Can I Love You and Still Need Space?

[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth. Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way. Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists. If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions. So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode. Hey, [00:00:53] Speaker B: explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad that you pressed play today. Really glad you pressed play today. Really glad. Have you ever loved somebody with your whole heart and still looked at your ringing phone like, not today, beloved. Not today. I don't know about you, but I have definitely had that feeling. And in today's episode, Karen and I are exploring that beautiful, wonderfully complicated intersection between love, connection, solitude, capacity, and boundaries. Yeah, all of that. [00:01:27] Speaker C: Right in the middle of [00:01:28] Speaker B: it. Right. Right in the middle of all that. So to kick us off, I'm thinking about the difference between loving someone and having the capacity to meet their expectations in every single moment that they need you. [00:01:44] Speaker C: Well, I mean. I [00:01:46] Speaker B: mean, but we try so hard. [00:01:49] Speaker C: But we try. We think we can. We fantasize that we can. But, like, at the end of the day. [00:01:55] Speaker B: Right, exactly. And then there's also like. Like, we try so hard, and then sometimes we love them and what we need, like, they don't necessarily understand it. Like, what we need is like, yeah, I love you with everything within me, but I need something a little bit different. I need this to shift or I need this to work a little bit better for me so I can continue to love you. [00:02:16] Speaker C: And that accessibility piece. That one. Right. Because, you know, basically, the chips that we carry around our head, the computers in our pockets, make us extremely accessible if we're not careful. So. Right. You have to guard your piece. We talk about that a lot about, you know, being able to be with people, and when you're with people, be there wholeheartedly and in full, you know, full power, full, full energy. And that is not possible 247 unless you [00:02:48] Speaker B: take [00:02:48] Speaker C: some time for you to be a manager. Used to say [00:02:51] Speaker B: that word, accessible. And every time I'm like, I don't know which word you're saying. Accessible instead of accessible. I still remember that. [00:03:00] Speaker C: Hilarious. I was. At first, I was like, well, what is this? I was like, oh, to be assessed. Able to be assessed. I see. Yeah. In the workplace, that actually. Valid word, I guess. [00:03:09] Speaker B: But that's not the word. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Don't assess me anyway anywhere. [00:03:13] Speaker B: I love that you brought up accessible. Before we get too deep into talking about creating space and the boundaries that we need in our relationships, we should probably talk about the expectations that we have either intentionally or unintentionally attached to love. Like this weird and not serving unspoken rule that equates love with availability, agreement, sacrifice. [00:03:44] Speaker C: Yeah. And that, let me tell you, those rules come early. Those rules you agree to at 6 months old. Yes. When I do this, they love me. [00:03:55] Speaker B: And now there's this rule that I didn't even know I agreed to. There are so many expectations, rules, whichever word you want to use for that are attached to what it means to be good and loving in our relationships. Like to be a good partner, to be a good parent, to be a good, I don't know, be a good. Anything. Like. [00:04:17] Speaker C: Yeah, [00:04:19] Speaker B: in [00:04:19] Speaker C: relationships [00:04:20] Speaker B: we have to always show up and always be available. We always have to have the capacity to show up because if we don't do that, that lessens the amount of love that we have for that person. And I know for a lot of us, that looks like when we can't show up or when we don't show up, the guilt that comes along with not doing that for the people we love. [00:04:43] Speaker C: I think it's so interesting how, because we have, you know, we all have many relationships and many facets of your life, you cannot possibly be there for all of them. And of course, there's different degrees of relationship, there's different degrees of commitment and sort of unspoken rules that are agreed to. At the end of the day, are you getting what you need to feed yourself and your soul so that you can show up in the optimal ways for the various people in your life. And I ask myself that a good bit. As someone who is a former slash recovering lone wolf. You know, the relationships that I have are very important to me and time with me is still important to me. So that balancing act, right, Finding that sweet spot, acknowledging letting people that are really important to know how much you love them and also letting them see and know who you are in terms of [00:05:44] Speaker B: availability, [00:05:46] Speaker C: accessibility. [00:05:47] Speaker B: Recently, one of my assignments for class was to revisit the mbti. So Myers Briggs. So I went back to our whatever number episode that was because I was like, I know what I am. Because both of us have that introversion characteristic. And I thought of how timely that this assignment would be due now right before Karen and I talk about capacity and boundaries and still loving people. And there was a line that I read in it about you still love people, but you love your time away from people. Like, they're both equally important to you. And it's like you don't get your energy from other people. And I was like, yes, I remember this, I remember this. And like you said earlier, when I'm with my people, I'm going to show up, I'm going to be all in. I'm going to be all me. Which is why in that episode, it was like, you're like, wait, you're an I? Yes, yes. But you're on the inner circle, so it looks a little bit different to you. [00:06:38] Speaker C: Yeah, [00:06:38] Speaker B: yeah, [00:06:39] Speaker C: yeah. And I remember, you know, I would say five, eight years ago, I would never in a million years have said, you. [00:06:46] Speaker B: You're hosting the parties or something. I was [00:06:49] Speaker C: like, oh, she's hosts all the parties. She. You should see what she does at home. Like. And she's just always like, she's got such a network and she's always like this person, that person had lunch to coffee, but. And I'm like, wow. And so when that came out, I was dumbfounded, quite honestly. [00:07:03] Speaker B: I just met a friend yesterday, coffee date. So [00:07:06] Speaker C: surprised. But now [00:07:09] Speaker B: I will go into. Yeah, I was like, where is she? Feeling [00:07:13] Speaker C: of the. Well, [00:07:13] Speaker B: she's in. She's hibernating right now [00:07:15] Speaker C: into the King, [00:07:16] Speaker B: like. But in thinking about how I choose to show up in my relationships, first by feeling myself, I wonder, Karen, what you think? Like, why is it so much easier for us to disappoint ourselves, AKA do something that we know we don't have the capacity for just because we love somebody? Why is it so much easier for us to disappoint ourselves than those we love? [00:07:37] Speaker C: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is habit. I think we just get in the habit of being there for people, of finding some of our internal validation and our sense of worth by being there for people. And that is a hard habit to break. That is a hard habit to break. And the awareness, you know, that comes, whether it's because you are full on burned out or you've become ill with something because your immune system is just tapped, you know, it sort of brings that to the forefront. I think that we received that messaging so early that this, you know, if you love me or this is what we do for love, or this is how we operate in the world. We give everything. Like that is on my mother's line. Like, that goes back all of the generations. So, like, I've got this ancestral DNA happening. And then like, this obligation that society puts on me to just put everything aside and put everyone else first. [00:08:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:39] Speaker C: It starts early and it's a habit. And I think becoming aware is how you break the habit and you replace it. And [00:08:45] Speaker B: it's like sometimes. Sometimes it's a habit. Like when you. What [00:08:48] Speaker C: about you? Yeah, [00:08:49] Speaker B: that's what we've always done. And that's what you've always done because that's what you've seen modeled for you. Or maybe that's not what you've seen model. Then you overcompensate. But that's not what I'm talking about right now. But, like. [00:09:00] Speaker C: Right, [00:09:00] Speaker B: exactly. The habit. And you are just so used to doing it this way. You've never checked in with yourself first to see, like, hey, wait a minute, do I have the capacity for this? Is this what I even need to be doing right now? Do [00:09:15] Speaker C: I even want to do this? [00:09:17] Speaker B: Not just for [00:09:18] Speaker C: anybody, not much less [00:09:20] Speaker B: one specific person. Know yourself a little bit better. Ask yourself those questions. Check in with your. Your brain and your body to see, hey, why am I doing these? We've said, I don't know how many times in our episodes. I get curious about why you do the things you do. But it's more than habit, I think, for some of us, because it's so easy to give. I'm thinking right now specifically about motherhood and how I just had a conversation Monday night with a few new mothers and how they seemed to be. I remember this feeling very well, like, all in on the baby and nothing for themselves and not knowing how to separate in the stages of development. Others can't separate themselves from their parents yet. But I think it also goes the other way, especially if no one has modeled and told you, like, hey, the best