who you are.
Then just trust that, right? Trust that process.
Also, when that pause, that pregnant pause where, like, where it drops and then it's dance on. On that one, I'm like, oh, my God, it was so celebratory. I swear to God, I wanted to grab you and just be like, twirling around like, oh, my God, we're dancing.
[00:26:09] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: Celebrate the joy of this discovery in this healing journey.
[00:26:15] Speaker A: Okay, so now it is time for the qotd, the lovely of the the day.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: This is where I take a moment.
[00:26:24] Speaker A: And go, she reevaluates our friendship a lot.
[00:26:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
Because we don't discuss it ahead of time. So I'm always a little bit like.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: All right, let's have it. What is one lesson you've learned from your relationship with your mother and how has it shaped you?
[00:26:43] Speaker B: Oh, you are a terrible, terrible, terrible person to ask me this on the fly.
Wow. No, I'm kidding. I love you so much. Of course, anytime that you push me to think about something, it's a different way. Uncomfortable. Or think about a different way. I'm like, okay, okay, okay, Tara.
And there also. I'm going to defer and let you answer that first.
[00:27:08] Speaker A: This is born out of our conversations as we reflected on the mother cards that we were dealt. And it invited me to frame my childhood experience through the lens of healing, to pull out the positive lessons that I've learned. I know one of the things that was said in the episode is, like, we spend our lives either running from or to our mother. So I wanted to lean into the to part of that. For what I got and what I learned from my mother is independence.
And as a single mom, it really changed the capacity of what a woman on her own, in her power, whatever that looked like, however fractured or broken, what we were capable of.
So when it became my turn to lean into motherhood, I'm like, I can do this.
I can do this because they got me as a mama. And I'm going to take all of those lessons and finesse it into something that I hope my children and all of the other people that I mother sees as an uncanny and natural.
Even though that seems like it wouldn't go together. Ability to be self sufficient and to carve your own path in life.
So really the only word I wrote down was independence. I didn't know how this was gonna.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: Go, but, I mean, you brought me to tears. Just you having that reframe and having the ability to.
We've talked about it so much, our relationships with our mothers, to have the ability to say what you just said and reframe it as an honor. Resilient and independent. And there's always silver linings. I'm a firm believer in that. So beautiful.
[00:29:01] Speaker A: That is definitely the biggest lesson you can't tell me. I can't do anything. And a big Part of that is because of my mother.
[00:29:10] Speaker B: I'm gonna need a minute.
[00:29:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
Because Karen knows parts of the story that she's like. Oh. And even thinking through, like, how we. How impactful the mental health episode was, like, how that felt, how that was still.
[00:29:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:31] Speaker A: But I'm like, oh, but wait. There is so much that has been offered to me, so many gifts that I'm just now starting to reshape, and that's just where I am on this healing journey right now.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: You can either be glad or sad that you deferred to me.
[00:29:50] Speaker B: Well, I'm glad in that. Yeah. I'm glad in that it was just such a beautiful, thoughtful response and moved me to tears because I. I mean, emotion. This beautiful thing.
Yeah. I'm just. I. I'm a bit blown away because, like, I'm thinking in my own experience, we did not experience the same sort of neglect in either of our cases.
I don't think our mothers willfully and decidedly didn't wake up.
[00:30:18] Speaker A: Like, you know, let them.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: I'm not taking care of you. We're just going. You take. Right.
It's not that. It's. I want to say, probably the biggest thing that I've learned in this season of my life, and I've been through many iterations of relationship with my mother and connection and disconnection, and I would say the word that keeps coming up for me is compassion.
[00:30:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:50] Speaker B: Like, maybe understanding a little bit more about what's important to her and who she is at the core helps me to see that she really did do the best she could.
And she's got a very generous, loving, kind heart. And if I could even be half of that in terms of generosity, compassion, and kindness, then I'm doing something right. Because she really.
The foundation of her life was to. Was to give of herself, especially as a teacher with the kids she worked with. She really cared and gave of herself the ability to have great compassion and grace and love for others. Not just my mother, but for people I encounter because we never really know where we came from. Also, the inspiration to serve others.
[00:31:42] Speaker A: My goodness.
I'm gonna keep quoting Dr. Anita because she's brilliant.
[00:31:46] Speaker B: You have to read her.
[00:31:47] Speaker A: She. She's brilliant. Just.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: She's brilliant.
[00:31:49] Speaker A: Google it. Like, just find her on the places, follow her, and be inspired. What she was saying. If you had an alcoholic mother, then you serve in a rehab facility. If you had a mother who battled mental illness or homelessness and you volunteer at a shelter, you become a counselor. Serving serves your healing. Serving is how you move forward in your healing, it's not by avoidance. It's by leaning in and giving.
[00:32:14] Speaker B: And I was like, yes, I see how she served. It was borderline codependent, enabling and people pleasing. But at the root, the core right of her, you know, of her heart was wanting to serve and wanting to help others, whereas I may have looked at that as a weakness. I'm like, oh, my God, that is me. That is what I feel so passionate about and love doing. And it's when I feel most whole and lit up.
[00:32:39] Speaker A: It's a direct trait that we've received.
[00:32:42] Speaker B: It's just so interesting because for so long, I would have done anything to be. Not anything like, because I didn't want to live that life of whatever I perceived it to be.
[00:32:52] Speaker A: And I think there is a point in our healing process where we do lean into the full humanity. Our mothers are not perfect, but we understand what they gave us, and there's a perspective that we can now, on this side, give to those experiences and realize is that even in the pain, even in the trauma, they gave us gifts.
[00:33:15] Speaker B: People show up for us in the way that we need to learn and grow from them. If that was some element of lack or less than in your perception, the hope is that it's going to pivot into, oh, thank goodness that was the lack. Because I developed this because give and.
[00:33:35] Speaker A: Serve and show up in this way because of that experience.
[00:33:38] Speaker B: Yes. Like, I don't think any of it's a mistake, you know, never, Never that.
[00:33:44] Speaker A: Okay.
Been amazing.
[00:33:46] Speaker B: We took different turns than I thought it was gonna be.
[00:33:49] Speaker A: Based on the initial reflection, this could have gone completely different way.
So this quote is from the wonderful Dr. Anita Phillips. It beautifully reminds us that healing is a process.
Dr. Anita said, Generation after generation, we often try to heal it backwards first, heal forward first.
Start with yourself, because that's what you.
[00:34:17] Speaker B: Want to pass along to your children.
That's what you want to pay forward.
[00:34:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:34:24] Speaker B: That's what you want to move forward.
[00:34:25] Speaker A: The healing, the love each of us holds, the power to nurture our inner child and redefine what it means to mother ourselves.
We can offer ourselves acceptance and empowerment.
Our healing also lies in the gifts that we've received from our mothers.
[00:34:45] Speaker B: That was like, the most amazing sentence. That was such a beautiful capture of everything we just said.
[00:34:52] Speaker A: Wow. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us today, Explorers. We appreciate your willingness to engage in such an important conversation about the relationships with our mothers. If you found value in today's episode, please share it with others who may benefit from this discussion.
Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. Keep seeking the joy within you and keep dancing anyway.
[00:35:19] Speaker B: Absolutely. Keep mothering that beautiful little baby, that beautiful little child inside.
And just know that you're not alone. We're all doing it and we're all in this together. Take good care.
Thank you to Queenies in Downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly each week.
We'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in Downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.
Sam.
