Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: Welcome to youo Odyssey Podcast where your guides, Tara and Karen invite you on a transformative journey toward wholeness and personal growth.
Each week we'll discuss topics related to the human experience and offer insights to help you along the way.
Please note this podcast should not replace medical care or advice. We are not licensed healthcare professionals or mental health therapists.
If you enjoy enjoyed today's episode, subscribe so you don't miss out on our future discussions.
So explorers, let's dive into today's episode.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Hey explorers, it's Tara. Today, Karen and I are talking about how to reclaim your no Guilt Free.
At least with as little guilt as possible.
There is so much power in saying no. Not from a place of anger or avoidance, but from a place of love, clarity and self respect.
[00:01:14] Speaker C: And it's not even from a place of lack. It's from a place of abundance. Right? It's from like, this is what I think of me. And so no.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: But before we jump in, let's take a moment for a quick check in.
How often have you found yourself saying yes when every part of you was screaming no?
Think about that for a second.
We often find ourselves caught in the pressure to please others, to be helpful, or to fit in. Even when it's detrimental to our own well being.
[00:01:47] Speaker C: Even if it doesn't feel right.
God, why do we do that?
[00:01:51] Speaker B: We might touch on a little bit of why we do that. As we navigate this discussion, keep one important reminder. You are allowed to disappoint others before you abandon yourself.
[00:02:01] Speaker C: Oh, sister, preach you.
I was disappointed before you abandoned yourself.
[00:02:09] Speaker B: Yes, your needs and feelings are valid and it's time to start honoring them. Okay, let's get started.
[00:02:18] Speaker C: Bring them up to the surface. Let them see the light of day. And you gotta give them your support.
[00:02:22] Speaker B: You got it?
[00:02:23] Speaker C: Cause those little voices are talking, man, you better listen.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: We've been conditioned to think that being agreeable makes us lovable. But here's the truth. See, saying no can be the most loving thing you do for yourself and for others.
[00:02:36] Speaker C: Because if you're saying yes from a place of obligation and resentment, then that's not going to be good for you for sure. But it's not going to be good for them either. Because that will trickle down.
[00:02:45] Speaker B: My friends, how many times have we seen that? It is like you're a powder keg. Like we are building a cannonball. And every time that you do that, you're adding more gunpowder or whatever it is that makes a cannonball blue.
[00:02:56] Speaker C: Boom. Boom.
[00:02:57] Speaker B: So we put more of it in there. And then all of us, some of us have been raised to be likable, to keep the peace, and to put everyone else's comfort ahead of our own.
[00:03:08] Speaker C: Guilty is charged historically.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: And don't get me started on if you're a mom, caregiver, or people pleaser.
Saying no can feel like you're breaking.
[00:03:24] Speaker C: Some sacred rule, like some pack that you didn't even know you signed.
[00:03:28] Speaker B: Right.
[00:03:28] Speaker C: Wouldn't have signed if you really thought about it.
[00:03:31] Speaker B: Why did Little Mermaid pop in my head like, all I wanted to do was get up on the beach with Prince Eric, and you mean to tell me.
[00:03:37] Speaker C: You mean to tell me what I.
[00:03:38] Speaker B: Agreed to was this?
Okay, but here's the cost. When you say yes to avoid guilt, you end up living a life that isn't yours.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: Oh, good Lord, have mercy.
Church.
[00:03:55] Speaker B: Taking care in a church today.
[00:03:59] Speaker C: Oh, you did take me to church. You have been doing church.
[00:04:03] Speaker B: The difficulty in saying no often stems from deeply ingrained social and psychological factors.
Many of us are conditioned from a young age to value harmony and acceptance, which leads to fear of conflict and fear of rejection.
[00:04:19] Speaker C: And oftentimes, it's so deeply ingrained generationally, like the martyrdom that, like, you have to make me feel better.
No, I have to make me. I'm gonna do me.
[00:04:29] Speaker B: Yeah, you do you.
There is a little bit of the psychological concept of cognitive dissonance when we are doing that. When we say yes, but feel that it compromises our values or our boundaries, we create that uncomfortable internal conflict.
[00:04:45] Speaker C: Oh, I just felt that in between my sacral muscles right there. I was like, oh, yeah, I remember that.
[00:04:52] Speaker B: And to alleviate this discomfort, we often over commit to avoid the unpleasant of saying no.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: It's so fascinating to me how we choose to do other than we feel to avoid unpleasantness. Yeah.
Wow. That is culturally deep. Right? Like, that is like, what?
[00:05:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:17] Speaker C: And we all do it.
[00:05:18] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:05:18] Speaker C: I still do it. At times, I'm like, what? Yeah. Wow.
[00:05:23] Speaker B: So what could this look like in various areas of your life?