way you can serve your child is to pour into yourself first. Because otherwise we're completing, completing and repeating the ancestral cycle of giving, giving, giving, giving without checking in with yourself. Or so like, that was the message. We're like, hey, you love your. You love them. You do. We. That is never a question. And you can love them well by loving yourself well. [00:10:38] Speaker C: Right. You don't have to disappear yourself to make them be. You know what I mean? You don't have to. You [00:10:44] Speaker B: can [00:10:44] Speaker C: still maintain your you ness. But I do think, I think it is we. We often so many people deep down have that sense of not being good enough, not being worthy, not deserving. Right. And I think we internalize it so deeply that we choose, you know, being demonstrative out in the world about this is, this is my value, this is what I offer. I can be here for you all the time. And that feels good initially, like it's definitely stimulates the brain and the feel good hormones to be like, I'm needed, I'm valued. Woohoo, look at me. But doesn't. It's not sustainable and it's not sustainable. You cannot, you cannot, you cannot. [00:11:32] Speaker B: Believe me, [00:11:33] Speaker C: believe me, you cannot. Your body will let you know. [00:11:36] Speaker B: Our relationships absolutely like our relationships. Our relationships involve responsibility and reliability and mutual care. But I don't think the goal in creating healthy, sustainable, nourishing relationships means that we have to eliminate expectations, but know the difference between like reasonable commitments and then assumptions about unlimited access. So I'm curious, Karen, have you ever had expectations on yourself or a relationship that then became these quiet obligations that the other person never agreed to? [00:12:18] Speaker C: Yeah, all the time. Especially as you highlight the relationship with one's children. That's a real deep one. Because if you're not aware that you're not taking care of yourself in the constant giving, it's gonna crash and burn for sure. And I say this all the time, I'm sure I've said it on the podcast so many times, that the relationship with ourselves, like my relationship to myself, is the utmost importance. And I say that in terms of self care and self awareness because we can't give what we don't have. You know, we have to have a good relationship with ourselves. And that's including all of the out loud and internal dialogue, the self talk that we do. Talk to yourself. How you would talk to someone you love so dearly. Be your own beloved. Just be kind and loving and caring to yourself. Do the things that you want. If I feel like I want to go for a walk and see some flowers, do it. Don't deprive yourself those things. Be there for yourself, nurture yourself. Because it's just going to go such a long way, right? [00:13:22] Speaker B: Keeping with motherhood and how our children's expectations of access to us. Like I, I was a young mother, so I'm like, baby, I'm still growing up, so I don't even know what I'm supposed to be giving you because I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I actually need. And as the kids got older, like letting them sit with the disappointment of like, mom is not doing the thing that I want her to do or maybe even need her to do. Like I definitely, I know I get that from a mom because like one of the things that used to get on my nerves as a child is like when I would ask her how to spell a word and she would make me like, go look it up in the dictionary. And I'd be like, girl, I don't know how to spell it. What are we doing? [00:14:02] Speaker C: But like, that, [00:14:04] Speaker B: that gave me some level of she's not always going to give me, think I need or it's really just a want. And how it can coexist, like her or me not giving my kids. Whatever it is doesn't change our relationship. You can live in this love and disappointment and that doesn't mean that's the end of our relationship. And I think that goes beyond motherhood. Like with my husband, with my friends, I'm like, I love you and I can disappoint you, you can disappoint me, but our relationship is still solid. [00:14:35] Speaker C: I had a thought that came in when you were talking about that. Like the idea of the access with the children, like when your mother was doing that, honestly, what's beautiful about that is she was saying, I believe in you. I believe you can figure it out. I believe you're smart enough. I believe you're independent and resilient and you have the ability. I believe in your ability. And I've been doing that more and more with my children, especially with my eldest, but my youngest, I'm starting to that it's important [00:15:04] Speaker B: for me. It's like, for [00:15:05] Speaker C: me to be doing [00:15:06] Speaker B: that. Try first, like, just go and then go to the general area. If we're keeping with the dictionary experience for myself, like, try first and then come to me. Because like you said, the message is, you are