Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice.
We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad you're here with us today.
[00:00:58] Speaker C: Toodaloo.
[00:01:00] Speaker B: This episode, we're not exploring a new idea, but we are offering an invitation that might feel a little uncomfortable.
We are talking about loving yourself loudly.
Not in words, not in affirmations, but in choices.
And for some of us, loving others comes naturally. We know how to show up, how to give, how to be dependable. But loving ourselves, though, that's when we get really quiet.
That's when it gets conditional and private.
Today, we want to explore what it looks like to let that self care, that self love be seen.
All right, Karen, when I say love yourself loudly, what comes up? What happens? What is that phrase? Karen, go love yourself loudly.
[00:01:56] Speaker C: It means I just happened this morning. So I'm gonna just say it. Like I woke up and I was like, I feel bored. I feel like I'm not having enough fun. Recurring theme. I feel like I want to do something for myself. Like I could sit here and do X, Y and Z that feels like work. Or I can go to my favorite cafe and spend 30 minutes reading a book that I'm enjoying and having cup of tea and getting my favorite loaf of bread to bring home.
And that was a very out loud choice of loving myself.
I did not need to do it. And part of me kind of wanted to stay home and kind of want to just be like, we. Well, maybe I'll just, you know, look at my list of 17 things. But I just said, eff it. I am going to do something that feels good in my soul and that brings me joy. And I got to see the people that work there that I love. I got to give people hugs and, and just sit there. And it was blue sky today after weeks of what feels like gray, wintry blahbity blah. And it was just beautiful. So it's like feeling in my body this feeling of, you know, I knew that something was off or I felt less than inspired. And then listening to that little nudge that said, just go there, just go to go to your favorite place, just do it. Go show up, have fun. I don't care if it's 17 minutes or whatever, but do it. And I was like, okay. Like I literally was like marching orders, got out of bed, jumped in the shower, got dressed and got over there to love myself, to take care of what was calling in me, was calling to me for me.
[00:03:49] Speaker B: I don't know why I didn't think about this when we were talking about it earlier today. Like I actually did the out loud self love this morning because my calendar today is a bit bananas, but I intentionally chose to lean into my slow morning.
Like my day will start like all of the things will not start before 9:30. And in between the wake up and the devotion and actually starting my day, like I chose things that I wanted to do because I'm like, because once we get started, once we get on this train, we not going to get off for a little while. So ease into the day, allow yourself to enjoy the spaciousness that you do have right now. And I didn't even think about that until you were just talking like, oh, I could have like, well, it's so much on my calendar today. Let me go ahead and get an early start.
[00:04:39] Speaker C: Right? That was a choice that you made. That was. And whether it was conscious or not, you were like, no, I know that this is going to serve me. I'm going to, I'm going to give myself love and allow myself this time that is so precious to me. Beautiful. That means it's becoming unconscious, which means it's becoming part of how you treat yourself. And that is a beautiful place to be.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Yes, ma'. Am. A lot of us were taught either explicitly or implicitly that our self love should be discreet, like caring for yourself. That's fine and all well and good as long as you're not inconvenienced in anyone else, as long as it doesn't change how you show up. For me, as long as you don't take up too much space.
[00:05:21] Speaker C: Oh damn. I do think that is true for a lot of people and I'm wondering out loud right now, do you think that's because of the way we grew up right in our families or because of where our parents were in the history of this, this country and those generations. It was just not really a whole lot of room for that. And so we're just like, let's get to business.
And if there's anything left over in terms of time, energy, heart, you can have that, whatever. Then you can give it to Yourself, like, but you gotta take care of all the stuff first outside.
And like that is like so backwards of how I feel that it's so important to start within so that you can continue to share and show up for people. But it absolutely starts with connecting with yourself and your heart and asking, what do I want in this moment?
[00:06:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So that is the reframe. We are reframing our relationship with self love.
Standing and holding to the fact that self love isn't selfish. It's visible. It's not about performing, it's about choosing yourself. It's letting your care be seen and allowing your needs to take up space.
