Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast, where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week, we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note, this podcast should not replace medical care or advice.
We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So, explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
Hey, explorers, it's Tara. Karen and I are so glad you're here. Quick check in. When was the last time you actually felt safe to be yourself?
No pretending, no editing, no shrinking.
If you can't remember, that's okay.
Today we're going there. We're talking emotional safety. Emotional safety is the foundation of connection. But many of us never learn what it looks like.
Maybe you grew up in a home where emotions weren't welcome.
Maybe you learned to perform to avoid conflict.
Maybe you were told you're too much one too many times.
[00:01:37] Speaker B: I just checked all three of those boxes. Is that okay?
I just checked all three. I was like, emotional safety.
[00:01:45] Speaker A: So what do we do? We adapt. We tuck parts of ourselves away. We trade authenticity for acceptance.
And then one day we realize we've built a life where we don't even feel safe inside our own skin.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: It's so true. That acceptance that you talk about is like a perceived safety, a perceived external safety.
And it's like the opposite of actual safety, of personal safety. Right. That emotional safety and protection that we create for ourselves when we allow ourselves to fully show ourselves. Yes.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: And that's exactly what this episode is about.
How we can create. Create emotional safety, not waiting for someone else to build it for us, learning to give it to ourselves first.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: Absolutely. That's the key.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: Okay, so let's talk about what emotional safety is and isn't.
[00:02:39] Speaker B: Yeah. This is like a catchphrase you hear. People are like, I feel good. I have my emotions. But it's deeper than that. It's like the backdrop. It's the setting. It's the green screen for the whole deal.
[00:02:50] Speaker A: Yeah, we have to clear this up. Emotional safety isn't about avoiding hard conversation. It's not about living in comfort. 24, 7, 365.
Emotional safety means being able to show up honestly.
Flaws, fears, feelings, and all without the fear of rejection or punishment. It's about knowing your worth doesn't depend on your performance or perfection.
Researcher and author Brene Brown describes it this way. Authenticity is the Daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: And if you've had years and years and decades of practice the other way, it's going to take some time.
Just take your time. It's okay. It's been taking me years to unravel the certain things and just get to the point now where I am feeling safe enough to truly show myself to even my closest people.
[00:03:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: You know, it's really interesting.
[00:03:54] Speaker A: Emotional safety is choosing authenticity even when it feels risky.
So why is it so hard? Karen alluded to it. Here's the hint. Because we never learned how. And the hard truth is, if you never learned emotional safety growing up, it can feel foreign, even impossible. As an adult, you, in your family, emotions may have been dismissed or punished or the rule is that we don't talk about that.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
[00:04:26] Speaker A: And then maybe you learned early on that being yourself was dangerous.
[00:04:34] Speaker B: Feel that one, huh?
[00:04:35] Speaker A: So we learn to self abandon in order to stay safe.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: Who. Yeah.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: This is a reminder that I've been receiving in this season of personal growth. Even now in adulthood, with all the progress I've made in this area, I sometimes soften my words or shrink my feelings to make sure that someone else was comfortable with the bigness of me.
And it wasn't a conscious choice. It was the survival choice, the instinct to do that thing.
[00:05:05] Speaker B: It was the automatic program just running like this is just what I'm gonna do.
This is mode that works. This is the mode that helps me survive.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: Right?
[00:05:15] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:05:17] Speaker A: And so when our emotional safety is absent, distrust takes place.
We learn to distrust others and ourselves.
Raise your hand. Explore. If you built that emotional safety wall that you can't even get behind, you.
[00:05:33] Speaker B: Can'T get over it. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm dead.
[00:05:37] Speaker A: But there's good news.
[00:05:39] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: Safety can be learned or relearned.
Yeah. Starts with you.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: You take back the ownership of that. Creating. Learning how to create safety for yourself in small ways. And how to begin to share yourself and your truth and your eccentricities and what you deem flaws, which are probably miracles and gifts. And you just begin, just a little bit at a time. You just put the toe in the water.
[00:06:08] Speaker A: Yes. So why don't we talk about 1, 2, 3 ways?
[00:06:12] Speaker B: 3.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: We can start building this safety for ourselves. We can build this for ourselves. So how do we start building something we never had? Modeled.
[00:06:22] Speaker B: Yeah, that's the trick of it, right?
Can we teach this in schools? Can we in the K through 5 curriculum, talk about emotional safety and expressing yourself. And then even have parenting courses in this. How do you create for yourself and then therefore for your kids?