capable. You can actually figure this out. [00:15:22] Speaker C: Capable. [00:15:24] Speaker B: That's the word [00:15:25] Speaker C: I was looking for. Capable. Yep. Yeah, I believe in you. I believe in you. I know you can do it. Like, those are messages that I don't know if I externally got them. Maybe sort of [00:15:37] Speaker B: on [00:15:38] Speaker C: the subtext level maybe, but I don't remember examples I got of like, [00:15:42] Speaker B: you can do it. Yeah, [00:15:43] Speaker C: go ahead, you've got this. Figure it out. You know, I [00:15:46] Speaker B: feel like those are the only messages that I got in [00:15:48] Speaker C: show [00:15:50] Speaker B: you you can do it. [00:15:53] Speaker C: There's a balance, isn't there? [00:15:55] Speaker B: All of [00:15:55] Speaker C: you're like, but I don't want to do it. But [00:15:58] Speaker B: anyway, [00:15:59] Speaker C: that's not even on my list. Yeah, there's a, you know, it's all [00:16:02] Speaker B: yes, and then there's [00:16:03] Speaker C: also like this aspect. [00:16:06] Speaker B: Like, because someone's needs, someone that we're in relationship with, like, because their needs are different from Ours. And that makes this automatically incompatible. I think about the relationship that I have in terms of communication, like my communication style versus my husband's communication style. And I've had to learn how to give him the space to go away and process and come back instead of, like, me just firing off 20 questions. But wait a minute, hold on. What does that mean? And he's like, ma', am, I'm just trying to figure it out myself. But I'm processing through the talking out loud, through the conversation. And he needs to process it a different way. And it's not saying, well, my way is better or his way is superior than mine, but understanding we have different needs and being respectful of those needs. [00:16:54] Speaker C: Right. Different processing styles. I feel like I gave you good training on that. I feel like you'd be like, good Lord, will she make a decision and answer the question? And I'll be like, I just need a couple days. I see. A couple days. [00:17:09] Speaker B: Yes. I was like, I don't even think I realized in our relationship is [00:17:14] Speaker C: not. [00:17:15] Speaker B: It's not a deal breaker. It's not a deal breaker who need that space. Space the process. [00:17:21] Speaker C: Yeah. That is so interesting. And I think that happens all the time in our relationships. And we begin to codify. This is how it is for all people. But everyone's different. And each individual relationship we have is different, right? The nuances, the subtleties in communication and in expectation. So I think it's really valuable and important to know what you want and need and to really hear what the other person wants and needs. And see, because, like, when [00:17:50] Speaker B: we do, we are not only honoring ourselves, like, we are honoring ourselves and the other person, but we are not disregarding, like, what they need. It's like, okay, even in this example, if I'm processing through conversation, if I still need to process through conversation, that doesn't mean, like, I'm just going to be quiet. It's like, this is how the other person can accommodate me and I can accommodate them. Or in the terms of, like, saying no to somebody. Sometimes honoring myself means saying no. Sometimes honoring the relationship means that I have to stretch beyond what's convenient. And I have so many examples, like, okay, I would rather do this, but my love for this person means this. I can do something that's not convenient. Like, being willing to be inconvenienced is another way that I can express my love within reason. Because over compensation, the balance. The balance. [00:18:44] Speaker C: Right? You gotta. Yeah, you gotta. [00:18:46] Speaker B: You gotta keep it [00:18:47] Speaker C: on track. [00:18:47] Speaker B: Real difference. And like, [00:18:49] Speaker C: yeah, [00:18:49] Speaker B: I want explorers who, like, really, really think about or challenge themselves to discern the difference between healthy flexibility and abandoning yourself. Like, there is a dance that you have to learn to navigate. [00:19:02] Speaker C: You know, I think it was Socrates, right? Know thyself. Like. Like, you do need to really know on a deep level what you need and what you want and what you can or cannot do or want to or don't want to do. You know, you have to, like, to be clear on that. You have to know yourself to be able to be in good relationship with other people, including being in. Of integrity and. And honesty and transparency when it comes to, you know, communicating that with the person. Like, this is what I can do, and this is what I need, and is this working? And if this is a little, like, how much do we want to tweak and how much you want to just be like, you know what? Maybe we just, like, oh, my [00:19:45] Speaker B: goodness. Yeah. You [00:19:47] Speaker C: know what I mean? You can figure it [00:19:49] Speaker B: getting