[00:06:42] Speaker C: Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with being curious about, how am I feeling? What do I need right now? And giving that to yourself. I saw a little snippet between Simon Sinek, who I Love, and Matthew McConaughey and they were talking about, I guess Matthew's receiving some feedback or whatever, who knows in the press about like being so self involved, being so like on his like his personal journey of self exploration, he's like, I am showing up for myself. I'm being curious about why I feel that way and what happened historically and how I can be in this present moment and move forward. Not selfish.
That's self care and self love.
And I think that if we all could come from that place at least part of the time, like, we'd be so surprised at how different we feel.
[00:07:36] Speaker D: Right.
[00:07:37] Speaker C: Like, I'm always amazed at how just the smallest gesture of listening and then giving myself what I need, even if it's five minutes to just sit still and breathe, as simple as that.
I always feel so loved and cared for and seen by myself.
And it's a beautiful to be connected to yourself in that way.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: What you said a little bit earlier about the generations before us, they operated from what was true at the time and what they knew. But I think a big disservice that comes from that is that we feel like we have to wait to feel worthy before we care for ourselves. Like we tell ourselves, you know, like, once I feel better or once I do this thing, or once I'm less tired, once I have more capacity, once everyone else's needs are taken care of, then that's when I'll do the thing.
[00:08:34] Speaker C: Like it is 180 degrees opposite. But I think that's so fascinating, right, that that's actually you will be able to do those things when you stop and give you.
[00:08:44] Speaker B: Exactly. Because it's not like it's not starting with like the Feeling. It's starting with the choice. Like, you don't practice self love by thinking differently or feeling differently. You practice it by choosing differently.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: The action of self love. Right.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: Yeah. For me, that's shown up for the past. I don't even know how long year and some change now. Like choosing rest rather than saying I need to earn rest or saying no when I would have said yes, because, you know, that would make everybody happy. And top tier number one is protecting my time.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: I.
Yeah, Yeah.
[00:09:25] Speaker B: I am choosing the behaviors and the actions that support me, even if those actions and behaviors disappoint someone else.
[00:09:37] Speaker C: I remember so clearly you. There was a teachable moment for me. And now. And now I know firsthand how much you love your children. And you said something about, I don't know, you weren't really setting a boundary, but you were like, I don't have capacity for that right now.
[00:09:55] Speaker B: I was like, that's not my business. Because you were, like, asking, like, a probing question. Maybe. I'm like, oh, well, what about like. And I'm like, that's not.
[00:10:02] Speaker C: And I was like, it helped me reframe. Like, oh, I don't have to be available 247 for my children in that way because I will burn myself out. Like, I can pick and choose when I can be available. And now this is like, aside from, like, an emergency situation.
[00:10:23] Speaker B: Right, of course.
[00:10:23] Speaker C: But I can set aside time because my cup is full now. And now, how can I help you? Can I. How can I support you? Right. But I just. That blew my mind because I thought I've never known someone to be, like, so closer to children and to have that. It was so healthy.
[00:10:40] Speaker B: And I was like, they'll be separate people.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're really great at that.
[00:10:45] Speaker E: Oh, they are just figuring it out too.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: And it's definitely much easier now. Like, I am a parent to a.
I say adult children, but y' all grown people.
They are at the age of majority yet. And still. I know, like, there is still parenting left to be done, but I don't have to show up in the same way. I don't gotta, like, legally feed you every day. I don't have to solve every problem, especially when it comes to protecting my time. Like, I am clear about what I can and cannot do and what I do and do not have capacity for. And I feel. And, like, I hope my kids, my husband, my friends, my family, everyone understands. It's like, because I am fiercely protective of my time and energy and how I spend it.
[00:11:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: And that's how I love myself.
[00:11:33] Speaker C: Like that is like, yeah, that is myself full self care, self love. To be like, to know where your boundaries are around your own self time.
[00:11:43] Speaker D: Right.
[00:11:43] Speaker C: It's great.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: So where do you see people merging the concept or the idea of self love with self indulgence? Like where does it get confused?
[00:11:56] Speaker C: I think when people observe or notice or hear that someone they know is putting themselves first, there's a little bit of an enviness happening because they're like, oh well how come they get to. And I don't. And when you realize that it's because you didn't choose it, that's a little bit of a rough mirror to look into. Right. So it's much easier to just be like, oh, they're so self involved. I'm not saying that everyone is coming from a very deep self love altruistic place. Like some, maybe some people are putting more work on you because they're choosing to go on a spa weekend. I don't even know.