[00:06:41] Speaker A: We should definitely start in about second grade. Starting about second grade.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: Because, you know, they're like, I'm good. I'm all me.
[00:06:46] Speaker A: I'd be able to emotionally regulate, but I know I'm a say these things.
[00:06:50] Speaker B: Right? Exactly. Like, I'm coming. How? Like, as I am.
That's probably around 6, 7, 8. Is when we start noticing certain things and filtering ourselves because we feel we have to for whatever the reason, whatever the internalized message or perceived message is, we do it. We go for it.
[00:07:09] Speaker A: That's it.
[00:07:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:11] Speaker A: Second grade curriculum change to include creating emotional safety. That's that proposal. We put it out in the universe. Somebody help us.
[00:07:19] Speaker B: Take that. Run with it.
Take that. Run with it.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: All right, how do we do this? First, we validate our own feelings.
Stop gaslighting yourself.
If you're sad, say you're sad, girl.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: I had to talk myself in my emotions every morning this week so far. I'd be like, what are you feeling right now, Karen?
Well, I'm feeling a little xyz. Well, those are several. Yes. And it's complicated. Like, I was literally doing that.
This is day three of three.
[00:07:52] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:07:53] Speaker B: Please continue.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Name it.
[00:07:55] Speaker B: The name itself is an act of safety. Identifying it, naming it, saying it.
[00:08:02] Speaker A: Say it. What was the episode?
[00:08:05] Speaker B: You can't claim what you don't. I don't know, something about feel to heal it.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: Anyway.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: Second.
[00:08:13] Speaker A: Discomfort.
Emotional safety doesn't mean life is conflict free. Free. It means we can let hard feelings exist without running or numbing.
[00:08:26] Speaker B: I'll say it again. Like we said last week, it's a practice. It's a practice. I've been on a healing journey long time.
Really. Monday came up and I'm like, oh, boy.
I don't necessarily want to sit in this stew, but here I am. Let's see if we can wade through and see what the feelings are and just let myself have them and let them flow. Because they are going to move out. They are going to process. They are going to flow downstream. I just gotta be okay with being a little uncomfortable for the next hour or so. Yeah.
[00:09:00] Speaker A: And third, set boundaries and keep them.
[00:09:06] Speaker B: I know my sister can talk about this.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: When you draw lines that protect, protect your time, energy and voice, you are building safety brick by brick.
[00:09:19] Speaker B: How's that showing up for you?
[00:09:21] Speaker A: Oh, hard battery, soft life. You guys have heard me say it before. I will say it again. My time, energy, and my Voice, my time. I can't get it back.
So I'm very, very particular about how I spend that currency. I lean more into the things that. That fill me instead of the things that deplete me.
My energy. I'm super protective of that. Especially after navigating the season of craziness like, oh, I gave you. I gave away all of my energy. I really just let you have it.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: Dumped it right into the Upside down go.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: It's nice here, isn't it?
[00:09:56] Speaker B: No, it's not.
[00:09:57] Speaker A: Did a whole episode in the Upside down about energy vampires and still continue to give my energy away.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: Learn, my friends, how we learn.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: Hard boundaries, soft life. That's how you invite the peace, the joy, the goodness, the authenticity back into who you are.
[00:10:14] Speaker B: Yeah, it's like giving yourself those parameters that you're creating. Almost like this gated community where you are inside exclusive access.
Do you know the alarm code? I don't think you do.
[00:10:26] Speaker A: Back it on up.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: Because it's when we give ourselves those parameters in that room to sort of show up for ourself with ourself in that vulnerable space and place, then we can begin to expand the walls a little bit, just let a few more people in. But starts in that courtyard, ma'. Am.
[00:10:48] Speaker A: Pastor and author Timothy Keller once wrote, to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. And that right there is the heart of emotional safety. To be known and loved, starting with yourself.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: That unconditional love and acceptance. There is nothing like it. We all crave it, even if we can't say it in that way. We all want to be known and loved and accepted for exactly who we are. I believe that drives every action or inaction or wall that we put up. Everything that we do or take revolves around that.
I mean, I don't know what else there is to say after that.
[00:11:41] Speaker A: Even if I had something else to say, is there.
[00:11:46] Speaker B: It's a gentle process. Right. It requires. Requires a healthy dose of compassion and grace and patience with yourself and for yourself, because you're really unlearning, unknowing, unremembering. A lot of.