[00:05:28] Speaker C: And how can we practice it in your friendships?
[00:05:31] Speaker B: Imagine a situation where a friend is constantly asking you to lend them money, even when you can't afford to.
You say yes out of guilt, but later you start to resent them and it strains your friendship. See, that doesn't.
[00:05:46] Speaker C: That's not good friends.
[00:05:47] Speaker B: And then if you say no, you feel like you're hurting them, which leads to a whole nother battle you're fighting inside. M.
Okay. As a parent.
Sometimes parents struggle to say no to their children for fear of disappointing Them.
There are extremes to what this looks like. It can lead to overindulgence or a lack of boundaries, which ultimately teaches our children that they can manipulate our emotions to get whatever they want.
[00:06:21] Speaker C: Note that.
[00:06:23] Speaker B: Notice that, Notice that. And then what about at work?
You are the star employee that is always taking on extra projects.
Initially it's great, you get the gold star, you get the praise. But over time you are burnt out and the quality of your work decreases, which leads to frustration and resentment.
Are you picking up a theme here?
[00:06:49] Speaker C: Is there thread going through?
[00:06:50] Speaker B: Is there a theme? There's often this guilt associated with being nice that stems from the belief that we need to prioritize others feelings and needs over our own.
There's this inner conflict where saying no feels like betrayal or rejection of others, which leads to those feelings of guilt. Perhaps you've been conditioned to equate being nice with being valuable or worthy.
[00:07:15] Speaker C: Well, I was just gonna give a proper example.
[00:07:17] Speaker B: Yes, please do.
[00:07:18] Speaker C: I was. I remember. As you're talking about this, I'm flashing back to elementary school. I'm flashing back to being like teacher's pet, great student, everyone's friend, all of the things, and feeling a sense of value because I was working so hard at that, because I didn't feel that value in my childhood. And I'm like, wow, I was working so hard to be that person. And in retrospect I'm like, that person is not me. Like, that is not even me who was doing that. It was the little scared child who felt like if I don't make effort, then I'm not going to have value because they're going to see me for who I really am.
And that is not going to be valued. I mean, that goes deep.
[00:08:08] Speaker B: Okay, so maybe it is time for us to think about how we can reframe that.
Let's say that saying no isn't rejection, it's redirection.
[00:08:19] Speaker C: It's like boiling down to, I hear your request, but that doesn't resonate with my values or with who I am or with what I choose to spend my time doing at this moment in my life. I'm not rejecting you as a person or your request. I'm just redirecting my own life to where I want it to be. And redirecting your ask and to someone else.
[00:08:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And that redirection is how we stay aligned with our true selves and establish healthy boundaries for authentic relationship.
[00:08:52] Speaker C: It does all that in one fell swoop.
I love it. It's so true. Those are the effects. Those Are the dominoes right?
[00:08:59] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: You choose to say yes. The dominoes are resentment and exhaustion and burnout. You choose to say no. These are the things I value. This is where I choose to spend my time and this is where I what's important to me.
[00:09:10] Speaker B: Yeah. So how do you know when a no is needed? Have you ever wondered how to know when saying no is the right choice?
It really starts in your body. Pay attention to any tension or tightness or that unsettling sinking feeling. You might be surprised at what your body is trying to tell you.
[00:09:33] Speaker C: Our bodies are so intelligent. For me, it's usually like a little bit of a squeeze. Like in my gut it's a little bit of a like, oh yay. But I feel it.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: Practicing body awareness is so important because our physical sensations often reflect our inner emotions.
[00:09:52] Speaker C: Yes. It's all telling us something.
[00:09:54] Speaker B: Speaking of your emotions, when you said yes, are you feeling a bit resentful or frustrated or over.
I don't know. How do I know? It shows up as being avoidant of certain individuals or dreading doing something.
[00:10:11] Speaker C: Just being impatient too. The people who are in your life who actually didn't ask you to do the thing. Yes.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: Exhausted the urge to withdraw in on yourself when we ignore these emotions and you know, oh, I'm. It's just me being whatever. You can start or you can continue to over commit, which puts your well being at risk.
[00:10:36] Speaker C: If you try to classify or qualify your emotions and reasoning starts to come in, that's a pretty good red flag. Pretty good red flag.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: Yes.
Helpful exercise to do before you commit to the thing is to ask yourself, am I doing this out of obligation or. Or alignment?
[00:10:58] Speaker C: Yeah. And taking that moment in that breath and even just asking like, hey, I'll get back to you tomorrow. Just give yourself a window of time to feel into it.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: You don't need to respond.
[00:11:07] Speaker C: There's no deadline in responding. You can respond in three seconds or in three days. But I'm pretty sure if you respond in three days, it's going to be more true to how you really feel.
[00:11:17] Speaker B: Maybe consider if I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? M.