[00:12:35] Speaker B: Like it's a thin line, I feel like between firmly rooted and altruistic self love versus I'm taking advantage of a person's situation.
There is a thin line. Like it's being mindful of where you are and your motives for, for moving the way that you're moving.
[00:12:51] Speaker C: If you have a good relationship with yourself. Right. And you know when you truly do need a break and you know that you need something else, that's when you know you don't have to explain it to anybody else. You're like, it's, you know, there's. There's no need for explanation. People can judge or say or whatever all they want. But if you know that you're doing something that you really deeply need and crave, then you can be pretty sure that's coming from a place of self love.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: I. When you said judge, I like that is probably why it's easier or safer for us to care and love ourselves quietly. Because if no one can see it, then they can't judge it. If we hide it, then no one can question those choices that we've made
[00:13:37] Speaker C: because we feel vulnerable. We feel like if we choose us, we're not choosing them.
But choosing us is not not choosing them. It's simply choosing us for the moment.
[00:13:49] Speaker E: Right.
[00:13:50] Speaker C: Like it's like, yeah, it's not, it's nothing about the other. It's not about anyone else.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: Yeah. There comes a point where being seen resting or being known for setting boundaries or being seen for choosing yourself can feel riskier than Neglecting yourself.
[00:14:07] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, right.
You're going against the tribe. You're going against the grain. We're all in this together. And I do think that community and support and that circle is important. Like I think we've gotten so far away from that sense of community and social connection that is causing issues.
And I also know that you can show up better for the tribe if you're taking care of yourself.
[00:14:33] Speaker B: Oh my goodness.
[00:14:35] Speaker C: Right. It's. It's a direct correlation.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Yes. Like that is. That is the truest invitation. Like you will show up better for your community. You will show up better for your yourself. When you don't soften your self love with an explanation like why I need to do this or why I am over explaining my boundaries for the 19000 time when I am justifying my arrest or apologizing for having these baby. You're a human. You gonna have needs. You will actually need rest as one of those things.
[00:15:07] Speaker C: And I'm just gonna say it. If anybody in your life that you're really connected to is questioning that you might want to look at the nature of that relationship, I'm just gonna say it because that does not serve.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: Because you don't need permission to care
[00:15:25] Speaker C: permission from anyone else to care for yourself.
Amen.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: Hallelujah.
[00:15:30] Speaker C: Absolutely. One million percent.
[00:15:32] Speaker E: Oh my gosh.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: All right.
[00:15:34] Speaker E: So I don't even know where are we?
[00:15:38] Speaker C: What river are we on? What is happening?
[00:15:42] Speaker E: Oh, no. Is this it? This might be it.
[00:15:44] Speaker C: See, say reframe the. What you were talking about. Like what was the question? What was the thing that led into that self indulgent.
[00:15:52] Speaker B: Was that the question?
[00:15:53] Speaker C: Yeah. Let's talk about the perception of self indulgence.
Find that when that judgment or that criticism comes in from someone, one, they don't know me very well.
Two, they likely don't know themselves very well.
And three, they are new at this self love, self care thing and they don't know how to do it. And they look at it as like something from outer space. Right. It's just like it's so foreign that their natural reaction is to judge it.
But honey, like do not judge it until you try it. Take the time you need. Give yourself downtime and stillness. Remember who you are and to remember what you love you as an individual on this journey that is your own. By the way, even though we're in relation with other people, like, you are responsible for your happiness. You are responsible for your rest. You are responsible for your joy. That's not to say it in a way of over responsibility or we're performing, it's just to say like at the end of the day you come into the world and you leave the world on your own.
So manage yourself, manage that, Take care of yourself.
Right? Like there's no way around, like looking to someone else to give us permission to rest or to do something we love that brings us joy is basically giving away all of your power. It's basically saying I choose to just let everyone else drive my boat and then that way I can complain about where the boat ends up.