A lot of years, a lot of messaging, even from your own self to yourself. You know, just take some time after you listen this episode, think about it and process. What does this look like for me?
What are some small ways that I can start to create that safety for myself? I really believe, you know, oftentimes we talk about journaling, but that's a great tool for this because if you can get it onto the page and speak your truth on the page, it'll be a little bit easier for you to then speak it out loud.
As we just experimented with in our 10 year letters. Speaking it out loud both to yourself and to a trusted friend, comrade, companion.
And that begins the process of healing.
I really believe that begins the process of healing, that disconnection, the way that you have sort of marooned yourself away from yourself. The way myself, yeah. Like you've isolated yourself and with good intention and good purpose and probably unconsciously, subconsciously to an extent.
So the undoing of that is going to require some time and some attention and some care.
[00:13:22] Speaker A: Yeah. I love that you brought in the practice of journaling and writing to get in the habit of identifying and labeling and then saying it out loud. There is a practice. I think I saw it on like social media actress like Sanaa Lathan was like, when she wakes up in the morning, she does stream of consciousness writing where you just write. Like, you don't edit, you don't trim, you don't question, you just like whatever the first thoughts are when you wake up. She said that she does it for like 10 minutes. She just writes and writes and like all of the things that come up and come out of that, she was like, it's, it's powerful and it's a wonderful way to start your day.
[00:13:58] Speaker B: Especially in the beginning when the veil is so right, when you're close to being like a baby, you know what I mean? It's close to your purest essence. Right when you first wake up and that first morning, you're still in the ether of that dreamlike state. And we use it in the course too. Free writing, just writing, just writing. No censoring, no judging it, just writing.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: All right.
[00:14:17] Speaker B: Getting to know me, getting to know all about me.
I think it's good, you know, there's much so, so much that we all have to offer and it's so unique. Each little blip of creation, energy that made us be the person we are.
There's just so much interesting, unique, beautiful energy, thoughts, creativity, gifts, talents that we bring.
And I feel like, what an invitation to really know yourself, that self on that level.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
Creating emotional safety means slowing down enough to tell yourself the truth, even when it's messy, even when it's risky.
And sometimes music gives us permission. Words cannot so.
[00:15:16] Speaker B: What if.
[00:15:18] Speaker A: So take this moment to pause, breathe, and let the lyrics do their work. This Song is by Anna Malik.
[00:15:28] Speaker B: Breathe 2am I love this song.
[00:15:35] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the YO Podcast playlist on Spotify.
[00:15:44] Speaker B: There is something about the essence of breathing.
Right. The action of breathing is a natural, automatic thing that we do and hopefully don't take for granted. It feels so good to consciously do it. Like, it feels so good when you connect to it consciously.
It's like everything else fades away and you come into some kind of feeling of remembrance. Right. That's what I kept feeling with that.
[00:16:15] Speaker A: The breathe and the inhale and the exhale. Of course, the first thing that pops in my mind is from the Torah. When God introduces himself is what we say is now Yahweh, but it's actually just the sound. It's like, Y H. W h.
Like.
[00:16:30] Speaker B: I am, I am. That's the thing. That's the feeling. That was great.
[00:16:36] Speaker A: There's something beautiful and magical about a song that reminds us to breathe, to inhale and exhale and breathe into the raw, quiet, and real moments.
Let that be a reminder that that is actually where our emotional safety grows. That's the fertile soil for it.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: And yes, because when we connect to our breath in that way, we are open, opening the door to that breath supporting whatever emotions we're feeling.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:07] Speaker B: And that is all you need to do. Feel the emotion while you're breathing.
That's it. Remember to breathe.
[00:17:14] Speaker A: Now it's time for our question of the day.
Yippee.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: I love it.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: What's one way you can create emotional safety for yourself? This week?
[00:17:28] Speaker B: I believe that listening to that little voice that's either telling, asking me to slow down, pause, take a rest, and feel the feeling is really helping me to build that skill and build that emotional safety. Because the more I practice listening to that and then making space for it, the better I feel afterwards, the more capable I feel of knowing that that safety is there for me. Feels more reliable.
How about you?
[00:18:03] Speaker A: It's giving myself permission to say what I feel in real time without editing it down because of what I think someone else might think about what I said.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:18:17] Speaker A: Yeah. So getting in the habit of building that muscle, that aspect of my emotional safety.
[00:18:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Not censoring.