me, like, listen, I love this person, but this unlimited access is exhausting me. And, like, I got smart. Can't say too much, because then somebody listening gonna be like, oh, that's me. Yeah, that's you. But it's more than twice a year. But I need very clear boundaries on how I interact with certain people, because I end up drained. And then I'm no good for myself, no good for my husband, no good for my family, no good for this business. And I just be like, what happened? Oh, there it is. [00:20:21] Speaker C: That's [00:20:21] Speaker B: what happened. And I think, too, like, even the people that I want to spend time with, the people that I am closest with, like, maybe a few weeks ago, my aunt came back in town, and y' all know I love my auntie. And she was like, I'm back. And I was like, oh, my God. I definitely want to hang out with you. And she was like, well, can you do this time? And I'm looking at my calendar, and y' all know I love some margin. And I was like, I could squeeze her. I said, tara, be smart. Be reasonable. Be smart. What do you have the capacity for in this time? Because do you want it to be rushed, or do you want to actually spend time to be present with her? I want that one. So I was like, oh, take that off the board. This is what I can do. And it felt amazing to do that. I love you, and I have to love myself. Well, [00:21:04] Speaker C: yeah. [00:21:04] Speaker B: In this relationship, too. [00:21:06] Speaker C: Yeah. And the people who really, truly love you and get something out of being in relationship, [00:21:11] Speaker B: and it's not even, like, [00:21:12] Speaker C: will understand [00:21:14] Speaker B: that. The person has to understand that you've made all of these calculations in your relationship, but as long as you know that you are honoring what you need and also honoring the relationship, like, that's enough. This is what I have available, and this is how I communicate. This is what I got. Can you work with this? No. Okay, well, let's try something else, because I'm. I don't want to compromise myself to be there and now I had no margin, and I ran from this to this to this, or this thing was rushed. I don't like how that feels now. [00:21:41] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:21:43] Speaker B: Is there a relationship, Karen, that you've had to learn that their capacity wasn't necessarily a reflection of their love? [00:21:53] Speaker C: I mean, I'm just thinking of one person in particular. I'm like, oh. I mean, it's interesting, right? Because in those kinds of relationships, there are people who can talk the talk, but then it's [00:22:06] Speaker B: a little incongruent. [00:22:07] Speaker C: Yeah. Like, they're not really, really there. There's some incongruency. So I have had to just learn discernment between, like, energetically. Oh, I can feel this person genuinely feels love for me. It doesn't mean that our relationship in the world is maybe even going to meet my hopes and expectations, but I do still feel their love. I do still feel that truth. So for me, it's been learning, like, oh, their love for me doesn't mean that I have access to them all the time or that it looks the way I historically want it to look, but it's still beautiful. That's been an interesting thing for me to learn, [00:22:56] Speaker B: of course. [00:22:57] Speaker C: How about you? What about you? [00:22:59] Speaker B: For me, it's been. It's been good to have people with different capacities because. Because, like, recognizing that love, their love capacity, that's all they can give. And stop expecting someone who has a limited capacity to give me more than what they actually are able to. And how, like, that was creating anxiety within me, and it was making the relationship all kinds of bajiggity. Like, once I have the recognition, like, oh, my capacity in this area may be more than theirs, and theirs is here. And it's like, how do I find the balance? Or what do I need to adjust to reduce that friction in myself? Having people with different capacities has definitely stretched me. There are some people that have way more capacity than I do. And I'd be like, oh, that's a lot. Like, ooh, ooh, can I. Like, I need to take. I like. [00:23:54] Speaker C: You want to be together all [00:23:55] Speaker B: the time. Wait a minute. Or right or the ones that don't hold on the same level, that have less capacity and learning how to love different people where they are versus trying to, like, either I'm gonna overextend myself to match their capacity, or I'm gonna lower like, no, this is where I am. That's where you are. I love you. Let's see what we can do. [00:24:14] Speaker C: Yeah. The desire for any relationship is to find that sweet spot, right? That. Where you can both meet and get something really beautiful out of it and not have, like, over expectations about it. Right. Just to be very realistic about. This is what they can offer. This is what I can offer. Where can we cross? You know, so that it's a beautiful, nurturing, wonderful. [00:24:36] Speaker