[00:17:39] Speaker B: I didn't want to go here. What you were saying, it reminded me sometimes when we are practicing this self care publicly and it's new to us or people are used to relating to us in a certain way. Like we start to feel guilty for choosing ourselves in this way and then we start explaining self care instead of just letting it stand. Like, yes, you knew me as this version who overgave, who was a people pleaser, who showed up and had all of the answers to all of the everything and just like moved to quiet burnout. That's not going to serve me moving forward. And what I'm realizing is that this version of me also does not serve you well. Like the best way that I can show up for you as whatever the role or relationship is in your life is to choose myself or loudly, to choose myself publicly so I can be there for you when you need me.
[00:18:32] Speaker D: Right?
[00:18:32] Speaker C: And to example that it is okay and safe to do so. I will still love you. If you choose to show up for yourself and you say I can't do it at that time, I'm like, hell yeah, that's awesome. Good for you. And we will find another time, right? Do the same for me.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: Like, yep, you like, that's fine. Like what?
[00:18:51] Speaker C: People will survive and you will survive.
[00:18:54] Speaker B: Going to be. I will survive. Okay. Loving yourself loudly doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it's calm and settled and very much unbothered. Like I feel like a.
[00:19:07] Speaker C: That feels like a great grandma word. Unbothered.
[00:19:09] Speaker B: It's unbothered. It is unbothered. Maybe I ain't bothering myself with it. So I have a song that very much captures this unbothered energy, this self respect without bitterness and caring for yourself without an explanation.
Notice what it feels like when you're listening to the song to choose yourself without asking permission.
[00:19:33] Speaker C: Yeah, let's experience that all together, shall we?
[00:19:37] Speaker B: And the song is Flowers by Miley Cyrus.
[00:19:45] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify.
[00:19:56] Speaker C: I forgot how much I like that. It was so good. I was, like, coming up with, like, calling response lines of, like, dance right by yourself, girl.
[00:20:05] Speaker E: Look, that song is the soundtrack or
[00:20:09] Speaker B: the sound of someone who knows they. They don't need permission to care for themselves.
[00:20:14] Speaker C: Right?
And they don't need to. They don't need to rely on someone else for that.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: That's what came up for me as I was listening. I was like, you are not outsourcing your love. Like, that's where we get in the trouble when we have a reliance on outsourced love. Molly. Just reminding us to love ourselves loudly. We ain't making a speech. We ain't justifying our choices. We just remembering that we can buy ourselves flowers.
[00:20:40] Speaker C: We remember that. Yeah. We get to do that. We are worthy of that. We are worthy of loving ourselves.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: All right.
[00:20:49] Speaker C: Most important relationship you'll ever have.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: Most important and one of the most beautiful relationships ever. Okay.
[00:20:57] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: All right, today's question.
Where in your life might loving yourself out loud feel uncomfortable but necessary?
[00:21:08] Speaker C: I'm gonna go back to the relationship with my children because what I learned and my tendency is to want to over give and over help. Right.
Not only does that not serve them right, it's basically saying, I don't believe you can handle this. I don't believe you're resilient. I don't believe you. It's not only that. Right. That's a message. That's part of it. But it's me saying that I'm available to my detriment, to be anything you need in any moment. And I don't think that's a healthy example to set. And I think that it's important for my children.
I cannot address that right now. I love you and I support you, and let's find a time to talk about that. But in this moment, I cannot. And to set that boundary and to just hold it with love and kindness, I think that is a greater gift that I'm giving them because I'm showing them that that's okay and that that's how you do that.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: Yeah. Figuring it out. That's probably one of the most annoying lessons of childhood.
[00:22:11] Speaker E: Like, I'm like, oh, she gonna figure it out. But no, I want the answer. Like, I want this to be all better right now. Like, I want this to be okay.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: But, yeah, having to do that on my own definitely gave me a level of resilience that I would not have had had I been rescued every time I asked for it.