This can really help us clarify our priorities and what truly matters.
[00:11:28] Speaker C: I love that.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: So if saying yes to a work project means sacrificing valuable family time, you might want to weigh your choices to what best aligns with your core values.
[00:11:40] Speaker C: And do you know your core values? Because that might be time to make a list.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: Karen just was saying about taking that moment to pause. Like, I cannot stress enough how important it is to take a moment before you promise to do something.
[00:11:55] Speaker C: Oh, my God. The pause in every aspect of your life. Pause.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: I'm grown up enough that if I said yes to this before, I have the right to change my mind. Like, I ain't pay for this in blood with an arm or a leg. I can change my mind. You get to change your mind. I can change my mind. Like, younger Tara was wild and ambitious. She was wild and free. Like, yeah, we gonna do that next week. And then we get to. Baby, I'm not doing it.
I don't want to no more. And I'm not. I know what I said, but. But that was then. This is now. I stand on that. Oh, that's good.
All right. I'm having way too much fun with the. This is a good episode with prioritizing your. No. Without the guilt.
Okay, so let's talk about language.
You can say no with clarity and kindness.
[00:12:40] Speaker C: Yeah. Ain't nobody got to be rude. Bout right?
[00:12:44] Speaker B: Cool, cool.
[00:12:46] Speaker C: You just be like, yeah, cool, cool. Now can't.
[00:12:49] Speaker B: When you're clear about your position, there's less room for misunderstanding. And when you're kind, you show that you value the relationship. Now, if you don't care about a person, don't be like, all right. N. Like, hard. No. Just immediately. No, I think that's clarity and kindness.
[00:13:05] Speaker C: Clear.
I appreciate you asking.
I cannot do that at this time professionally.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: Clarity sounds like I won't be able to attend the meeting on Friday. Kindness can sound like, thank you for including me. I have prior commitments, and I look forward to catching up with the notes after.
With a neighbor. Clarity can sound like I can't help with yard work this weekend.
Kindness could sound like, I'd love to help another time, but this weekend is full for me. Let's plan to do something together soon.
Socially.
Clarity sounds like I can't participate in the group trip next month.
Kindness can sound like, I really appreciate the invite, but I've already made other plans. I hope you all have a blast. Ain't no fomo, child. I have jumbo joy missing out. Like, I'm home at home, doing nothing. Like, yeah, I'm standing on what I said.
Okay. And with your family, Clarity can sound like I won't be able to take the kids this weekend. Kindness can sound like, I love spending time with them, but I need some time to recharge. Let's play plan for another weekend.
Y' all getting it? Yeah.
[00:14:13] Speaker C: That was good repetition.
You can do this, and you can incorporate both of Those.
[00:14:18] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:14:18] Speaker C: Kindness and clarity.
Yeah. I love that.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: I know that.
Okay, pause for a second because I feel like with my kids, like I went overboard with saying no. They know like some things that you were like. I ain't even gonna ask you because I know you're gonna say no. Good. Let's start there.
[00:14:36] Speaker C: Oh, man.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Like you want me to take you somewhere. You want me to leave the comfort of my good home to go do something that ain't for me for you.
[00:14:44] Speaker C: You want. You want me.
[00:14:48] Speaker B: Right? So, I mean, I've gone away from the ice queen, like the no queen. To the happy medium of like, you can ask me and then I'll look and see if I can fit it in. If I can, I can. If I feel like it, I will. But if I don't, then I won't. No, go ask your daddy.
[00:15:02] Speaker C: See who else is on the roster. I know I'm number one on your roster, but who's.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: You're gonna have to go, right?
[00:15:07] Speaker C: You had to go down second string, third string.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: Yes.
I know that saying no doesn't always come naturally to all of us, but I believe that with practice it can become easier if you are not a natural knower. Start with small, low stakes situations like turn it down. A casual get together with friends.
[00:15:26] Speaker C: Like, it's like a muscle. You gotta keep working with that little thing. You gotta start with a 1 pound weight, then you go up to 2 pound weight each time.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: You stand firm on your nose. Clarity and kindness, you reinforce your ability to maintain your healthy boundaries.
Over time, you may find that being direct and considerate can lead to more honest interactions and more energy and time.
[00:15:53] Speaker C: For the things that.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: The things that light you up.
[00:15:57] Speaker C: We want people, people lit up in the world. We don't want people walking around with resentment, exhausted and burned out. We want people in a way that feels like they're. There's their. Their heart, their souls lit up. They're like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm ready to bring my best to this world so that everyone you encounter can feel that. If you're walking around with resentment, feeling like, you know, it's not. That's. That's not a lovely thing to say. Spread around.
[00:16:24] Speaker B: Is there anything else that you wanted to share before I segue into our song for this episode?