B: Of course, y' all know I came. I had, like, three things that I had to write down because I'm back on my threes again. About how we can communicate our needs and limits without making our relationship or ourselves the problem. So three things. Three things to practice. The first being what I think Karen, you just said is like, to name what's true. It could sound like, I care for you, but I don't have the capacity for right now, today, tonight, what's true. [00:25:10] Speaker C: And that is like, [00:25:10] Speaker B: I care about you. I love you, and [00:25:13] Speaker C: I care for you. [00:25:14] Speaker B: I don't. [00:25:15] Speaker C: And I love you, and I don't have the. [00:25:18] Speaker B: And that, like, just opens up the dialogue. And you can usually tell if someone's response to that, what the relationship actually is or what their relationship with their self actually is. And you'd be like, oh, it's very. Lots of clues there. Try it. [00:25:35] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:25:36] Speaker B: Yeah, try it. That's good. That's really good. To make room for their experience, you understand that you may be disappointing them and you're not dismissing their disappointment. Okay, I love you, and I can't. Or I don't have capacity. I recognize that this can be disappointing. We can chit chat, talk about that. But that doesn't change the fact of my capacity is this. [00:26:00] Speaker C: Yeah, that's like lovingly holding the line because [00:26:04] Speaker B: you don't want to, like, pretend like it's not uncomfortable. [00:26:07] Speaker C: Like, obviously it's meaningful to that person. So if they mean something to you, that dialogue. And [00:26:13] Speaker B: then the dialogue is to stay connected where possible. So in that instance, it's like someone wants to have this conversation when you're like, I care about you, but I don't have the capacity for that right now. I understand that this can be disappointing. Is there another time or another way that we can connect on this full Circle. [00:26:32] Speaker C: Right. What do you need? This is what I can do. Oh, I see. That's here. That's disappointing. [00:26:37] Speaker B: Yes. [00:26:38] Speaker C: Is there another way we can go about this? [00:26:40] Speaker B: That's all. [00:26:41] Speaker C: It's just a conversation. I used to be so freaked out by just conversations like, ah, I'm disappointing this person. And [00:26:48] Speaker B: then it shut down and [00:26:49] Speaker C: wouldn't even have the conversation. Wouldn't even let them [00:26:52] Speaker B: say, I'm [00:26:52] Speaker C: disappointed. You know, [00:26:55] Speaker B: that was one of my, like, big. In my. In my growth phase and my biggest growth phase. Like, the biggest way to, like, get under my skin is when someone would not give me the choice. Like, you didn't even give me the choice to even see if I could do a thing. Like, you just took away my choice. Please. I love Liberty. Like, we. I trust that our relationship can survive this thing. Like, really, I'm good, right? Again, I'm processing through the conversation. And I'm also the person who was really good at avoiding the conversation. I'm like, it's not a problem. It don't exist. It's fine. Meanwhile, don't try to box me and explore. [00:27:37] Speaker C: It's like, yeah, that's like putting this most beautiful buttercream frosting on a hand grenade. [00:27:43] Speaker B: Or like, you think it's okay. Buttercream frosting, pipe mayo or something like that. You're like, this is not what I. [00:27:50] Speaker C: Oh, not what I expected. Oh, [00:27:54] Speaker B: my gosh. Okay. Before I go completely off of the rails, we can and we will sometimes. I have a song for this episode that I am very, very excited for. It's from the 1900s. [00:28:07] Speaker C: I was thinking about this theme as we had been talking about it and coming into it, and I thought, what on earth song is Tara gonna pull out? Like, I really did. I was thinking, I don't know. Of [00:28:19] Speaker B: course there's a song for this. Of course there is. It is by youy side by Sade. [00:28:28] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify. Guy. [00:28:37] Speaker C: Man, is there. Is there a year on that? Cuz I'm like, that is so early 90s, early mid-90s. That guitar sound. Oh, my God, [00:28:47] Speaker B: it brings me right? It's early 2000. So [00:28:51] Speaker C: that sound, just the way it's produced was [00:28:53] Speaker B: It's a very. It's a time cap. So what I really love about it is, like, it [00:28:58] Speaker C: is [00:28:59] Speaker B: a. It's a reassurance. Like, I love you, and if you need me, I'll be there. If you're out in the go, like, I'll be there. And Also, I'm not doing too much. Like I'm not doing too much and I'm letting you do. [00:29:13] Speaker C: Yeah, it's a very [00:29:13] Speaker B: happier space to do you [00:29:15] Speaker C: right. It's like a very sweet reassurance. Like it's not a stifling [00:29:21] Speaker B: suffocation [00:29:22] Speaker C: commitment. It's just a