[00:22:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
Yeah. And, you know, right there's multiple sides of every coin. But, yes, that is something absolutely that I think is really important. Maybe I lean into that more because of how I was raised and how I did not feel prepared for life and for taking care of myself. So I made sure, like, by 7 or 8 years old, my kids were doing their own laundry and that sort of thing. Like, it's like, these are the things that you do to take care of yourself. Not in a child labor laws kind of way, but in a. This is how you. This is how you learn this. And I'm here to support you. And you can ask me 89 times, is this one warm or cold? Mom, I don't care. But you're going to know how to. You're going to know how to do it. How about you? What's. What's your answer?
[00:23:08] Speaker B: The loving myself out loud that's uncomfortable but necessary is allowing my life to support who I'm becoming rather than who I've been comfortable being. Like, I very much had this comfort zone of safety, of being and moving, and that looked like the person that was always figuring all of the stuff out or having all of the answers or making sure that the plan looked like this. And I got really comfortable with saying, I don't know, I'm not sure, and letting that be the end of the answer. Like, I got goosebumps. And I know that is part of this identity that I move from now. I am very much still influential, very much still a leader. But leadership looks differently in this season than it did before.
[00:23:59] Speaker C: Holy. Yeah, exactly right. And you're allowing that to be present in your leadership, to say, you're brave enough, you're courageous enough to say, I don't actually know the answer to that, or I'm not sure, and you're okay with living in that space of uncertainty and to. And to know that it's not a reflection of your value, your worth. You're like, I know who I am, what I'm worth. I just don't know the answer to that. Let's dig in together. I love that. Yeah, I love it. Yes.
[00:24:26] Speaker B: All right. I have a quote from Brene Brown's the Gifts of Imperfection.
Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.
[00:24:41] Speaker C: And that resonates. Oh, yeah. I was gonna say that.
[00:24:44] Speaker B: I love that so much.
[00:24:45] Speaker E: Go ahead.
[00:24:46] Speaker C: That resonates so deeply. Because do you think until we can get to the point where we can take responsibility, take ownership, sort of our story and our life trajectory not that everything. There were some things that were sort of thrust upon us or challenges that came that maybe we didn't understand. But at the time, it helped us grow in a certain way. And until we can sort of see that from a more objective perspective and appreciate that those lessons are there for us and take responsibility for this present moment and moving forward by choosing, choosing differently, perhaps then, oh, there's just so much in that for us.
[00:25:28] Speaker B: And the owning your story piece of it, especially as what you were saying is like moving from victim to Victor. Like, yeah, these things may have been thrust upon me. Yeah, this may have been the family that I was born into, but that doesn't define me. That is not reflecting who I am. And loving myself through that process is very brave. And allowing my love for myself to be loud is not about my ego at all. It's about being honest with where I am, who I am. It's about showing courage and staying with myself instead of shrinking to stay comfortable or dimming my light to make other people more comfortable with who I am. Like, I'm not about to chop myself down into bits and pieces. You just going, okay, yeah, you're just
[00:26:17] Speaker C: going to have to swallow me whole. This is who I am.
[00:26:19] Speaker B: Or just don't come over here to eat like that.
[00:26:21] Speaker C: Yeah, if you go to another restaurant. Restaurant.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: Karen, I don't like olives, so I'm not about to sit here and keep pretending I like olives with you. I don't like them. I think they're gross.
So I'm gonna eat something else.
[00:26:33] Speaker C: Yeah, great, great. Like, we're not for everybody. You need to be for yourself before anything, first and foremost, just like own your own your story, see the lessons, appreciate the growth, appreciate the opportunities, and choose from a place of life, affirming truth for you.
What is true for you.
What do you value? What matters to you? How do you want your life to be and then choose everything and anything from that place.
[00:27:07] Speaker B: When we practice this self love out loud, we don't just change our lives, we change the lives of others by giving them permission to do the same things.
Explorer. We are eternally grateful for the way that you keep showing up with curiosity, with courage, and a willingness to let love, self, love first shape your life. Until next time, explorer. Choose yourself with courage. Let your care be seen and keep practicing love where it begins.
[00:27:40] Speaker C: It begins right at home, right here in your heart, right here in the stillness. We love you so much. We see you, we appreciate you, we send you so much love. And yeah, keep choosing yourself in the small and big ways. Take good care.
[00:27:58] Speaker D: Thank you to Queenies in Downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly each week.
We'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in Downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.