[00:16:32] Speaker C: I just can't stress the importance of like. It's taken me so long to learn this and to practice it. And like, you start today because yourself in 1, 2, 5 years is going to be so grateful that you started Practicing this with the small, small stuff today. Save yourself.
Honor yourself. Listen to yourself.
Listen to those cues.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: All right. That was beautiful. That's a great way to wrap up. This is a very poppy, upbeat song that is really perfect for this episode. There's no other song that I would want to do. The song is no by Meghan Trainor.
[00:17:15] Speaker C: Oh, perfect.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Check out this week's song on the yo Podcast playlist on Spotify.
[00:17:29] Speaker C: So good. No, no, no.
I love it.
[00:17:37] Speaker B: My name is no, my number is.
Is funny.
[00:17:45] Speaker C: What was the line that I laugh and said? Oh, she said that line. And I looked at you, I was like, thank you for. Thank you for this one. But I don't.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. What did she say that spoke to your spurt?
Thank you in advance.
[00:18:02] Speaker C: Thank you in advance. I don't want to dance. It's lovely of you to ask.
No, thank you.
[00:18:08] Speaker B: Anyway, so Karen and I are on a firm no.
[00:18:12] Speaker C: Firm no.
[00:18:13] Speaker B: And we've danced it out with Megan, and it's time for our question of the day.
[00:18:17] Speaker C: Good.
Ready?
[00:18:20] Speaker B: Oh, she ready. Okay. Today's question. In what ways have you redefined your relationships through the practice of saying no?
[00:18:33] Speaker C: My computer is like, so if you have an answer. I do have an answer.
[00:18:38] Speaker B: I have redefined my relationships by reducing resentment. So I say no to the things that I don't really want to take on, which means I'm not feeding bitterness. This helps me be happier and more positive when I do agree to do things. I'm good with the no.
[00:18:57] Speaker C: Yeah, that's for sure. I've gotten a lot better at, for instance, with asks from the school. Be like, I'm not your girl. I'd love to. Can't do it right now. So I think anytime I'm clear with what I can and cannot do, what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not willing to accept, it just makes any relationship more real, more solid, more honest. These are the expectations, the boundaries. Can do this, can't do that. Will do, do this, won't do that. Clarity is kindness, Renee.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: Clear is kind and unclear is unkind.
[00:19:33] Speaker C: It's okay to want what you want and to feel what you feel and to respond accordingly. It's okay for me to want what I want and to decide how I want to choose my time. It's okay for me to set the boundaries that I feel are healthy and life affirming for me to set.
[00:19:53] Speaker B: All right, now we hope that you get to walk away from this conversation feeling inspired to prioritize not just your commitments. To others, but your own needs and desires as well. Saying no can feel daunting, but it's an essential skill for all of us to foster healthy relationships that also support and maintain our personal well being.
I found a quote that has helped me on my journey to owning all of Tara. It is from speaker, lawyer, author, life coach Iyanla Van Zandt. She said, you have a right to say no.
Most of us have very weak and flaccid no muscles. We feel guilty for saying no. We get ostracized and challenged for saying no. So we forget it's our choice.
Your no muscle has to be built up to to get to a place where you can say I don't care if that's what you want. I don't want that.
[00:20:51] Speaker C: No drop of the mic. Wow, that feels so liberating to hear the quote, much us to internalize it and like yes, that just feels.
[00:21:03] Speaker B: Check to see if your no muscle is flaccid.
[00:21:06] Speaker C: When you use the word flaccid, I was like that's a beautiful thing to say because you sterilize, you become impotent. Right. When you do not use your no muscle, if you're not using your no muscle, you're automatically saying yes and not holding your boundaries and that will weaken. That will make you feel unempowered and disconnected.
[00:21:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Saying no doesn't make us selfish. It makes us honest.
It makes us whole.
When you say no, with clarity, kindness and courage, you say yes to what truly matters. If today's conversation resonated, share it with a friend who needs this reminder.
And keep practicing those brave boundaries one no at a time. Until next time, explorers. Remember, your worth is not measured by your willingness to overextend. Say no. Trust yourself.
[00:22:01] Speaker C: I just love that the more you practice saying no, the more more yes there is that you say to yourself. Right? And to what you truly want and what you're here to bring.
So practice that. We love you explorers. Thanks for being here with us today. Take good care.
[00:22:21] Speaker D: Thank you to Queenies in downtown Durham for the use of their community podcast studio and for welcoming us so warmly each week.
We'd like to give a shout out to Coco Cinnamon, the birthplace of 1023 Media and the yo podcast. Please support your local women owned minority owned coffee shop in downtown Durham.
Brought to you by Durham based 1023 Media, a heart centered woman owned multimedia company.
[00:22:56] Speaker C: Sam.