sweet reassurance. Yeah. So I feel like suffocation is brilliant. That [00:29:29] Speaker B: trip to the dictionary. I'll tell you what, have served your vocabulary. Text my mom and be like, thank you for making me go to the dictionary because I found other words along the way. It was a kids dictionary too. Anyway, right. Today's question. Q O T D. What's one thing you wish people understood about the way you love? [00:29:51] Speaker C: Did you see what just happened in my eye? Oh, I was just like, I was like, like wow, that. [00:29:56] Speaker B: Hey, I guess I'm. Go ahead, go ahead. I [00:29:59] Speaker C: think I'm ready to go. Okay. I wasn't sure. I would love for people to know and like to feel non judgmentally. I aim to love like how unconditionally loving someone without letting their gunk get into the relationship with lovingly having those boundaries, especially energetically, but really being willing to share my whole heart. That is something that I do very easily and historically perhaps to a fault. I'm more discerning now. But I still like, I won't ever say I'm only going to give them 72%. Like I just won't do it. I won't do it. I give it all and I trust absolutely. [00:30:49] Speaker B: That [00:30:49] Speaker C: is, I [00:30:50] Speaker B: think a big awareness. Especially when you love yourself very well. Like I am giving you 100% of all the love that I have to give. But I think for me it's the how I love not in my closest relationships because that's separate but like the newer relationships or the periphery relationships. Like I love you just the same. But the way that I love you may look differently than what somebody else is. My love for you is one what I'm able to give and also in response to what you may need from me because not everybody needs the same things for me. So it's like I. I guess it's like a customizable but within my capacity. I don't have to love you the same way that I've always loved you or the way that I love that person for it to mean that I love you. [00:31:39] Speaker C: It's like a. It's like a menu, right. That changes daily and sometimes, you [00:31:43] Speaker B: know, [00:31:44] Speaker C: more than twice a day, you know, [00:31:46] Speaker B: based on, based on the need [00:31:47] Speaker C: Based on the hunger, [00:31:48] Speaker B: based on what's available on the menu. Now I have like a second answer to that question is like, how I love you may not look the way that you expected to. If you love me, it'll look this way. Yeah. Like, oh, no, [00:32:02] Speaker C: that resonates for me as well. [00:32:04] Speaker B: It might not. [00:32:04] Speaker C: Yeah, right. It might look like some very loving feedback that could help you. That might not be something you want to hear. [00:32:14] Speaker B: Oh, with me? Yeah, [00:32:15] Speaker C: that might happen. [00:32:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:18] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean, [00:32:20] Speaker B: for [00:32:20] Speaker C: sure with you, but [00:32:22] Speaker B: yeah, all right. [00:32:23] Speaker C: For sure. [00:32:27] Speaker B: All right. I have a quote from Khalil Gibran from the Prophet. Quote is, let there be spaces in your togetherness. Maybe you don't got to be enmeshed. That's my version of that. [00:32:44] Speaker C: We had somebody read that exact passage at our [00:32:46] Speaker B: wedding. What? [00:32:48] Speaker C: Funny. Yeah, that whole passage left. [00:32:51] Speaker B: Every [00:32:51] Speaker C: space is in your togetherness and [00:32:53] Speaker B: like the [00:32:53] Speaker C: whole paragraph before or after. That's really [00:32:55] Speaker B: fun. So it [00:32:56] Speaker C: resonates. Really. [00:32:57] Speaker B: Wow. Did you pick that? You know what, I'm gonna just move on to closing out because I'm not even go, why did I ask that? I knew that. [00:33:05] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:33:05] Speaker B: All right. Until next time, explorer. Remember, love doesn't require you to lose yourself. And that needing space doesn't mean you are giving less love. There's room for your connection and individuality for your needs in theirs. [00:33:27] Speaker C: Yeah. And I just want to say maybe some listeners feel this way too. Is my love is bigger than time and space. Like my. My love cannot be, you know, put in a container in any way. Like it is like across all time in all dimensions. And so, you know, people will either get that or not. Doesn't mean I'm 247 accessible, but it means that my love is 24 7, you know, so I think that's really important. And again, like, we give ourselves the love first and then we have so much more to share. So explore listeners, we're so glad you joined us. Take good care of yourselves. Love yourself like we love you and have a beautiful rest of your day. We'll see you soon. Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly each week. We'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in downtown Durham. Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.