I mean, you're not coming out with swords. Like, you're not pulling pistols at you, but you're just like, there's no pew, pew. It's just like, this is how I feel.
[00:18:37] Speaker A: That's it.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: I love it. Plain and simple. We can share how I feel. You can share how you feel.
And that's the Beginning and the end. There doesn't have to be a motive. There doesn't have to be a fix. It's not a confrontation. It's not even. You're not looking for absolution or for forgiveness. This is how I feel. Yep. Feelings are fleeting, right? They move. They roll through like clouds. Even if you're feeling that way in response to something that just happened and maybe even was triggered, it's still a feeling, and it's yours, and it's valid, and it's okay to feel it and have it and speak it.
[00:19:11] Speaker A: Your feelings are neither right or wrong. It's how you choose to respond and act that is right or wrong.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: Feelings are feelings. They simply just feelings.
[00:19:23] Speaker A: And I think, too, saying your feelings helps you process and move through them. Because if you keep them all bottled up inside or if you can't even identify what they are to the powder cake, that's when the big explosions happen. Because it's like, well, you just keep putting more stuff in here. So what else are we gonna do? Go kaboom, Right? It's our only option.
[00:19:43] Speaker B: I think that's why earlier this week, it was so profound for me to notice, get curious and wonder, like, even just wondering, why am I feeling sad? Like, that feels like such a weird feeling to be having right now on this really special day of launching the course, why am I feeling sad?
And then it led to, well, you're also feeling this. And I was sort of like, having a conversation with myself, and it helped me to unpack it, as if I was talking to myself in a mirror. But in my mind's eye, some of it was journaling and some of it was a conversation. And you know what I did next? I took myself into the kitchen. I put on my Bluetooth speaker. I put on this one song that was popping in my head. Almost embarrassed to say what it was. I danced with myself in the kitchen. It led to three other songs on a playlist randomly. Thank you, Spotify.
I danced for those four songs. And I held myself. I held my heart.
[00:20:30] Speaker A: Okay, but what was the first song?
[00:20:33] Speaker B: I knew she wasn't gonna let me go, y'. All. Like, it was Savage Gardens. Truly, madly, deeply, 1999, my friends.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: That's it.
[00:20:46] Speaker B: I don't know. It just kept popping in my head over the last couple of days.
[00:20:50] Speaker A: That's what you needed to do.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: And it was like, here I am. I'm showing you unconditional love. I want to be with you. I want you to feel safe with me. It was like I was Dancing with myself, dancing that into being, you know, it was really beautiful, honestly.
[00:21:06] Speaker A: Oh, wow.
This isn't great. That's the.
[00:21:10] Speaker B: You all are the first people that I told that to. I hadn't even told Tara that in person yet, but yeah, that was. There you go. Now you know Karen a little better.
[00:21:21] Speaker A: We don't just dance it out for performance on the episode, but it's an internal in our daily lives to move things along, to help feel that safety.
[00:21:31] Speaker B: Like we do this, it is an embodiment. It's an internal safety practice that absolutely we each do.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: Yeah, Explorers. Emotional safety isn't something you wait for others to. To give you. It's something you practice and protect for yourself. You create it and the more you practice, the more you'll recognize it in your relationships.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Transference property.
[00:21:58] Speaker A: The quote for this episode comes from the wonderful Maya Angelou.
There is no greater act than bearing an untold story inside you.
[00:22:10] Speaker B: Let it out. Let your story up and out. We want to hear your story. We want to know you.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: And we want you to know you.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: We want you to know you. We want each of us, all of us, anyone hearing this episode or feeling the reverberation of the episode in some way in their experience, in their body, to know that it's okay, that it's safe.
Yeah.
[00:22:38] Speaker A: So let Maya's words be your reminder for the week. You don't have to carry your story in silence. You deserve safe places to bring it into the light. Karen and I want to thank you so much for pressing play today. If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend or tag us on Instagram at your Odyssey Life so we can keep the conversation going.
Until then, stay honest, stay connected and keep creating the spaces where you are safe.
[00:23:10] Speaker B: I've said it before and I will say it again.
The concept of self love is perhaps the single most healing and transformative gift that you can give to yourself.
Creating emotional self safety is a big piece of that.
Learning to love and accept yourself for all of who you are.
And we wish that for you today and every day. Thank you explorers, for listening, for being here with us, for witnessing our experience. And we'll see you next time. Take good care.
Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly. Each week we'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media a heart centered woman owned multimedia company company.
